Some abandoned post ideas

So I've been a bit lax in posting lately. I'm working on another project that is taking up almost all my free time, so these posts are probably going to get a bit shorter. Or I'll start having huge bursts of creativity and I'll simply have to post them here.

Probably not, though. Considering these were my most recent big ideas:

- Another attempt at a post about my love for Jeff Goldblum. It would be my third draft and it's still painfully unfunny. Just believe me when I say that he and I have a relationship. A relationship in my mind. A mindlationship.

-A shot-by-shot analysis of Star Trek III: The Search for Spock. 

-An entire post dedicated to Spock's funeral in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

At 1:06 they start playing the bagpipes. In space. So... yeah. It's worth a look.

- A post about why you shouldn't buy boxed wine. Reasons 1-100: You will finish it too quickly and then have to do some life-reflecting calculations about how many days it took you to get to this place.

But none of those were very funny, so I leave you with this final thought: The person who trademarked It's-a-girl lying-in-bed-but-then-it-turns-out-she's-standing-and-then-she-walks-through-an-elaborate-set must be a millionaire right now.

A butchered summary of that movie you used to love

Have you ever tried to remember the plot of a movie that you were obsessed with as a kid? What's sad is that no matter how much you loved it, you've probably forgotten 90% of the details. 

With that in mind, I've decided to summarize three of my favorite childhood movies without using the Internet to research them beforehand. This is straight from my childhood brain bits. I pushed aside the lyrics to every song in Annie and Gilda Radner's Right to Extreme Stupidity in order to get to this. So if you're in the mood to hear your favorite childhood movies boiled down to the most basic plot lines that an 8-year-old can understand, LOOK NO FURTHER.

#1 The Indian in the Cupboard

-A young boy is an outcast, probably. Then he finds his grandmother's key in a drawer. And his brother gave him a cupboard that no one can open. As brothers do. And the younger brother (Maybe it's a friend?) puts a plastic Native American doll into the cupboard and it becomes real. Then they try to make him a wife. But they can't. Or she dies, possibly. Somehow a cowboy gets involved and I believe someone gets shot. There is also a rat.

-The magical key had a red ribbon tied to it and I think it could open many things. Like... you could use it to open up a diary and it would suddenly become a magical diary. But this kid was a dummy and only used it on a cupboard. Or were there sequels where they used the key on other things? If not, then this is a wasted opportunity.

- The rat in a ball gets more involved somehow. Like, the boy steals the rat in a ball. Or rolls the rat down the hall in a ball. NO! It gets stuck in the floorboards. No. I don't remember.

Side note, one time my brother let his 4 lizards escape from their cage and then five years later we found a mummified lizard corpse in his closet. True story.

-It's directed by Frank Oz?! That I didn't remember. I just went back and looked it up but OF COURSE IT WAS. Everything he touches turns to gold:

• Indian in the Cupboard
• The Dark Crystal
• What About Bob?
• Little Shop of Horrors

Need I go on? Because I'm going to. This is my idea for the cover of my autobiography: The title will be "Can I be Frank?" And the cover image will be my face slowly transforming into Frank Oz's face, Animorphs style.

#2 James and the Giant Peach

-James had terrifying, TERRIFYING Aunts. Evil old female villains are kind of a recurring theme in Roald Dahl books. By the way, if you ever want to hear a dead-on impression of the aunts from "James and the Giant Peach" or the wife from "Twits" or the witches from "Witches" then ask my dad. He also does a mean Cindy Lou Who.

-James's parents were killed by a giant rhino in the sky. Or something. Right? It was something super bizarre that worked in the book and not in the movie. Also, can I just say that when I was a kid I was pretty sure I was going to end up an orphan since half the books I read and movies I watched had orphans as the protagonist.

-James picks up garbage with some sort of ingenious garbage contraption that I wanted when I was a kid. But I wanted it so that I could use it to pick up the sticks in our backyard that fell from a cottonwood tree all year round.

TANGENT. Everyone. Before you buy your house this is the first question you should ask:

Is there a cottonwood tree on the property or within a 5 mile radius?

If so, run don't walk to the next property. Cottonwood trees are just the worst. When Memorial Day rolls around you better hold on to your butts because those trees are going to just dump some cotton-type substance all over your lawn and the lawns of every neighbor and any poor soul who drives past.

Then the neighbors will walk by with their Poodles and their Chow-chows and their Bichon Frises and they'll stare at you with a look that says, "you might as well kill yourself rather than allow a cottonwood tree in your backyard."

Anyway. Back to childhood movies.

-One of the bugs has the voice of Richard Dreyfuss. If you think that I'm cheating and I didn't know who Richard Dreyfuss was at the age of 10 or that I was not able to distinguish celebrity voices from a young age then YOU DON'T KNOW ME BUT AT ALL.

-Those terrifying little green worms scared me to the brink of death and into the realm of despair.

 

Looking back, this is so obviously a Tim Burton film.

#3 Angels is the Outfield

I couldn't think of Joseph Gordon Levitt's name, and I didn't want to cheat and use the Internet. So instead I wrote down every name that came to me before I settled on him (I knew it was a three-word name):

Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Chad Michael Murray
Evan Rachel Wood
Benjamin Moore
Joe
Joe Something Something

Joseph

JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT

- So Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character (another orphan, what do ya know?) gets it into his head that if the Angels win the tournament, he will be adopted. I am assuming here that in real life, there is no such team as the California Angels. But would I bet money on it? No I would not.

-At some point this guy sits in some nachos and it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen in my life to that point. Because he had cheese all over his butt. Do you get it? You probably don't get it. It's really high-brow.

- Brenda Fricker  (aka the Irish mother in every movie you've ever seen) plays the loving foster mother.

Sadly, she has the worst imdb page I have ever encountered. The first sentence starts with the words: "This frumpy, maternal, Irish character actress..."

OKAY imdb. Calm down. It's not even like they said "she often plays a character who is frumpy and maternal." No, no. They directly say that the woman herself is frumpy and maternal. She is an Academy Award-winning actress who deserves more than the word "frumpy" to be her main descriptor.

You want to know who is becoming frumpy in their old age?

Jack Nicholson, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, I know he's also an Academy Award-winning actor who doesn't deserve to go on blast. I am, of course, joking. I love you, Jacky Nick. Never change. The day you wear Crocs to the Oscars is the day I can die a happy woman.

-And lest we forget

Nothing cuter than crying while you imitate an angel.



And that's it. That's all I can remember about these movies that I used to watch on loop. No wonder my mom let me watch Grease when I was 7 years old. Clearly it had no lasting effect.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a sock hop to attend.

This is the worst.

I had an entire post written. Then it deleted itself under mysterious circumstances and I slid to the ground in despair. All I have to say is

Anyway, I'll re-write it. Eventually. Ugh, or maybe I won't.

WHY IS LIFE SO HARD.

Gifs that needed to exist

Well everyone, I finally figured how to make my own gifs. I feel like a new woman. Before today I was like an infant, suckling at the Tumblr teat.

Oof. That metaphor just got real. Or was it a simile? Pretty sure metaphor. This is why I should not speak beyond my knowledge base. I know just enough to be able to tell someone that they're wrong, but not enough to explain what is right.

Just like Congress, amirite? Oh yes, my friend. This blog just went political.  

My inability to define rhetorical devices is also why I almost never say that something is ironic. I maintain that no one really knows what irony is. Maybe Socrates. When I try to use irony, I almost always end up pulling an Alanis Morissette, embarrassing myself on the world stage. It's ironic that everything in the song Ironic isn't ironic.

Where in sweet baby Jesus's name was I before I derailed myself?



Oh, right, gifs.

I was tired of having to comb through the interwebs for the appropriate gif for a blog post. Mostly because my particular palate is: movies that nobody else seems to remember and also, Muppets.

So may I present: Ten gifs that I've been meaning to make and now I finally have.

WARNING. I still have not learned all the tricks to shrinking the file size of my gifs. I'll get to that. So if you're hoping to steal them directly from here... you've been warned. Also if anyone wants to help a sister out, leave a comment letting me know how it's done. I dipped a toe in Internet gif forums and I don't care to return.

1. Meryl Streep - Doubt
 

Oh, do you not remember this 2008 blockbuster hit? I'm not sure who I convinced to see this with me, but I know that they probably regretted it. Mostly because for the next week every single conversation went like this:

Unsuspecting friend #1: Hey Hannah, what should we get for dinner, pizza or Chinese food?
Me: I don't know. I have... SUCH DOUBTS.

Unsuspecting friend #2: Lorelei Gilmore totally belongs with Luke. Christopher is just toying with her.
Me: How can you be so certain? I have... SUCH DOUBTS.

2. Lucille Bluth's wink

Okay her wink is totally documented all over the internet, but for some reason no one has a gif of her switching over his shoulder to wink a second time. And that's the funniest part for me.

3. Mindy Kaling's head shake

Kelly Kapoor telling Ryan that she was pregnant and then cutting to this head shake is possibly my very favorite moment on The Office.

4. NPH loves the air

This bit is adorable. But it turns out it doesn't translate well to gif-form. Would have been better as still pictures. You live, you learn.

5. Peter Dinklage - Shut it down. 

This gif is actually the reason I started this post. I decided that I could only be fulfilled in life if I was able to make this gif. Then once I made it I texted it to my sister and insisted that she bow before her Queen.

You know. As sisters do.

6. To Industry! - Jason Segel

 

If I ever become a fat cat business-person, this is the first thing I would say. In fact, as soon as I received my Master's in being a business-person I would throw my four-cornered hat in the air, put a monocle up to my eye, turn my head slowly to face my peers, smile maniacally, and scream, "TO INDUSTRY."

Thankfully I have no immediate business plans.

7. Bean Bunny gets hit with a wreath.

If you've listened to the director's commentary on Muppet Christmas Carol like I have, you would find out that the muppeteers love to beat up Bean Bunny. And I love watching it.

8. Lenny kisses cutout - That Thing You Do!

The rest of these gifs are all That Thing You Do related.

9. Tom Hank's victory punch - That Thing You Do!

I don't think I have anything to add to this. 

10. Girl has emotional breakdown -That Thing You Do!

 

Back when I was watching this movie on VHS while sitting on a shag rug and gazing up at my poster of Duran Duran (what the hell decade am I referring to?) I was able to rewind it back to this point and show it to my family over and over again as I rolled around on the floor, laughing at this woman's expression. Like... did she know the camera was on her? Was she just an unpaid extra? Did she go to the theater, see this and think, "I've finally done it! I've hit it big! I am... sobbing teenager."

Finally and most importantly, when he is 85 years old and on his deathbed will Tom Hanks watch this video in his final seconds? And as the clip ends, and the girl's face fades to black will he place a gnarled hand on Rita Wilson's face and gently whisper, "It's done. It's done now."

I like to think he will.

The effect of The Muppets on my childhood

Here are some other titles that I almost used for this post:

- A peek into the life of a deeply codependent 10-year-old: The Hannah Shepard Story. 
- My Muppet Love Spectrum: From Gonzo to Grover.
- My life as Frank Oz's shadow.
- My year as Frank Oz's stalker.
- Frank n' Beans: A Muppet-Themed Recipe Blog.

But none of them seemed to truly capture the message that I'm trying to get across, so I just came out and said it.

Guys, I'm the type of person that forms deep, deep emotional attachments to the characters I see on T.V.. I like to think that this is why I have personal bonds with the Muppets, celebrities named Meryl, and Tina from Bob's Burgers. Among others.

So while I was growing up and traveling along this dusty road I like to call life, I allowed the Muppets to teach me lessons. Allow me to share:

Kermit
Does anyone remember that scene in Muppet Treasure Island where Kermit wears this Fabio-esque button-down and is sword-fighting with Tim Curry? Perhaps this will jog your memory:

So around the time that he's dressed like this, he gets out his sword and starts swiftly cutting off all the trimmings on Tim Curry's jacket.

Let's take a moment to appreciate the fact that I am really setting the scene for you right here. Well done, Hannah. Everyone is super interested in this completely non-essential bit of information from a 17-year-old movie.

ANYWAY. While Kermit is doing this, he compliments himself and says, "not bad for an amphibian." I thought this was the funniest line that I had ever heard and I would rewind to watch that part over and over.

So one day at school we were all supposed to write short stories and read them out loud. I wrote one that involved a talking lizard, somehow. And I recycled the "not bad for an amphibian" line. Everyone laughed. I killed it. I was basically the queen of third grade. But then I went home and cried for an hour because it wasn't my original work and I stole it from the brilliant mind of Kermit the Frog.

Kermit's life lesson: Never plagiarize another person's work.

Emmet Otter
So there's a really stinkin' old Muppet TV Special called Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Chrismas and it is as amazing as it sounds. It has an outtakes reel that shows the crew trying to get a drum head to roll perfectly. And it takes about 200 tries.

I showed this clip to my boyfriend and his reaction was... unsatisfactory. I have no patience for people who don't have the exact same sense of humor as me, so I snapped the laptop shut and insisted that he's a madman for not peeing himself with laughter.

In hindsight, I may have been wrong. And my particular brand of humor may not be funny to everyone and I should just get over it.

....
.......
............

NOPE. I just watched the video again and it is still hilarious.

Emmet Otter's Life Lesson: I'm hilarious and no one can convince me otherwise.


Baby Bear

 
Overall, I have a deeper connection to The Muppet Show muppets rather than Sesame Street muppets. This is mostly because I'm the youngest sibling, and my sisters said that Sesame Street was for babies. But the Muppet movies were cool.

However. One of my strongest memories of Sesame Street is how much I hated Baby Bear. He's one of those characters that asks all the dumb questions so that older muppets or the adults can answer them. Kids are supposed to relate to him because he gets confused and he has a R/W speech impediment. He would say "caw weck" instead of "car wreck."

Although I don't know why he would be discussing car wrecks at all. Hardly seems customary for a kid's show.

I was always embarrassed for him because he needed the answers spoon-fed to him. When he couldn't figure something out I would just say to myself, "this kid is a dummy. Who doesn't know their ABCs yet? Moron."

Baby Bear's Life Lesson: Don't talk down to children. They know when they're being talked down to.

Miss Piggy

Miss Piggy is far and beyond my favorite Muppet.

The lady has class, style, confidence, and she's not afraid to snarf a jelly-filled doughnut in front of her boyfriend.

Unfortunately, it seems like Miss Piggy is the go-to insult for celebrities when they have the audacity to put on a few pounds.

But I am being 100% honest when I say that I would have loved to be compared to Miss Piggy when I was a kid. She does what she wants and forgets the rest. Hell, I wouldn't mind being compared to her right now. I'm going to go ahead and say it: Miss Piggy has done more for the feminist movement than anyone else in the history of ever. STEP ASIDE, Gloria Steinem.

Miss Piggy life lesson: Haters gonna hate.


Honorable mention goes to:
-Scooter, for teaching me about the dangers of nepotism.
-Rowlf, for teaching me that Muppets can also be terrifying.
-Gonzo, for giving my classmates a character to compare me to. It's the nose.

Wanted: Someone else to receive my texts

Just call me Christopher McCandless, because I'm off the grid. And by that, I mean that I deactivated my Facebook for a week. If I knew how to deactivate my Twitter account without losing it, I would have.

Or I could have just deleted my Twitter account, but my handle is pretty awesome and I have a picture of a cat on there that I don't want to lose. But DON'T WORRY, everyone. I'm back on the old social medias. I'm back.

Anyway. I should probably get to the point of this blog post.

And here is it: My boyfriend grows weary of my constant text updates. I have an unfortunate desire to share every single thought that crosses my old mind grapes. I believe it has begun to take it's toll on his psyche. So for the past week, I decided that instead of sending every thought to him, I would write them all down so that EVERYONE can enjoy.

And hopefully somebody sees these texts and says to themselves, "SAY, I sure would like a tri-daily thought from Hannah. She has all the right ideas." And then I can stop writing these down like a damn fool.

Texts from the cutting-room floor
(full disclosure - I couldn't resist sending some of these out. That's how pathetic I am.)

1.  I could not stop bringing up the Chernobyl disaster at my haircut today. She seemed... uninterested.
2.  Lately I've been feeling like Fred Armisen may be stalking me. Like he has figured out my TV consumption and he is planning his career choices around it.
3.  All I'm saying is, you never see Nicki Minaj and Lil' Kim in the same room together. Maybe this feud is just a cover. Maybe they are one and the same.
4. Matthew Broderick has not aged well.
5. I just found out that the song Simply the Best exists outside of the Hollywood Casino commercials. How have I lived my life without knowing...

6. I think I'll take up tap dancing.
7. I think I'll take up pottery.
8. I think I'll take up sign language.
9. Justin Timberlake has done EVERYTHING right. And I mean that in absolute seriousness. The Love Guru may have been a misstep.
10. Watching Signs at night when I'm by myself:

11. When Mark Williams was playing Horace in 101 Dalmations, do you think he said to himself, "One day I'll be a part of the largest movie franchise in the history of movies!" Then do you think he turned to Hugh Laurie and said, "And everyone will think you're American because you'll play one in a T.V. show about a Vicodin-addicted diagnostician!"
Follow up text: Cruella De Vil. Cruel Devil. I JUST FIGURED IT OUT.
13. Best Alan Rickman movie of all time: Galaxy Quest. Agree or disagree?
14. This is what my life has become: My grocery cart has antibacterial ointment for my boil and Starburst jelly beans. End of list.
15. I would like to take a poll. What should I name my boil? Your choices are:

Boil McPoyle (In reference to It's Always Sunny in Philadephia)
Boil O'doyle (In honor of Billy Madison)
Tin foil McBoil
Loyal Boil
Susan Boil

And that's it, everybody. Those are the type of texts you can expect to receive if you request to be a go-to text receiver. All I'm saying it, think about it. I'll try to stop texting about my boil. Try.

Over and out,

Chris.

First annual Downton Abbey Drinking Game

Well everyone, the end is nigh. We're in the final episodes of Downton Abbey season 3. In fact, tonight might be the season finale. Or it might not. I'm far too busy to open up another tab and check.

The thing is, I watched the whole season while it was coming out in Britain, so I saw these episodes a while ago, and they're starting to blend together. As a result, I've given away a few spoilers to unsuspecting friends. ACCIDENTALLY. And you do not want to be on the wrong side of a Downton-viewer scorned.

**Side bar: Has a cutesy name REALLY not been invented for Downton Abbey viewers? Something like Clay Aiken's "Claymates" or Jimmy Buffett's "Parrot-heads?" Uh, hi. I'm definitely going to think of a good one. And I will announce it at the end of this post, when I've had time to ponder.**

So. I've decided to forgo the post that I was planning on writing about Downton Abbey because I'm afraid I'll give things away. Instead, I've come up with something that I think truly encompasses the style and grace of the Downton Abbey series. A post that could be utilized for any episode, and wouldn't contain spoilers. A post I like to call:

THE 1st ANNUAL DOWNTON ABBEY DRINKING GAME

Because nobody appreciates a good drink like those crazy Crawleys. Remember that time that Mary drank a bottle of wine and then stabbed Mr. Bates in the back with a knife that had Mrs. Patmore's fingerprints ALL OVER IT?

Guys that didn't happen. I promise I won't give anything away about the remaining episodes. In fact, this game probably won't give anything away since it's going to be a lot of blanket statements followed by GIFs that I've been collecting for a week or so. And with that in mind, lets get started.

**WARNING: You should be caught up to season 3 episode 6 to continue reading this post**

Rule 1. Take a sip of your drink every time Maggie Smith says something so devilishly sassy that you laugh out loud.

 

Rule 2. Finish that same drink when 5 seconds later she does something so heartwrenchingly adorable that you start sobbing into the nearest pillow.

Rule 3. Drink when Thomas and O'Brien start scheming

Rule 4. Let a few tears fall into your glass when it ends up blowing up in Thomas's face, and you feel so bad for him that your heart is breaking into a million pieces. 

Rule 5. Let out a girly squeal and take a sip of your sherry when Branson is adorable with his baby. 

 Rule 6. Take a sip for every magnificent piece of advice/admonishment from Ms. Patmore.

Other choice quotes include:
- “Daisy, I said you could go for a drink of water, not a trip up the Nile”
- “Judas was only trying to help, when he brought the Roman soldiers to the garden”
- “Oh dear, have you swallowed a dictionary?”
- “Anyone who has use of their limbs can make a salmon mousse”
- “Of course she married beneath her. And who are you, the Habsburg Archduke?”

Rule 7. Ditto for Ms. O'Brien. 

- "Get back in the knife box, Miss Sharp."

Alfred: They're showing a film tonight in the village hall. "Way Down East". It's about a wronged woman who survives in the wilderness through her own wits and courage. 
O'Brien: Blimey! They've stolen my life story! 

Rule 8. In fact, drink for every British phrase that you don't understand, but desperately want to start using. 

Rule 9. Every time they have tea, you have tea. But yours is a Long Island Iced Tea. 

I feel like tea is just what you do in this family. Meeting someone for the first time? Tea. Need to bring up a touchy subject? Tea. Trying to force a woman out of your family for fear that she'll get the family fortune and you'll be left with nothing? Tea.

Now, a year ago I was in London for three whole days and nobody offered me tea. I have to assume that I blended in so well that there was no need for the tea ice-breaker. I was basically a native. Except for the laptop that I had to carry with me everywhere and the large amount of time I spent posing for a photo in a phone booth, only to be told it is often used as a toilet for homeless men. 

YOU'RE WELCOME, London. 

Rule 10. Remember this guy? Pour some out for the writer that came up with the idea for this subplot and probably got fired because it was so bad. 

Rule 11. Finish your drink if it took you half a season or more to realize that Cora is American. 

Only when the writers spelled it out for me did I realize...



And here we are at the end. I hope you're all good and drunk. Drunk enough to enjoy the names I came up with for avid Downton Abbey watchers:

- Downtonians
- The Downton Fabbys
- The Downton Fattys
- Downton Divas
- Ground-ton Abbey (Dibs on this name for the Downton Abbey-themed coffee shop I plan to open one day)
- Dabbeys

So enjoy this episode, ladies and gentlemen. And may I leave you with:

Jim Carter sometimes looks remarkably like Eugene Levy. That is all.

Also this.