Last night, I was one glass of wine away from tearfully live-blogging the final episode of 30 Rock. I told myself that if I waited 24 hours and it still seemed like a good idea in the harsh light of day, then I would do it.
AND IT TOTALLY DOES.
30 Rock got me through some tough times. Like that time I let my friend cut my bangs and I ended up with severe Rooney Mara bangs for a month.
Except shorter
If I was at my parent's house, I would photocopy my 2007 Pool Pass and put it here. That is the only photo that remains of that dark month. You could say I was 5 years ahead of a trend that is too cool for me in the first place. You could say that. Or you could say that I made sophomore year of high school SOMEHOW more awkward.
You've done a lot for me, 30 Rock. And now I'd like to give back. So may I present to you:
Candle in the Wind: 30 Rock, a Reflection
Come with me on a journey of the soul. I recommend playing the video below, then following along with my lyric-by-lyric reflection on a TV show that captured hearts and minds for seven years.
"Because I am a sailor. On the sea of the human heart."
***Warning: This video is live. Although I hate listening to live music on YouTube, Elton John is dressed like some sort of Colonial Amadeus sprinkled with stardust and I love it. If you'd like a different version, then I recommend taking your mouse and clicking over to YouTube and finding one. I certainly can't condone any other version but this one.***
Goodbye Norma Jean
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
And they made you change your name
[chorus]
And it seems to me you lived your life Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in
And I would have liked to have known you But I was just a kid
Your candle burned out long before Your legend ever did
Loneliness was tough
The toughest role you ever played Hollywood created a superstar
And pain was the price you paid
Even when you died
Oh the press still hounded you
All the papers had to say Was that Marilyn was found in the nude
[repeat chorus]
Goodbye Norma Jean Though I never knew you at all You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled Goodbye Norma Jean From the young man in the 22nd row
I've been real lazy on the blog front, lately. In my defense, The West Wing and Dr. Who just came on Netflix and I also decided to give Big Bang Theory another chance.
My assessment of Big Bang Theory the second time around? I feel the same way about it that I felt about Lost. I get why people like it, I'll watch it if it's on. But if you corner me at a social occasion and try to get me to discuss it with you I will pretend like I have no idea what you're talking about. I will lie to your face and say I don't watch the show.
Then I'll steer the conversation toward that one time I had food poisoning but I needed to get home so I bathroom-hopped from restaurant to restaurant, offering no explanation to the hostess or the people in the bathroom with me.
And nobody wants that. Especially not that stranger who was forced to listen to that story in a grocery store one time. It started cute and ended with this face:
All this to say - I've been busy, dude. I did actually do real things, like spend a week in Mexico building cisterns. But that was less funny and more eye-opening and amazing. And I like to keep things superficial.
So instead, I'd like to talk about something near and dear to my heart: cheating on New Year's resolutions. I'm tired of picking resolutions and then failing at them. So this year, I'm opting to choose only resolutions that I have either already halfway finished or things I'm probably going to do this year anyway.
I wouldn't want to strain anything.
Resolutions I can absolutely keep this year:
1. Accumulate more Muppet movies
I recently realized that it has been years since I watched Muppet Treasure Island and it is making me sick to my stomach.
Also, the other day I was grocery shopping at Meijer and I spotted Muppets in Space from across the room. I dropped the off-brand toilet paper I was holding and abandoned my cart to go get it.
I have an emptiness in my soul that can only be filled with the complete collection of The Muppets. And if anyone was wondering, it turns out that if you memorize the song "Moving Right Along" when you're 7, then you will not have forgotten it by the time you're 22.
2. Keep making purchases based on the most inconsequential aspect of the product.
I'm a simple girl with simple tastes. I don't often spend a lot of money. But when I do spend money, it's because of a feature that no one else cares about. The other day I came across the Blu-ray disc of Girls season 1.
This conversation went through my head while I blocked the entire TV on DVD aisle at Best Buy:
"Girls, huh? That was a good show. I wouldn't mind owning it. Ugh, but $40? No... I don't need it. Hm. I wonder how Brian Williams feels about his daughter being on that show? Probably he feels poorly about it. One would assume. She's the worst. No. I won't get it. I won't. I don't need it. I'll just...
...Wait. HOLD ON. 30 SECONDS OF BEHIND-THE-SCENES BLOOPERS?!!? PUT IT ON MY CARD, PLEASE."
3. Become a wedding planner for people who aren't taking their weddings very seriously
No one believes me, but planning a wedding sounds like my own kind of personal hell. When I say that to people, there's always someone who smiles all knowingly at me and says something like, "but you KNOW you've been planning your dream wedding since you were a little girl!"
And then I throw them the old Tommy Lee Jones loving stare.
Except last night I came up with the most brilliant of brilliant ideas for a wedding.
Except it's possibly not that great and I just have terrible personal style.
I'm leaning towards the second option.
I call it, THE LEGO BOWL.
So here's what you do: In the middle of each table at the reception, you put a bowl of Legos instead of a centerpiece. Or do a centerpiece too, I'm not picky. I'm a very laissez-faire wedding planner.Then give each table the instructions on what they have to build. And make it something awesome, like the Lord of the Rings Lego set, or a Harry Potter Lego set.
And the table can't clink their glasses and request a kiss from the bride and groom until the set is built. So it bonds the table AND the happy couple gets some sweet Lego sets out of it. Win, win. 4. Find someone who sells Girl Scout Cookies
One resolution down already. My laziness knows no bounds.
This has been a resolution for the majority of my life. And a co-worker just announced that her daughter was selling cookies. And that, my friends, is reason enough to join the workforce.
Although I did just find out that the Keebler Elves have come up with some sort of Samoas knock-off. This may change everything.
Somebody let me know if these bad boys are worth my time. 5. Give sushi another try.
God sushi just seems SO COOL.
There has been more than one occasion when I'm left at home sobbing into my cup o' noodle because my friends all went out for a sushi night. It's just... it's a lifestyle. People get really into sushi and they make it a lifestyle. And I want in.
This is a perpetual New Years resolution. I assume it will go on forever. I can think of several foods that I try every year in hopes that I will miraculously have grown up and started liking grown-up foods. This list includes:
-mushrooms
-greek yogurt
-sushi
-salmon
-most crumbly cheeses. Let's stop putting on airs here - most cheeses in general
-red wine
-broccoli
-refried beans
I'm ever hopeful that I will learn to love these foods ever since The Great Avocado Discovery of 2010. Also the Butternut Squash Reconsideration of 2008.
6. Accumulate more GIFs of Tina Belcher
I have now been told by three different people that I remind them of Tina. These GIFs should give some indication of why that's not exactly a compliment. But it's also not exactly wrong.
First and firstmost, thanks to everyone who took the poll. I learned two things: One, that the people who read my blog do not like stringing cranberries OR popcorn. Noted. Two, I was right. You string cranberries AND popcorn. A-thank you very much.
And now, let me be the first person to say: Merry Christmas. I assume you all spoke to no one before checking my blog and are therefore tickled pink that I thought of you on this special day.
You're welcome. Your Christmas card is on its way.
But I don't want to talk about Christmas today. Today, as we near the end of 2012, I'd like to take a moment to reflect.
Reflection over. It's time to move on to 2013. And I think 2013 has the makings of a fantastic year, as long as we leave behind some of the worst parts of 2012. With that in mind, I'd like to present: Things I don't want to follow us into 2013
1. "That awkward moment when..."
I don't know where this trend came from, but it had a good run. The kind of run that seems endless. Like trying to run the mile in junior high when you're just a pimply french horn player with a history of lung illness.
Hypothetically.
The phrase is supposed to be used like this:
But it has been warped and twisted to be something that people say when they want to talk about something cute or funny they did earlier in the day. Something very Zooey Deschanel-esque.
Examples include: - That awkward moment where I realized I'm wearing one plaid sock and one polka dot. #oops #lol #SoFetch
-That awkward moment when my fantasy football team (The Ray-Ban Bandits) beats everyone else's team by a LOT. #SorryImNotSorry
-That awkward moment when I go to pick up my ukulele so I can sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" at this underground bar called "Blank" and my thick-framed glasses fall into my PBR, causing me to drop the "I heart mustaches and bacon" sign I was holding.
Sit down, girl. You haven't even begun to know awkward.
Awkward is when you've doped yourself up on so much Dayquil that you open the door wrapped in a rainbow blanket. And standing there in the doorway are 4 middle aged men who had called the day before to remind you that they needed to check out your furnace. But you forgot. So you let them in. You've already set up your nest of blankets and used tissues on the living room and you don't want to seem rude by pulling everything into your room. So you sit there, still in your blanket, and eat ice cream super slowly while the middle aged men take down the American flag you use to hide the furnace door.
Again, hypothetically.
What I'm trying to say is, 'That awkward moment' had its time in the sun. And now it's time to let it go. Along with...
2. The use of the word "epic."
I don't like to complain about this one because I get it. It's a fun phrase. It makes things seems cooler than they actually are. But for the love of all that is holy, I would really like to see it die out with the year 2012.
And while we're at it, let's also get rid of "totes" and "winning." In fact, anything that was ever uttered by Charlie Sheen should be out.
Charlie Sheen should be out.
Somebody tell Charlie Sheen he's out.
3. The mustache obsession
Let me be clear. I love mustaches. Real mustaches. If I were a guy, I know I would have facial hair of some kind. Actually, if my brother is any indication, I probably wouldn't. HEYOOO. Sorry John.
I'm not talking about real mustaches. I'm talking about the plastic ones that are in every store and are always handlebar for some reason. Every night before I go to bed I pray to the God of Urban Outfitters that he release us from this cycle of mustache worship.
**side note: if anyone got me a mustache-related present for Christmas, I was just kidding about this post! Thanks so much for the gift!**
Boys, grow your mustaches long and bushy every November if you want to. Grow a different mustache every month of the year. I love a good mustache.
But maybe in 2013 we can keep mustaches away from my baubles and trinkets. 4. The bacon obsession
Same thing, different noun. I love bacon. Real bacon. Anyone who has ever gone with me to Wando's in Madison, WI has seen me inhale a tray of free bacon that came with my $1 Miller Lite. Sigh... it's a wonderful city.
But we have hit the point of bacon saturation. Sorry, but 2013 cannot fit any more bacon keychains, bacon t-shirts, or bacon-scented nail polish.
5. The obsession with Lana Del Rey
I can't go into this, because I can barely understand it. But I will say that British GQ named her "Woman of the Year." And really, hadn't she earned it? I can't think of any woman who has done more to deserve the title. STEP ASIDE, Michelle and Hillary. In the last year, Lana has had a nude magazine cover andarguably the worst musical performance in SNL history. So, yeah. You could say she's earned it.
6. "Dear ___ Blah Blah Blah. Love, ____"
Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
It's
fun to write imaginary letters to an imaginary person so that you can
get your complaint out quickly and succinctly and then post it as your
Facebook status. Examples:
Dear Michigan, It sure would be great if you could stop raining and start snowing. Love, Hannah. Dear TNT, I would appreciate if you would start playing A Christmas Story earlier than Christmas Eve. Because lets be real, I'm gonna watch that bad boy about 50 times. Love, Hannah.
Dear Time Warner Cable, FIX MY HD CHANNELS SO THAT I CAN WATCH AMISH MAFIA WITH THE CRISP PICTURE THAT I DESERVE. Love, Hannah.
Again,
I get it. I've done it. But I think it's time to let it go. Let it be
2012's problem. 2013 should get it's own way to complain about inane
things. OHH! What if we bring back Carnac the Magnificent from the
Johnny Carson show? One person makes their Facebook status a list of stuff
and their friends have to guess the answer.
Student loans, global warming, and this blister on my foot.
Tis the season, everyone. My tree is decorated, I strung a bunch of popcorn and cranberries, and the holiday GIFs are ripe for the plucking.
Stop. Pause. Before I go on, I would like to take a poll. A stirring argument occurred in my apartment a few days ago, and I INSIST that I am proven right. So, please look to your right. Not directly to your right, dummy. Look to the right of this post.
Please take a moment to read this question about popcorn and cranberry stringing, and let me know your answer. I don't want to say what my opinion is, in case it sways people's answers. But just remember that if you answer wrong I will use my powers of deduction and an elaborate algorithm I will pick one of you at random and give you the old "virtual stink-eye." That's when I glare at my computer like this for hours while I say your name silently in my head:
So... yeah. Take the poll.
Anyway, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself? Oh! Holiday GIF guide! As many people know, I love a good GIF. However, I try not to let this blog become one of those Tumblrs that posts one GIF per day and then puts a little description sentence before each one. Examples of this can be seen here and here.
Do I love these sites? Yes, yes I do. But they are everywhere and I don't think I need to pile on.
EXCEPT FOR RIGHT NOW! Allow me to introduce the first annualHOLIDAYGIFGUIDE!!!!!
Lets begin!
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Thanksgiving Dinner:
The next day:
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Grabbing the last box of Frango Mints at Macy's
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When one burned out bulb causes a wholes strand to go out.
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Finding out that the movie Home Alone is 22 years old.
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Getting roped into making 3 dozen Christmas cookies
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Getting hit on at the bar by three guys dressed in red footie pjs and Santa hats.
Just replace "she" with "they"
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Realizing that the free cocktails at the holiday Christmas party have loosened your tongue a bit more than you'd hoped:
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Meeting one new person after another at your significant other's Holiday party:
And then when they ask who you know there:
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Trying
to keep it together when I'm in the car and Josh Groban's "I'll Be Home
For Christmas" comes on the radio. The one with the soldiers saying
Merry Christmas to their families back home.
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Watching a sibling get roped into an hour-long Christmas phone call while you slip silently out of the room
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Going home to my parent's house for Christmas and discovering a table full of cookies and chocolate
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Did I forget anyone's favorite Christmas movies? I tried to include a lot of them. But I still feel like I'm missing some.
I almost forgot! Credit for the idea of a holiday GIF guide goes to my friend Ben. Have you ever wondered who designed this dishtowel for Crate & Barrel? Or this plate? He is a brilliant designer and illustrator and you should go to his website right HERE
Guys, my brain goes in a lot of different directions sometimes. To reign it in, I write things down so that I don't end up spewing nonsense ideas at random people I walk past on the street. Ideas like, "DO YOU EVER WONDER IF MERYL STREEP HAD A HAUNTED PAST BECAUSE SOMETIMES I LOOK INTO HER EYES AND I WONDER WHAT THAT WOMAN HAS GONE THROUGH."
I often write these ideas down and then forget why I wrote them down. So I look back at little scraps of paper that say things like "muffins are nothing but a lie."
Since these ideas aren't long enough or clever enough for their own post, I'm just going to cram a bunch of them into one post and hope that quantity counts more than quality. Here we go.
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When I was a young lass, I watched a lot of Who's Line is it Anyway. Butsince they were on so late, I ended up watching them off of recorded VHS because yeah, I'm old enough to know what that is. The end result? I've probably only watched 20 episodes of Who's Line is it Anyway. But I've watched themeachabout 9,000 times.
FLASH FORWARD!! I'm in third grade. And we're choosing celebrities to write fan mail to. I don't remember why we did this. But we did. And I was like, "Awww, yeah I'm gonna write to that guy from Who's Line!" I was thinking of Colin Mochrie.
This glorious, Canadian man:
But my 9-year-old brain couldn't remember his name. The only name I could remember was Drew Carey, the host. So I just decided to write my celebrity fan letter to him.
Since we didn't have those fancy pants smart phones back then, my teacher had to look up the celebrity's mailing addresses for us. So I walked up to my teacher's desk and told her that I needed the address for Drew Carey. And she, either having misheard me or not knowing who Drew Carey was, gave me the address to someone else entirely. But I didn't realize that. And I sent my letter anyway.
And so it was that one week later I got a signed photo back from this man:
No, this is not my photo. Yes, mine looked EXACTLY like it.
Jim Carrey. The most embarrassing thing is that I still put Drew Carey's name on the envelope, and I filled 3 pages on how much I loved Who's Line. Sorry Jim Carrey. Hope my letter didn't hurt your ego too much.
Why do I need to find 4 new friends in Ann Arbor? Because I have a dream. And that dream is that for Halloween 2013 I will be able to create an all-female version of One Direction.
Hear me out!
Everyone would have to dedicate themselves completely. Wigs that are styled into douchey flipped haircuts would be worn, along with fedoras and suspenders. And we'd have to spend the entire night playfully punching each other on the shoulder and hanging on each other while we smile at an invisible camera in the distance.
God it would be so awesome. And
theres nothing sad about a bunch of 20-something women dressed like 18 year
old boys.
Actresses I think would be genuinely nice people in real life (in no particular order):
1) Allison Janning
Allison Janney is first on this list. I know everyone probably expected Meryl Streep. WELL CALM DOWN, GUYS. I HAVE OTHER CELEBRITY OBSESSIONS SO JUST BACK OFF.
Anywho, Allison. I freakin love this lady.
She is always so accessible in all her characters, including the mom from Juno and the lovely CJ Cregg in The West Wing. I think it's because she's a nice midwestern lady. Born in Dayton, Ohio. She's about the only actress in Drop Dead Gorgeous with a believable accent.
Did anyone else think for like 2 seconds that Madame Maxine was Allison Janney in Harry Potter 4?
It isn't. But a girl can dream, right?
2) Maggie Smith
I've discussed my love for Dame Maggie Smith. That love still stands.
3) Meryl Streep
We all know that I spend large amounts of time googling Meryl. So here you are. Two women who need no last name. Meryl and Hillary:
4) Lena Dunham
Lena Dunham has the life I desire and I just want to sit down and talk to her about it.
5) Shirley McClaine
Love of my life.
6) Mary Steenburgen
She is playing the same type of characters that she played 28 years ago in What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
She ages like a fine wine.
7) Kristin Wiig
Everyone should listen to Alec Baldwin's podcast Here's The Thing where he interviews Kristin Wiig. She admits that she had no idea what she was going to do with her life for about 30 years. I like that.
The next time I meet someone from
New Zealand the first sentence I say is going to be: "Hello. I see
you're from New Zealand. I am now going to wait as long as I possibly
can before I mention Lord of the Ri- SO HAVE YOU EVER MET FRODO?!?"
So okay. After I wrote that sentence my first thought was, "What if the next person I meet
from New Zealand is Zoboomafoo?"
And then I was like "Oh, silly me. He's
from Madagascar, not New Zealand."
Notice that my first thought was not,
"Oh wait Zoboomafoo is a fictional lemur-puppet from a 1990's PBS kids show. I won't be meeting him. And I
certainly won't be holding out a conversation with him."
No. My first thought: "DUH, Hannah. Wrong giant island located in the Southeastern quadrant of the world. Otherwise you two could totally have a gabfest about how awesome the Ents are."
"Nobody cares for the woods anymore..."
I think I'm going to go re-read The Hobbit before the movie comes out.
