Things I don't want to follow us into 2013

First and firstmost, thanks to everyone who took the poll. I learned two things: One, that the people who read my blog do not like stringing cranberries OR popcorn. Noted. Two, I was right. You string cranberries AND popcorn. A-thank you very much.

And now, let me be the first person to say: Merry Christmas. I assume you all spoke to no one before checking my blog and are therefore tickled pink that I thought of you on this special day.

You're welcome. Your Christmas card is on its way.

But I don't want to talk about Christmas today. Today, as we near the end of 2012, I'd like to take a moment to reflect.

Reflection over. It's time to move on to 2013. And I think 2013 has the makings of a fantastic year, as long as we leave behind some of the worst parts of 2012. With that in mind, I'd like to present:

Things I don't want to follow us into 2013

1. "That awkward moment when..."

I don't know where this trend came from, but it had a good run. The kind of run that seems endless. Like trying to run the mile in junior high when you're just a pimply french horn player with a history of lung illness.

Hypothetically.

The phrase is supposed to be used like this:

But it has been warped and twisted to be something that people say when they want to talk about something cute or funny they did earlier in the day. Something very Zooey Deschanel-esque.

Examples include:

- That awkward moment where I realized I'm wearing one plaid sock and one polka dot. #oops #lol #SoFetch

-That awkward moment when my fantasy football team (The Ray-Ban Bandits) beats everyone else's team by a LOT. #SorryImNotSorry

-That awkward moment when I go to pick up my ukulele so I can sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" at this underground bar called "Blank" and my thick-framed glasses fall into my PBR, causing me to drop the "I heart mustaches and bacon" sign I was holding.

Sit down, girl. You haven't even begun to know awkward.

Awkward is when you've doped yourself up on so much Dayquil that you open the door wrapped in a rainbow blanket. And standing there in the doorway are 4 middle aged men who had called the day before to remind you that they needed to check out your furnace. But you forgot. So you let them in. You've already set up your nest of blankets and used tissues on the living room and you don't want to seem rude by pulling everything into your room. So you sit there, still in your blanket, and eat ice cream super slowly while the middle aged men take down the American flag you use to hide the furnace door.

Again, hypothetically.

What I'm trying to say is, 'That awkward moment' had its time in the sun. And now it's time to let it go. Along with...

2. The use of the word "epic."

I don't like to complain about this one because I get it. It's a fun phrase. It makes things seems cooler than they actually are. But for the love of all that is holy, I would really like to see it die out with the year 2012.

And while we're at it, let's also get rid of "totes" and "winning." In fact, anything that was ever uttered by Charlie Sheen should be out.

Charlie Sheen should be out.

Somebody tell Charlie Sheen he's out. 

3. The mustache obsession

Let me be clear. I love mustaches. Real mustaches. If I were a guy, I know I would have facial hair of some kind. Actually, if my brother is any indication, I probably wouldn't. HEYOOO. Sorry John.

I'm not talking about real mustaches. I'm talking about the plastic ones that are in every store and are always handlebar for some reason. Every night before I go to bed I pray to the God of Urban Outfitters that he release us from this cycle of mustache worship.

**side note: if anyone got me a mustache-related present for Christmas, I was just kidding about this post! Thanks so much for the gift!**

Boys, grow your mustaches long and bushy every November if you want to. Grow a different mustache every month of the year. I love a good mustache.

But maybe in 2013 we can keep mustaches away from my baubles and trinkets.

4. The bacon obsession

Same thing, different noun. I love bacon. Real bacon. Anyone who has ever gone with me to Wando's in Madison, WI has seen me inhale a tray of free bacon that came with my $1 Miller Lite. Sigh... it's a wonderful city.

But we have hit the point of bacon saturation. Sorry, but 2013 cannot fit any more bacon keychains, bacon t-shirts, or bacon-scented nail polish.

5. The obsession with Lana Del Rey

I can't go into this, because I can barely understand it. But I will say that British GQ named her "Woman of the Year." And really, hadn't she earned it? I can't think of any woman who has done more to deserve the title. STEP ASIDE, Michelle and Hillary. In the last year, Lana has had a nude magazine cover and arguably the worst musical performance in SNL history. So, yeah. You could say she's earned it.

6. "Dear ___ 
     Blah Blah Blah. 
      Love, ____"

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

It's fun to write imaginary letters to an imaginary person so that you can get your complaint out quickly and succinctly and then post it as your Facebook status. Examples:

Dear Michigan,
It sure would be great if you could stop raining and start snowing.
Love, Hannah.

Dear TNT,
I would appreciate if you would start playing A Christmas Story earlier than Christmas Eve. Because lets be real, I'm gonna watch that bad boy about 50 times.
Love, Hannah.

Dear Time Warner Cable,
FIX MY HD CHANNELS SO THAT I CAN WATCH AMISH MAFIA WITH THE CRISP PICTURE THAT I DESERVE.
Love, Hannah.

Again, I get it. I've done it. But I think it's time to let it go. Let it be 2012's problem. 2013 should get it's own way to complain about inane things. OHH! What if we bring back Carnac the Magnificent from the Johnny Carson show? One person makes their Facebook status a list of stuff and their friends have to guess the answer.

Student loans, global warming, and this blister on my foot.

Things that are bumming me out right now!

Guys. It's happening. GUYS WE'RE DOING THIS. 

Holiday GIF guide

Tis the season, everyone. My tree is decorated, I strung a bunch of popcorn and cranberries, and the holiday GIFs are ripe for the plucking.

Stop. Pause. Before I go on, I would like to take a poll. A stirring argument occurred in my apartment a few days ago, and I INSIST that I am proven right. So, please look to your right. Not directly to your right, dummy. Look to the right of this post.

Please take a moment to read this question about popcorn and cranberry stringing, and let me know your answer. I don't want to say what my opinion is, in case it sways people's answers. But just remember that if you answer wrong I will use my powers of deduction and an elaborate algorithm I will pick one of you at random and give you the old "virtual stink-eye." That's when I glare at my computer like this for hours while I say your name silently in my head:

So... yeah. Take the poll.

Anyway, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself? Oh! Holiday GIF guide! As many people know, I love a good GIF. However, I try not to let this blog become one of those Tumblrs that posts one GIF per day and then puts a little description sentence before each one. Examples of this can be seen here and here.

Do I love these sites? Yes, yes I do. But they are everywhere and I don't think I need to pile on.

EXCEPT FOR RIGHT NOW! Allow me to introduce the first annual HOLIDAY GIF GUIDE!!!!!

Lets begin!

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Thanksgiving Dinner:

 

The next day:

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Grabbing the last box of Frango Mints at Macy's

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When one burned out bulb causes a wholes strand to go out.

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Finding out that the movie Home Alone is 22 years old.

 

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Getting roped into making 3 dozen Christmas cookies

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Getting hit on at the bar by three guys dressed in red footie pjs and Santa hats.

Just replace "she" with "they"

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Realizing that the free cocktails at the holiday Christmas party have loosened your tongue a bit more than you'd hoped:

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Meeting one new person after another at your significant other's Holiday party:

And then when they ask who you know there:

 

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Trying to keep it together when I'm in the car and Josh Groban's "I'll Be Home For Christmas" comes on the radio. The one with the soldiers saying Merry Christmas to their families back home.

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Watching a sibling get roped into an hour-long Christmas phone call while you slip silently out of the room

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Going home to my parent's house for Christmas and discovering a table full of cookies and chocolate

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Did I forget anyone's favorite Christmas movies? I tried to include a lot of them. But I still feel like I'm missing some.


I almost forgot! Credit for the idea of a holiday GIF guide goes to my friend Ben. Have you ever wondered who designed this dishtowel for Crate & Barrel? Or this plate? He is a brilliant designer and illustrator and you should go to his website right HERE

Thoughts that couldn't be salvaged into a full post

Guys, my brain goes in a lot of different directions sometimes. To reign it in, I write things down so that I don't end up spewing nonsense ideas at random people I walk past on the street. Ideas like, "DO YOU EVER WONDER IF MERYL STREEP HAD A HAUNTED PAST BECAUSE SOMETIMES I LOOK INTO HER EYES AND I WONDER WHAT THAT WOMAN HAS GONE THROUGH."

I often write these ideas down and then forget why I wrote them down. So I look back at little scraps of paper that say things like "muffins are nothing but a lie."

Since these ideas aren't long enough or clever enough for their own post, I'm just going to cram a bunch of them into one post and hope that quantity counts more than quality. Here we go.

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When I was a young lass, I watched a lot of Who's Line is it Anyway. But since they were on so late, I ended up watching them off of recorded VHS because yeah, I'm old enough to know what that is. The end result? I've probably only watched 20 episodes of Who's Line is it Anyway. But I've watched them each about 9,000 times.

FLASH FORWARD!! I'm in third grade. And we're choosing celebrities to write fan mail to. I don't remember why we did this. But we did. And I was like, "Awww, yeah I'm gonna write to that guy from Who's Line!" I was thinking of Colin Mochrie.

This glorious, Canadian man:

But my 9-year-old brain couldn't remember his name. The only name I could remember was Drew Carey, the host. So I just decided to write my celebrity fan letter to him.

Since we didn't have those fancy pants smart phones back then, my teacher had to look up the celebrity's mailing addresses for us. So I walked up to my teacher's desk and told her that I needed the address for Drew Carey. And she, either having misheard me or not knowing who Drew Carey was, gave me the address to someone else entirely. But I didn't realize that. And I sent my letter anyway.

And so it was that one week later I got a signed photo back from this man:

No, this is not my photo. Yes, mine looked EXACTLY like it.

Jim Carrey. The most embarrassing thing is that I still put Drew Carey's name on the envelope, and I filled 3 pages on how much I loved Who's Line. Sorry Jim Carrey. Hope my letter didn't hurt your ego too much.

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Why do I need to find 4 new friends in Ann Arbor? Because I have a dream. And that dream is that for Halloween 2013 I will be able to create an all-female version of One Direction.

Hear me out!

Everyone would have to dedicate themselves completely. Wigs that are styled into douchey flipped haircuts would be worn, along with fedoras and suspenders. And we'd have to spend the entire night playfully punching each other on the shoulder and hanging on each other while we smile at an invisible camera in the distance.

God it would be so awesome. And theres nothing sad about a bunch of 20-something women dressed like 18 year old boys.

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Actresses I think would be genuinely nice people in real life (in no particular order):

1) Allison Janning

Allison Janney is first on this list. I know everyone probably expected Meryl Streep. WELL CALM DOWN, GUYS. I HAVE OTHER CELEBRITY OBSESSIONS SO JUST BACK OFF. 

Anywho, Allison. I freakin love this lady.

She is always so accessible in all her characters, including the mom from Juno and the lovely CJ Cregg in The West Wing. I think it's because she's a nice midwestern lady. Born in Dayton, Ohio. She's about the only actress in Drop Dead Gorgeous with a believable accent. 

Did anyone else think for like 2 seconds that Madame Maxine was Allison Janney in Harry Potter 4?

It isn't. But a girl can dream, right?

2) Maggie Smith

I've discussed my love for Dame Maggie Smith. That love still stands.

3) Meryl Streep

We all know that I spend large amounts of time googling Meryl. So here you are. Two women who need no last name. Meryl and Hillary:

4) Lena Dunham

Lena Dunham has the life I desire and I just want to sit down and talk to her about it.

5) Shirley McClaine

Love of my life.

6) Mary Steenburgen

She is playing the same type of characters that she played 28 years ago in What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

She ages like a fine wine.

7) Kristin Wiig

Everyone should listen to Alec Baldwin's podcast Here's The Thing where he interviews Kristin Wiig. She admits that she had no idea what she was going to do with her life for about 30 years. I like that.

8) Megan Mullaley

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The next time I meet someone from New Zealand the first sentence I say is going to be: "Hello. I see you're from New Zealand. I am now going to wait as long as I possibly can before I mention Lord of the Ri- SO HAVE YOU EVER MET FRODO?!?"

So okay. After I wrote that sentence my first thought was, "What if the next person I meet from New Zealand is Zoboomafoo?"

And then I was like "Oh, silly me. He's from Madagascar, not New Zealand."

Notice that my first thought was not, "Oh wait Zoboomafoo is a fictional lemur-puppet from a 1990's PBS kids show. I won't be meeting him. And I certainly won't be holding out a conversation with him."

No. My first thought: "DUH, Hannah. Wrong giant island located in the Southeastern quadrant of the world. Otherwise you two could totally have a gabfest about how awesome the Ents are."

"Nobody cares for the woods anymore..."

I think I'm going to go re-read The Hobbit before the movie comes out.

.... and also I made Lembas bread. 

It wasn't good. 

Worst things I've seen on Pinterest

Before I get to this post I just want to take a moment to talk to all the guys reading this. Ladies, you can stop reading now and just pick it up in a couple of paragraphs. Do something ladylike with your time. Perhaps organize your tampons by level of absorbency.

Fellas, you still there? Excellent.

Bros, it's your ladybro here. I know I'm your favorite blogger. And as you can tell, I know what you like to read. In the last 5 posts I've mentioned not only Steel Magnolias, but also gender stereotyping in the automobile industry AND several Maggie Smith references.

Hello, Margaret

And today is no different. Today I bring you a post on something I know men are totally into: Pinterest. Yes, yes. I can feel the heat of your faces as you inch closer to the computer screen. But don't get too excited. I'm not going to talk about how awesome Pinterest is. Mostly because I don't think it's that awesome. I get it. It's like God's gift to being organized or something.

I think I'm just not doing it right. Because I can see, objectively, that it is a pretty sweet tool for organizing thoughts, ideas, and most importantly, food. But I'm still only checking on it every month or so. To pin some recipe for 3-foot-long Kit Kat bars. 

But I think everyone, even the most avid Pinterest user, has to admit that there is some stupid crap on Pinterest. 

AND ON THAT NOTE....

Some of the stupidest crap I've ever seen on Pinterest

1) Stuff that serves no purpose. To anyone.

Why. Why would I do this? Just because it's a thing you can do and I suppose it's technically a craft. But what am I doing with large amounts of colorful ice balls? WHAT. AM. I. DOING. WITH. THEM. Because it looks like the most creative thing you could think of is put them in a slightly uneven line that runs along your driveway. 

Pfft. This DIY project got no class. Looking like a line of unicorn turds. 

2) Stuff that seems kinda cute but then you think about it, and it's actually pretty useless, too. 

I see. Hooked. Hooked like on a fishing line. And worms. Leads to gummi worms. Leads to a glass bucket full of gummi worms with the words "hooked on you." Because... that's a thing I guess. I just don't know who I would give this to. I believe it's meant to be given to a significant other. But here's what I'm imagining:

Girlfriend: Hey boyfriend, I made you something for Valentines day!

Boyfriend: Aw, girlfriend. That was nice of you. Here, I bought you a scarf since it's so chilly, tee hee!

Girlfriend: Giggle giggle! It's so nice! Here, I made you a clear jar full of gummi worms that says "hooked on you." Hope you like it!!

Boyfriend: Oh.....kayyyyyy.

I'm not saying I don't appreciate a good gummi worm. But there is a time and a place. Also, aren't cans the traditional worm holder, not buckets? The expression is "opening up a can of worms" correct? I'm not trying to be difficult and split hairs here. But I'm totally right and I refuse to hear otherwise. 

It's like that old adage says,  

"Just because it can be made, doesn't mean it should be made and then put on Pinterest for a bunch of people to put on their DIY board and then never look at again. Because like, when am I going to make this REALLY. And who am I giving it to? No one, right? Right."

                                                                                -Ben Franklin

Did you know that Benjamin Franklin was really into Pinterest? He had a whole pinboard of key & kite themed foyer decorations. 

What am I talking about? How did we get here? The point is, go watch the movie 1776 because Ben Franklin is awesome in it. Plus a young Mr. Feeny plays John Adams and it's magnificent. 

"Salt Peter! JOHHHHNNNN"

No, wait. The real point is, Pinterest is full of things that seem awesome but are actually just tricking you and they will sit on your pinboard forever. 

3) Stuff that borders on eating disorder encouragement. 

I'm NOT talking about those inspirational running images that are like "The first step is the hardest!" and "It's about being healthy, not skinny!" Or just photos that lead to links of exercise routines. That's fine. Whatevs whatevs. Be healthy and such. 

I'm talking about photos like these:

Remember: Girls who wear clothes live longer than girls who take semi-nude MySpace photos in abandoned lots.

Oh ho ho my strong-jawed friend, you are dead wrong. I know a lot of foods that are absolutely worth it. Right now, for example, I am eating fistfulls of Veggie Straws straight from the bag and I'm eyeing that Klondike Bar in the freezer. This is happiness. It's deep and it's real. 

If you felt a pause just there, it was me getting up to get that Klondike bar.

I don't want to get preachy about body image issues among women on Pinterest because... this is not the time or place. I will simply put up this Norman Rockwell image.

YEAH. Think about THAT, creators of "Thinspiration."

Ugh, that name. Thinspiration. Like someone saying,"I need some thinspiration." 

I just... buhhhggggghhhhh Ican'tgetintothis... MOVING ON. 

However! If you would like to hear a rambling, poorly thought-out speech about the lack of female empowerment in The Walking Dead... then just wait a week because I can't keep this in much longer.

4) Stuff that is pretty much garbage

I'm not trying to be mean here, but girlfriend sewed Ziplocs into her purse. And now she's using it to store wet wipes and what appears to be single-serve Aspirin. 

I imagine that whoever came up with this idea showed it to her friends and her friends said "OMG iT's 2 cUte! Can you make me one? I want to pre-order 500 of them before you get Kenneth Cole to mass produce them and the price goes WAY up!" 

And then the friend turn around and trash talks the purse, Regina George-style. 

But it's too late. The damage is done. And the poor purse creator has already posted it to Pinterest. Where some snotty 22-year-old will find it and rip it apart on her blog.

Sigh.. the circle of life.

So there's a car made just for women.

Ladies. Gentlemen. Allow me to introduce you to...

... The Honda Fit She's

I just... I can't... No.

This car (produced and manufactured only in Japan) is marketed as a car for women. I'mma go ahead and say that again. A car for women. Because apparently every other car that has been produced for the last century has been for men. I would now like to go through a few of the She's features.

Feature 1. It's called She's. In case you couldn't tell from the color that it's for women. Even the most masculine car (which is... I don't know... A Dodge Ram? I know A LOT about the fellas. Obviously) is not called the Dodge Bro's. 

Feature 2. It comes in two colors. Bubblegum pink and "eyeliner brown."

Because a woman couldn't possibly drive a car in one of those dull colors like black or white because they're so grotesque. (That should be read in the voice of Liz Lemon in that one 30 Rock episode. You know. That one episode. Come on.) Okay here it is. You must listen for the full effect.


I'm so grotesque

Feature 3. The apostrophe in She's is a heart.

Feature 4. It's described as having "Tutti-Fruity" colors in the interior. I don't want to hear the words tutti-truity unless it's describing a flavor of jelly bean. And even then, I really don't want to eat it. Throw it in the no pile. Right next to buttered popcorn and top banana.

Feature 5. The windshield blocks out 99% of ultraviolet rays. This is supposed to stop women from getting those pesky wrinkles that we old hags can't seem to avoid. You know who doesn't have wrinkles?

wrinkle free since '63

If Meryl Streep made it this far without a wrinkle-free windshield and she still ended up like this - I WILL TAKE MY CHANCES.

Feature 6. A "plasmacluster" climate control system that is supposed to improve skin quality. First of all, "plasmacluster" is a disgusting word. Second of all, there is no way that a climate control system improves skin quality. Third of all, what's up with the wrinkle/skin obsession, Honda? Don't make me use my Meryl Streep argument again.

Did we learn nothing from the ill-fated 1956 Dodge La Femme?

The stunning car that came with a pink floral purse to match the car's interior as well as a swivel driver's seat. So as to preserve a lady's modesty. To summarize, the world's image of women is now slip sliding on down back to 1956.

I realize that the Honda She's is only being sold in Japan. And I also realize that Japan tends to have some pretty traditional gender roles for men and women. But I don't care. Women are women. And women don't need pink hearted wrinkle-free force fields around their cars. Cars are genderless. Like tables. Or paper. Or pens.

Wait...

Halloween Costume Predictions MMXII

Now, some of you may not have heard, but it's election year. At least, that's what my morning news routine (eating a bagel and laughing at Matt Lauer) tells me. And with every election year comes a few things:

1. A huge ratings boost for SNL 

2. An obnoxious number of commercials that are meant to mimic the debates. 

3. Political halloween costumes. 

With that in mind, allow me to present, 

HANNAH'S HALLOWEEN COSTUME PREDICTIONS - MMXII 

1. A binder full of women

You know it's coming. And it's coming hard. In several variety. And my reaction is going to be exactly the same every time. "Oh. Ha. You're a binder full of women. Have you been introduced to the 20 other binders full of women at this party? Ha ha. Haaaaaa. So... So. How bout them Tigers?" (The Detroit Tigers are the only thing anyone in Michigan cares to talk about right now.)

The only way this costume could be made awesome is if it's a guy/girl who has an empty binder attached to their stomach and a polaroid camera. And they go around taking pictures of women at the bar and asking them to sign it, then put it in the binder. Wait, is that awesome? Or is that creepy? I think it's awesome. I could be wrong. I often am. 

2. Sexy Big Bird

This is wrong on several levels. But also, kind of awesome. Ask my sister Emily. She has a tendency to take beloved childhood characters or inappropriate historical figures and make them into sexy Halloween costumes. In a good way. Like sexy Fidel Castro. Or sexy Clifford the Big Red Dog. 

Unless we're both wrong and it's not cool to dress like that. Apparently not being able to distinguish between awesome and creepy is a family trait. 

Upon further review, Sesame Street is hella mad about their treasured characters being made into sex symbols. So unless you want the wrath of Frank Oz on you (which I do) don't show up in a sexy sesame street costume. Unless it's sexy Bert and Ernie. I give my full approval for that. 

3. Clint Eastwood and a chair

Okay, now I understand that the Republican Party does not have a large number of celebrity endorsers. As far as I know, the big three are Clint Eastwood, Donald Trump and Chuck Norris. But Clint Eastwood did not have a great showing at the RNC. 

And he got a lot of crap for it.

But I maintain that Clint Eastwood and chair would be the greatest costume ever because you get to bring a chair to every party. My number one complaint at any party is a lack of places for me to rest my weary bones. I would kill to have a chair with me at a Halloween party. And people would be like, "Hey Hannah can I sit on your chair for a little while?" And I'd be like "SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU CAME DRESSED AS A VICTORIA'S SECRET ANGEL, SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE?! You will get nothing. Nothing but the stares of a thousand adolescent boys."

4. Ryan Lochte

Whether he's in the pool or wearing his ridiculous light-up mouth guard with matching light up shoes, the man is easy to impersonate. I will say that I have a lot more respect for him after he appeared in a 30 Rock episode and made fun of himself. At least he knows and accepts what he is. And he's making millions of dollars off of it so... well done sir.

5. Felix Baumgartner

This one is difficult to recreate. If you can pull it off, you'll probably receive many free beers throughout the night. 

6. Honey Boo-Boo

I think most people expect me to hate Honey Boo Boo, but I really don't. The girl tells it like it is.

Plus I don't think the show is the downfall of society that people are making it out to be. If my family had a camera crew following us around while we were growing up, they would see some weird things. This includes me and my brother wearing underwear outside of our pajamas, my family tending to a few litters of feral cats and one particular feral cat living in the walls of our house for a few months. To clarify, I do not mean that he was within the confines of my house. He was living in the drywall. He is now a moderately well-trained house cat. His name is Wally and he would like your attention right meow.

Wally. The horse/cat

In conclusion, everybody looks crazy to somebody. I ain't here to judge Honey Boo Boo. That tiny blonde child and her sisters adore their mom. Each of them say their mom is their best friend. That's more than some people can say. BOOM.




And that's all, folks. My list of predicted Halloween costumes for the year 2012.

I now leave you with a few of my options for a costume. I would like it to be from just long enough ago that it's awkwardly out of date. Options include:

1. Austin Powers
2. Omarosa from The Apprentice
3. Monica Lewinsky
4. Jared from Subway
5. Me dressed as a zombie with Newsweek covers taped all over me. Get it? Because Newsweek is going out of print? This one is timely!

NOBODY STEAL THAT IDEA. I have patents pending.