Resolutions that I can absolutely keep

I've been real lazy on the blog front, lately. In my defense, The West Wing and Dr. Who just came on Netflix and I also decided to give Big Bang Theory another chance.

My assessment of Big Bang Theory the second time around? I feel the same way about it that I felt about Lost. I get why people like it, I'll watch it if it's on. But if you corner me at a social occasion and try to get me to discuss it with you I will pretend like I have no idea what you're talking about. I will lie to your face and say I don't watch the show.

Then I'll steer the conversation toward that one time I had food poisoning but I needed to get home so I bathroom-hopped from restaurant to restaurant, offering no explanation to the hostess or the people in the bathroom with me.

And nobody wants that. Especially not that stranger who was forced to listen to that story in a grocery store one time. It started cute and ended with this face:

All this to say - I've been busy, dude. I did actually do real things, like spend a week in Mexico building cisterns. But that was less funny and more eye-opening and amazing. And I like to keep things superficial.

So instead, I'd like to talk about something near and dear to my heart: cheating on New Year's resolutions. I'm tired of picking resolutions and then failing at them. So this year, I'm opting to choose only resolutions that I have either already halfway finished or things I'm probably going to do this year anyway.

I wouldn't want to strain anything.

Resolutions I can absolutely keep this year:

1. Accumulate more Muppet movies
I recently realized that it has been years since I watched Muppet Treasure Island and it is making me sick to my stomach.

Also, the other day I was grocery shopping at Meijer and I spotted Muppets in Space from across the room. I dropped the off-brand toilet paper I was holding and abandoned my cart to go get it. 

I have an emptiness in my soul that can only be filled with the complete collection of The Muppets. And if anyone was wondering, it turns out that if you memorize the song "Moving Right Along" when you're 7, then you will not have forgotten it by the time you're 22. 

2. Keep making purchases based on the most inconsequential aspect of the product. 
I'm a simple girl with simple tastes. I don't often spend a lot of money. But when I do spend money, it's because of a feature that no one else cares about. The other day I came across the Blu-ray disc of Girls season 1.

 

This conversation went through my head while I blocked the entire TV on DVD aisle at Best Buy:

"Girls, huh? That was a good show. I wouldn't mind owning it. Ugh, but $40? No... I don't need it. Hm. I wonder how Brian Williams feels about his daughter being on that show? Probably he feels poorly about it. One would assume. She's the worst. No. I won't get it. I won't. I don't need it. I'll just...

...Wait. HOLD ON. 30 SECONDS OF BEHIND-THE-SCENES BLOOPERS?!!? PUT IT ON MY CARD, PLEASE."

3. Become a wedding planner for people who aren't taking their weddings very seriously

No one believes me, but planning a wedding sounds like my own kind of personal hell. When I say that to people, there's always someone who smiles all knowingly at me and says something like, "but you KNOW you've been planning your dream wedding since you were a little girl!"

And then I throw them the old Tommy Lee Jones loving stare. 

Except last night I came up with the most brilliant of brilliant ideas for a wedding.
Except it's possibly not that great and I just have terrible personal style.
I'm leaning towards the second option. 
I call it, THE LEGO BOWL.

So here's what you do: In the middle of each table at the reception, you put a bowl of Legos instead of a centerpiece. Or do a centerpiece too, I'm not picky. I'm a very laissez-faire wedding planner. Then give each table the instructions on what they have to build. And make it something awesome, like the Lord of the Rings Lego set, or a Harry Potter Lego set.

And the table can't clink their glasses and request a kiss from the bride and groom until the set is built. So it bonds the table AND the happy couple gets some sweet Lego sets out of it. Win, win.

4. Find someone who sells Girl Scout Cookies

One resolution down already. My laziness knows no bounds. 

This has been a resolution for the majority of my life. And a co-worker just announced that her daughter was selling cookies. And that, my friends, is reason enough to join the workforce. 

Although I did just find out that the Keebler Elves have come up with some sort of Samoas knock-off. This may change everything.

Somebody let me know if these bad boys are worth my time.

5. Give sushi another try.

God sushi just seems SO COOL.

There has been more than one occasion when I'm left at home sobbing into my cup o' noodle because my friends all went out for a sushi night. It's just... it's a lifestyle. People get really into sushi and they make it a lifestyle. And I want in. 

This is a perpetual New Years resolution. I assume it will go on forever. I can think of several foods that I try every year in hopes that I will miraculously have grown up and started liking grown-up foods. This list includes:

-mushrooms
-greek yogurt
-sushi
-salmon
-most crumbly cheeses. Let's stop putting on airs here - most cheeses in general
-red wine
-broccoli
-refried beans

I'm ever hopeful that I will learn to love these foods ever since The Great Avocado Discovery of 2010. Also the Butternut Squash Reconsideration of 2008.

6. Accumulate more GIFs of Tina Belcher

I have now been told by three different people that I remind them of Tina. These GIFs should give some indication of why that's not exactly a compliment. But it's also not exactly wrong.

Guys... just go watch Bob's Burgers.

Things I don't want to follow us into 2013

First and firstmost, thanks to everyone who took the poll. I learned two things: One, that the people who read my blog do not like stringing cranberries OR popcorn. Noted. Two, I was right. You string cranberries AND popcorn. A-thank you very much.

And now, let me be the first person to say: Merry Christmas. I assume you all spoke to no one before checking my blog and are therefore tickled pink that I thought of you on this special day.

You're welcome. Your Christmas card is on its way.

But I don't want to talk about Christmas today. Today, as we near the end of 2012, I'd like to take a moment to reflect.

Reflection over. It's time to move on to 2013. And I think 2013 has the makings of a fantastic year, as long as we leave behind some of the worst parts of 2012. With that in mind, I'd like to present:

Things I don't want to follow us into 2013

1. "That awkward moment when..."

I don't know where this trend came from, but it had a good run. The kind of run that seems endless. Like trying to run the mile in junior high when you're just a pimply french horn player with a history of lung illness.

Hypothetically.

The phrase is supposed to be used like this:

But it has been warped and twisted to be something that people say when they want to talk about something cute or funny they did earlier in the day. Something very Zooey Deschanel-esque.

Examples include:

- That awkward moment where I realized I'm wearing one plaid sock and one polka dot. #oops #lol #SoFetch

-That awkward moment when my fantasy football team (The Ray-Ban Bandits) beats everyone else's team by a LOT. #SorryImNotSorry

-That awkward moment when I go to pick up my ukulele so I can sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" at this underground bar called "Blank" and my thick-framed glasses fall into my PBR, causing me to drop the "I heart mustaches and bacon" sign I was holding.

Sit down, girl. You haven't even begun to know awkward.

Awkward is when you've doped yourself up on so much Dayquil that you open the door wrapped in a rainbow blanket. And standing there in the doorway are 4 middle aged men who had called the day before to remind you that they needed to check out your furnace. But you forgot. So you let them in. You've already set up your nest of blankets and used tissues on the living room and you don't want to seem rude by pulling everything into your room. So you sit there, still in your blanket, and eat ice cream super slowly while the middle aged men take down the American flag you use to hide the furnace door.

Again, hypothetically.

What I'm trying to say is, 'That awkward moment' had its time in the sun. And now it's time to let it go. Along with...

2. The use of the word "epic."

I don't like to complain about this one because I get it. It's a fun phrase. It makes things seems cooler than they actually are. But for the love of all that is holy, I would really like to see it die out with the year 2012.

And while we're at it, let's also get rid of "totes" and "winning." In fact, anything that was ever uttered by Charlie Sheen should be out.

Charlie Sheen should be out.

Somebody tell Charlie Sheen he's out. 

3. The mustache obsession

Let me be clear. I love mustaches. Real mustaches. If I were a guy, I know I would have facial hair of some kind. Actually, if my brother is any indication, I probably wouldn't. HEYOOO. Sorry John.

I'm not talking about real mustaches. I'm talking about the plastic ones that are in every store and are always handlebar for some reason. Every night before I go to bed I pray to the God of Urban Outfitters that he release us from this cycle of mustache worship.

**side note: if anyone got me a mustache-related present for Christmas, I was just kidding about this post! Thanks so much for the gift!**

Boys, grow your mustaches long and bushy every November if you want to. Grow a different mustache every month of the year. I love a good mustache.

But maybe in 2013 we can keep mustaches away from my baubles and trinkets.

4. The bacon obsession

Same thing, different noun. I love bacon. Real bacon. Anyone who has ever gone with me to Wando's in Madison, WI has seen me inhale a tray of free bacon that came with my $1 Miller Lite. Sigh... it's a wonderful city.

But we have hit the point of bacon saturation. Sorry, but 2013 cannot fit any more bacon keychains, bacon t-shirts, or bacon-scented nail polish.

5. The obsession with Lana Del Rey

I can't go into this, because I can barely understand it. But I will say that British GQ named her "Woman of the Year." And really, hadn't she earned it? I can't think of any woman who has done more to deserve the title. STEP ASIDE, Michelle and Hillary. In the last year, Lana has had a nude magazine cover and arguably the worst musical performance in SNL history. So, yeah. You could say she's earned it.

6. "Dear ___ 
     Blah Blah Blah. 
      Love, ____"

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

It's fun to write imaginary letters to an imaginary person so that you can get your complaint out quickly and succinctly and then post it as your Facebook status. Examples:

Dear Michigan,
It sure would be great if you could stop raining and start snowing.
Love, Hannah.

Dear TNT,
I would appreciate if you would start playing A Christmas Story earlier than Christmas Eve. Because lets be real, I'm gonna watch that bad boy about 50 times.
Love, Hannah.

Dear Time Warner Cable,
FIX MY HD CHANNELS SO THAT I CAN WATCH AMISH MAFIA WITH THE CRISP PICTURE THAT I DESERVE.
Love, Hannah.

Again, I get it. I've done it. But I think it's time to let it go. Let it be 2012's problem. 2013 should get it's own way to complain about inane things. OHH! What if we bring back Carnac the Magnificent from the Johnny Carson show? One person makes their Facebook status a list of stuff and their friends have to guess the answer.

Student loans, global warming, and this blister on my foot.

Things that are bumming me out right now!

Guys. It's happening. GUYS WE'RE DOING THIS. 

Holiday GIF guide

Tis the season, everyone. My tree is decorated, I strung a bunch of popcorn and cranberries, and the holiday GIFs are ripe for the plucking.

Stop. Pause. Before I go on, I would like to take a poll. A stirring argument occurred in my apartment a few days ago, and I INSIST that I am proven right. So, please look to your right. Not directly to your right, dummy. Look to the right of this post.

Please take a moment to read this question about popcorn and cranberry stringing, and let me know your answer. I don't want to say what my opinion is, in case it sways people's answers. But just remember that if you answer wrong I will use my powers of deduction and an elaborate algorithm I will pick one of you at random and give you the old "virtual stink-eye." That's when I glare at my computer like this for hours while I say your name silently in my head:

So... yeah. Take the poll.

Anyway, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself? Oh! Holiday GIF guide! As many people know, I love a good GIF. However, I try not to let this blog become one of those Tumblrs that posts one GIF per day and then puts a little description sentence before each one. Examples of this can be seen here and here.

Do I love these sites? Yes, yes I do. But they are everywhere and I don't think I need to pile on.

EXCEPT FOR RIGHT NOW! Allow me to introduce the first annual HOLIDAY GIF GUIDE!!!!!

Lets begin!

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Thanksgiving Dinner:

 

The next day:

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Grabbing the last box of Frango Mints at Macy's

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When one burned out bulb causes a wholes strand to go out.

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Finding out that the movie Home Alone is 22 years old.

 

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Getting roped into making 3 dozen Christmas cookies

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Getting hit on at the bar by three guys dressed in red footie pjs and Santa hats.

Just replace "she" with "they"

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Realizing that the free cocktails at the holiday Christmas party have loosened your tongue a bit more than you'd hoped:

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Meeting one new person after another at your significant other's Holiday party:

And then when they ask who you know there:

 

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Trying to keep it together when I'm in the car and Josh Groban's "I'll Be Home For Christmas" comes on the radio. The one with the soldiers saying Merry Christmas to their families back home.

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Watching a sibling get roped into an hour-long Christmas phone call while you slip silently out of the room

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Going home to my parent's house for Christmas and discovering a table full of cookies and chocolate

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Did I forget anyone's favorite Christmas movies? I tried to include a lot of them. But I still feel like I'm missing some.


I almost forgot! Credit for the idea of a holiday GIF guide goes to my friend Ben. Have you ever wondered who designed this dishtowel for Crate & Barrel? Or this plate? He is a brilliant designer and illustrator and you should go to his website right HERE

Thoughts that couldn't be salvaged into a full post

Guys, my brain goes in a lot of different directions sometimes. To reign it in, I write things down so that I don't end up spewing nonsense ideas at random people I walk past on the street. Ideas like, "DO YOU EVER WONDER IF MERYL STREEP HAD A HAUNTED PAST BECAUSE SOMETIMES I LOOK INTO HER EYES AND I WONDER WHAT THAT WOMAN HAS GONE THROUGH."

I often write these ideas down and then forget why I wrote them down. So I look back at little scraps of paper that say things like "muffins are nothing but a lie."

Since these ideas aren't long enough or clever enough for their own post, I'm just going to cram a bunch of them into one post and hope that quantity counts more than quality. Here we go.

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When I was a young lass, I watched a lot of Who's Line is it Anyway. But since they were on so late, I ended up watching them off of recorded VHS because yeah, I'm old enough to know what that is. The end result? I've probably only watched 20 episodes of Who's Line is it Anyway. But I've watched them each about 9,000 times.

FLASH FORWARD!! I'm in third grade. And we're choosing celebrities to write fan mail to. I don't remember why we did this. But we did. And I was like, "Awww, yeah I'm gonna write to that guy from Who's Line!" I was thinking of Colin Mochrie.

This glorious, Canadian man:

But my 9-year-old brain couldn't remember his name. The only name I could remember was Drew Carey, the host. So I just decided to write my celebrity fan letter to him.

Since we didn't have those fancy pants smart phones back then, my teacher had to look up the celebrity's mailing addresses for us. So I walked up to my teacher's desk and told her that I needed the address for Drew Carey. And she, either having misheard me or not knowing who Drew Carey was, gave me the address to someone else entirely. But I didn't realize that. And I sent my letter anyway.

And so it was that one week later I got a signed photo back from this man:

No, this is not my photo. Yes, mine looked EXACTLY like it.

Jim Carrey. The most embarrassing thing is that I still put Drew Carey's name on the envelope, and I filled 3 pages on how much I loved Who's Line. Sorry Jim Carrey. Hope my letter didn't hurt your ego too much.

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Why do I need to find 4 new friends in Ann Arbor? Because I have a dream. And that dream is that for Halloween 2013 I will be able to create an all-female version of One Direction.

Hear me out!

Everyone would have to dedicate themselves completely. Wigs that are styled into douchey flipped haircuts would be worn, along with fedoras and suspenders. And we'd have to spend the entire night playfully punching each other on the shoulder and hanging on each other while we smile at an invisible camera in the distance.

God it would be so awesome. And theres nothing sad about a bunch of 20-something women dressed like 18 year old boys.

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Actresses I think would be genuinely nice people in real life (in no particular order):

1) Allison Janning

Allison Janney is first on this list. I know everyone probably expected Meryl Streep. WELL CALM DOWN, GUYS. I HAVE OTHER CELEBRITY OBSESSIONS SO JUST BACK OFF. 

Anywho, Allison. I freakin love this lady.

She is always so accessible in all her characters, including the mom from Juno and the lovely CJ Cregg in The West Wing. I think it's because she's a nice midwestern lady. Born in Dayton, Ohio. She's about the only actress in Drop Dead Gorgeous with a believable accent. 

Did anyone else think for like 2 seconds that Madame Maxine was Allison Janney in Harry Potter 4?

It isn't. But a girl can dream, right?

2) Maggie Smith

I've discussed my love for Dame Maggie Smith. That love still stands.

3) Meryl Streep

We all know that I spend large amounts of time googling Meryl. So here you are. Two women who need no last name. Meryl and Hillary:

4) Lena Dunham

Lena Dunham has the life I desire and I just want to sit down and talk to her about it.

5) Shirley McClaine

Love of my life.

6) Mary Steenburgen

She is playing the same type of characters that she played 28 years ago in What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

She ages like a fine wine.

7) Kristin Wiig

Everyone should listen to Alec Baldwin's podcast Here's The Thing where he interviews Kristin Wiig. She admits that she had no idea what she was going to do with her life for about 30 years. I like that.

8) Megan Mullaley

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The next time I meet someone from New Zealand the first sentence I say is going to be: "Hello. I see you're from New Zealand. I am now going to wait as long as I possibly can before I mention Lord of the Ri- SO HAVE YOU EVER MET FRODO?!?"

So okay. After I wrote that sentence my first thought was, "What if the next person I meet from New Zealand is Zoboomafoo?"

And then I was like "Oh, silly me. He's from Madagascar, not New Zealand."

Notice that my first thought was not, "Oh wait Zoboomafoo is a fictional lemur-puppet from a 1990's PBS kids show. I won't be meeting him. And I certainly won't be holding out a conversation with him."

No. My first thought: "DUH, Hannah. Wrong giant island located in the Southeastern quadrant of the world. Otherwise you two could totally have a gabfest about how awesome the Ents are."

"Nobody cares for the woods anymore..."

I think I'm going to go re-read The Hobbit before the movie comes out.

.... and also I made Lembas bread. 

It wasn't good. 

Worst things I've seen on Pinterest

Before I get to this post I just want to take a moment to talk to all the guys reading this. Ladies, you can stop reading now and just pick it up in a couple of paragraphs. Do something ladylike with your time. Perhaps organize your tampons by level of absorbency.

Fellas, you still there? Excellent.

Bros, it's your ladybro here. I know I'm your favorite blogger. And as you can tell, I know what you like to read. In the last 5 posts I've mentioned not only Steel Magnolias, but also gender stereotyping in the automobile industry AND several Maggie Smith references.

Hello, Margaret

And today is no different. Today I bring you a post on something I know men are totally into: Pinterest. Yes, yes. I can feel the heat of your faces as you inch closer to the computer screen. But don't get too excited. I'm not going to talk about how awesome Pinterest is. Mostly because I don't think it's that awesome. I get it. It's like God's gift to being organized or something.

I think I'm just not doing it right. Because I can see, objectively, that it is a pretty sweet tool for organizing thoughts, ideas, and most importantly, food. But I'm still only checking on it every month or so. To pin some recipe for 3-foot-long Kit Kat bars. 

But I think everyone, even the most avid Pinterest user, has to admit that there is some stupid crap on Pinterest. 

AND ON THAT NOTE....

Some of the stupidest crap I've ever seen on Pinterest

1) Stuff that serves no purpose. To anyone.

Why. Why would I do this? Just because it's a thing you can do and I suppose it's technically a craft. But what am I doing with large amounts of colorful ice balls? WHAT. AM. I. DOING. WITH. THEM. Because it looks like the most creative thing you could think of is put them in a slightly uneven line that runs along your driveway. 

Pfft. This DIY project got no class. Looking like a line of unicorn turds. 

2) Stuff that seems kinda cute but then you think about it, and it's actually pretty useless, too. 

I see. Hooked. Hooked like on a fishing line. And worms. Leads to gummi worms. Leads to a glass bucket full of gummi worms with the words "hooked on you." Because... that's a thing I guess. I just don't know who I would give this to. I believe it's meant to be given to a significant other. But here's what I'm imagining:

Girlfriend: Hey boyfriend, I made you something for Valentines day!

Boyfriend: Aw, girlfriend. That was nice of you. Here, I bought you a scarf since it's so chilly, tee hee!

Girlfriend: Giggle giggle! It's so nice! Here, I made you a clear jar full of gummi worms that says "hooked on you." Hope you like it!!

Boyfriend: Oh.....kayyyyyy.

I'm not saying I don't appreciate a good gummi worm. But there is a time and a place. Also, aren't cans the traditional worm holder, not buckets? The expression is "opening up a can of worms" correct? I'm not trying to be difficult and split hairs here. But I'm totally right and I refuse to hear otherwise. 

It's like that old adage says,  

"Just because it can be made, doesn't mean it should be made and then put on Pinterest for a bunch of people to put on their DIY board and then never look at again. Because like, when am I going to make this REALLY. And who am I giving it to? No one, right? Right."

                                                                                -Ben Franklin

Did you know that Benjamin Franklin was really into Pinterest? He had a whole pinboard of key & kite themed foyer decorations. 

What am I talking about? How did we get here? The point is, go watch the movie 1776 because Ben Franklin is awesome in it. Plus a young Mr. Feeny plays John Adams and it's magnificent. 

"Salt Peter! JOHHHHNNNN"

No, wait. The real point is, Pinterest is full of things that seem awesome but are actually just tricking you and they will sit on your pinboard forever. 

3) Stuff that borders on eating disorder encouragement. 

I'm NOT talking about those inspirational running images that are like "The first step is the hardest!" and "It's about being healthy, not skinny!" Or just photos that lead to links of exercise routines. That's fine. Whatevs whatevs. Be healthy and such. 

I'm talking about photos like these:

Remember: Girls who wear clothes live longer than girls who take semi-nude MySpace photos in abandoned lots.

Oh ho ho my strong-jawed friend, you are dead wrong. I know a lot of foods that are absolutely worth it. Right now, for example, I am eating fistfulls of Veggie Straws straight from the bag and I'm eyeing that Klondike Bar in the freezer. This is happiness. It's deep and it's real. 

If you felt a pause just there, it was me getting up to get that Klondike bar.

I don't want to get preachy about body image issues among women on Pinterest because... this is not the time or place. I will simply put up this Norman Rockwell image.

YEAH. Think about THAT, creators of "Thinspiration."

Ugh, that name. Thinspiration. Like someone saying,"I need some thinspiration." 

I just... buhhhggggghhhhh Ican'tgetintothis... MOVING ON. 

However! If you would like to hear a rambling, poorly thought-out speech about the lack of female empowerment in The Walking Dead... then just wait a week because I can't keep this in much longer.

4) Stuff that is pretty much garbage

I'm not trying to be mean here, but girlfriend sewed Ziplocs into her purse. And now she's using it to store wet wipes and what appears to be single-serve Aspirin. 

I imagine that whoever came up with this idea showed it to her friends and her friends said "OMG iT's 2 cUte! Can you make me one? I want to pre-order 500 of them before you get Kenneth Cole to mass produce them and the price goes WAY up!" 

And then the friend turn around and trash talks the purse, Regina George-style. 

But it's too late. The damage is done. And the poor purse creator has already posted it to Pinterest. Where some snotty 22-year-old will find it and rip it apart on her blog.

Sigh.. the circle of life.