Things I don't want to follow us into 2013

First and firstmost, thanks to everyone who took the poll. I learned two things: One, that the people who read my blog do not like stringing cranberries OR popcorn. Noted. Two, I was right. You string cranberries AND popcorn. A-thank you very much.

And now, let me be the first person to say: Merry Christmas. I assume you all spoke to no one before checking my blog and are therefore tickled pink that I thought of you on this special day.

You're welcome. Your Christmas card is on its way.

But I don't want to talk about Christmas today. Today, as we near the end of 2012, I'd like to take a moment to reflect.

Reflection over. It's time to move on to 2013. And I think 2013 has the makings of a fantastic year, as long as we leave behind some of the worst parts of 2012. With that in mind, I'd like to present:

Things I don't want to follow us into 2013

1. "That awkward moment when..."

I don't know where this trend came from, but it had a good run. The kind of run that seems endless. Like trying to run the mile in junior high when you're just a pimply french horn player with a history of lung illness.

Hypothetically.

The phrase is supposed to be used like this:

But it has been warped and twisted to be something that people say when they want to talk about something cute or funny they did earlier in the day. Something very Zooey Deschanel-esque.

Examples include:

- That awkward moment where I realized I'm wearing one plaid sock and one polka dot. #oops #lol #SoFetch

-That awkward moment when my fantasy football team (The Ray-Ban Bandits) beats everyone else's team by a LOT. #SorryImNotSorry

-That awkward moment when I go to pick up my ukulele so I can sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" at this underground bar called "Blank" and my thick-framed glasses fall into my PBR, causing me to drop the "I heart mustaches and bacon" sign I was holding.

Sit down, girl. You haven't even begun to know awkward.

Awkward is when you've doped yourself up on so much Dayquil that you open the door wrapped in a rainbow blanket. And standing there in the doorway are 4 middle aged men who had called the day before to remind you that they needed to check out your furnace. But you forgot. So you let them in. You've already set up your nest of blankets and used tissues on the living room and you don't want to seem rude by pulling everything into your room. So you sit there, still in your blanket, and eat ice cream super slowly while the middle aged men take down the American flag you use to hide the furnace door.

Again, hypothetically.

What I'm trying to say is, 'That awkward moment' had its time in the sun. And now it's time to let it go. Along with...

2. The use of the word "epic."

I don't like to complain about this one because I get it. It's a fun phrase. It makes things seems cooler than they actually are. But for the love of all that is holy, I would really like to see it die out with the year 2012.

And while we're at it, let's also get rid of "totes" and "winning." In fact, anything that was ever uttered by Charlie Sheen should be out.

Charlie Sheen should be out.

Somebody tell Charlie Sheen he's out. 

3. The mustache obsession

Let me be clear. I love mustaches. Real mustaches. If I were a guy, I know I would have facial hair of some kind. Actually, if my brother is any indication, I probably wouldn't. HEYOOO. Sorry John.

I'm not talking about real mustaches. I'm talking about the plastic ones that are in every store and are always handlebar for some reason. Every night before I go to bed I pray to the God of Urban Outfitters that he release us from this cycle of mustache worship.

**side note: if anyone got me a mustache-related present for Christmas, I was just kidding about this post! Thanks so much for the gift!**

Boys, grow your mustaches long and bushy every November if you want to. Grow a different mustache every month of the year. I love a good mustache.

But maybe in 2013 we can keep mustaches away from my baubles and trinkets.

4. The bacon obsession

Same thing, different noun. I love bacon. Real bacon. Anyone who has ever gone with me to Wando's in Madison, WI has seen me inhale a tray of free bacon that came with my $1 Miller Lite. Sigh... it's a wonderful city.

But we have hit the point of bacon saturation. Sorry, but 2013 cannot fit any more bacon keychains, bacon t-shirts, or bacon-scented nail polish.

5. The obsession with Lana Del Rey

I can't go into this, because I can barely understand it. But I will say that British GQ named her "Woman of the Year." And really, hadn't she earned it? I can't think of any woman who has done more to deserve the title. STEP ASIDE, Michelle and Hillary. In the last year, Lana has had a nude magazine cover and arguably the worst musical performance in SNL history. So, yeah. You could say she's earned it.

6. "Dear ___ 
     Blah Blah Blah. 
      Love, ____"

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

It's fun to write imaginary letters to an imaginary person so that you can get your complaint out quickly and succinctly and then post it as your Facebook status. Examples:

Dear Michigan,
It sure would be great if you could stop raining and start snowing.
Love, Hannah.

Dear TNT,
I would appreciate if you would start playing A Christmas Story earlier than Christmas Eve. Because lets be real, I'm gonna watch that bad boy about 50 times.
Love, Hannah.

Dear Time Warner Cable,
FIX MY HD CHANNELS SO THAT I CAN WATCH AMISH MAFIA WITH THE CRISP PICTURE THAT I DESERVE.
Love, Hannah.

Again, I get it. I've done it. But I think it's time to let it go. Let it be 2012's problem. 2013 should get it's own way to complain about inane things. OHH! What if we bring back Carnac the Magnificent from the Johnny Carson show? One person makes their Facebook status a list of stuff and their friends have to guess the answer.

Student loans, global warming, and this blister on my foot.

Things that are bumming me out right now!

Guys. It's happening. GUYS WE'RE DOING THIS. 

Holiday GIF guide

Tis the season, everyone. My tree is decorated, I strung a bunch of popcorn and cranberries, and the holiday GIFs are ripe for the plucking.

Stop. Pause. Before I go on, I would like to take a poll. A stirring argument occurred in my apartment a few days ago, and I INSIST that I am proven right. So, please look to your right. Not directly to your right, dummy. Look to the right of this post.

Please take a moment to read this question about popcorn and cranberry stringing, and let me know your answer. I don't want to say what my opinion is, in case it sways people's answers. But just remember that if you answer wrong I will use my powers of deduction and an elaborate algorithm I will pick one of you at random and give you the old "virtual stink-eye." That's when I glare at my computer like this for hours while I say your name silently in my head:

So... yeah. Take the poll.

Anyway, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself? Oh! Holiday GIF guide! As many people know, I love a good GIF. However, I try not to let this blog become one of those Tumblrs that posts one GIF per day and then puts a little description sentence before each one. Examples of this can be seen here and here.

Do I love these sites? Yes, yes I do. But they are everywhere and I don't think I need to pile on.

EXCEPT FOR RIGHT NOW! Allow me to introduce the first annual HOLIDAY GIF GUIDE!!!!!

Lets begin!

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Thanksgiving Dinner:

 

The next day:

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Grabbing the last box of Frango Mints at Macy's

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When one burned out bulb causes a wholes strand to go out.

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Finding out that the movie Home Alone is 22 years old.

 

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Getting roped into making 3 dozen Christmas cookies

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Getting hit on at the bar by three guys dressed in red footie pjs and Santa hats.

Just replace "she" with "they"

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Realizing that the free cocktails at the holiday Christmas party have loosened your tongue a bit more than you'd hoped:

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Meeting one new person after another at your significant other's Holiday party:

And then when they ask who you know there:

 

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Trying to keep it together when I'm in the car and Josh Groban's "I'll Be Home For Christmas" comes on the radio. The one with the soldiers saying Merry Christmas to their families back home.

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Watching a sibling get roped into an hour-long Christmas phone call while you slip silently out of the room

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Going home to my parent's house for Christmas and discovering a table full of cookies and chocolate

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Did I forget anyone's favorite Christmas movies? I tried to include a lot of them. But I still feel like I'm missing some.


I almost forgot! Credit for the idea of a holiday GIF guide goes to my friend Ben. Have you ever wondered who designed this dishtowel for Crate & Barrel? Or this plate? He is a brilliant designer and illustrator and you should go to his website right HERE

Thoughts that couldn't be salvaged into a full post

Guys, my brain goes in a lot of different directions sometimes. To reign it in, I write things down so that I don't end up spewing nonsense ideas at random people I walk past on the street. Ideas like, "DO YOU EVER WONDER IF MERYL STREEP HAD A HAUNTED PAST BECAUSE SOMETIMES I LOOK INTO HER EYES AND I WONDER WHAT THAT WOMAN HAS GONE THROUGH."

I often write these ideas down and then forget why I wrote them down. So I look back at little scraps of paper that say things like "muffins are nothing but a lie."

Since these ideas aren't long enough or clever enough for their own post, I'm just going to cram a bunch of them into one post and hope that quantity counts more than quality. Here we go.

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When I was a young lass, I watched a lot of Who's Line is it Anyway. But since they were on so late, I ended up watching them off of recorded VHS because yeah, I'm old enough to know what that is. The end result? I've probably only watched 20 episodes of Who's Line is it Anyway. But I've watched them each about 9,000 times.

FLASH FORWARD!! I'm in third grade. And we're choosing celebrities to write fan mail to. I don't remember why we did this. But we did. And I was like, "Awww, yeah I'm gonna write to that guy from Who's Line!" I was thinking of Colin Mochrie.

This glorious, Canadian man:

But my 9-year-old brain couldn't remember his name. The only name I could remember was Drew Carey, the host. So I just decided to write my celebrity fan letter to him.

Since we didn't have those fancy pants smart phones back then, my teacher had to look up the celebrity's mailing addresses for us. So I walked up to my teacher's desk and told her that I needed the address for Drew Carey. And she, either having misheard me or not knowing who Drew Carey was, gave me the address to someone else entirely. But I didn't realize that. And I sent my letter anyway.

And so it was that one week later I got a signed photo back from this man:

No, this is not my photo. Yes, mine looked EXACTLY like it.

Jim Carrey. The most embarrassing thing is that I still put Drew Carey's name on the envelope, and I filled 3 pages on how much I loved Who's Line. Sorry Jim Carrey. Hope my letter didn't hurt your ego too much.

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Why do I need to find 4 new friends in Ann Arbor? Because I have a dream. And that dream is that for Halloween 2013 I will be able to create an all-female version of One Direction.

Hear me out!

Everyone would have to dedicate themselves completely. Wigs that are styled into douchey flipped haircuts would be worn, along with fedoras and suspenders. And we'd have to spend the entire night playfully punching each other on the shoulder and hanging on each other while we smile at an invisible camera in the distance.

God it would be so awesome. And theres nothing sad about a bunch of 20-something women dressed like 18 year old boys.

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Actresses I think would be genuinely nice people in real life (in no particular order):

1) Allison Janning

Allison Janney is first on this list. I know everyone probably expected Meryl Streep. WELL CALM DOWN, GUYS. I HAVE OTHER CELEBRITY OBSESSIONS SO JUST BACK OFF. 

Anywho, Allison. I freakin love this lady.

She is always so accessible in all her characters, including the mom from Juno and the lovely CJ Cregg in The West Wing. I think it's because she's a nice midwestern lady. Born in Dayton, Ohio. She's about the only actress in Drop Dead Gorgeous with a believable accent. 

Did anyone else think for like 2 seconds that Madame Maxine was Allison Janney in Harry Potter 4?

It isn't. But a girl can dream, right?

2) Maggie Smith

I've discussed my love for Dame Maggie Smith. That love still stands.

3) Meryl Streep

We all know that I spend large amounts of time googling Meryl. So here you are. Two women who need no last name. Meryl and Hillary:

4) Lena Dunham

Lena Dunham has the life I desire and I just want to sit down and talk to her about it.

5) Shirley McClaine

Love of my life.

6) Mary Steenburgen

She is playing the same type of characters that she played 28 years ago in What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

She ages like a fine wine.

7) Kristin Wiig

Everyone should listen to Alec Baldwin's podcast Here's The Thing where he interviews Kristin Wiig. She admits that she had no idea what she was going to do with her life for about 30 years. I like that.

8) Megan Mullaley

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The next time I meet someone from New Zealand the first sentence I say is going to be: "Hello. I see you're from New Zealand. I am now going to wait as long as I possibly can before I mention Lord of the Ri- SO HAVE YOU EVER MET FRODO?!?"

So okay. After I wrote that sentence my first thought was, "What if the next person I meet from New Zealand is Zoboomafoo?"

And then I was like "Oh, silly me. He's from Madagascar, not New Zealand."

Notice that my first thought was not, "Oh wait Zoboomafoo is a fictional lemur-puppet from a 1990's PBS kids show. I won't be meeting him. And I certainly won't be holding out a conversation with him."

No. My first thought: "DUH, Hannah. Wrong giant island located in the Southeastern quadrant of the world. Otherwise you two could totally have a gabfest about how awesome the Ents are."

"Nobody cares for the woods anymore..."

I think I'm going to go re-read The Hobbit before the movie comes out.

.... and also I made Lembas bread. 

It wasn't good.