"So how's the job search coming?"

Here's the scene that goes through my mind whenever someone asks me that question:

Ah, Charlie Kelly. You speak to my soul. Not for the first time, and certainly not the last.

I'm at that awkward time in my life where I'm graduated from college but I have no marketable skills and no company wants to waste their time and money educating me in the ways of the real world.

Basically what every interviewer has said to me: "Do you have 5-10 years of experience in anything? No? Well it looks like it's unpaid internships for the rest of your life, then. Carry on."

God I hate unpaid internships. But I don't want to rant, lets move on. Lets not make this about unpaid internships. Which are terrible. And benefit the affluent who don't need any more benefits. I SAID MOVING ON.

Here's the thing. Lately, when I get back together with my friends, two questions are immediately asked:

1) How's the job search coming?
2) How is (insert name of significant other) doing?


And I'm not saying that I'm blameless here. I'm pretty much the biggest perpetrator. I ask these questions like they're going out of style. At grad parties, it feel like it's what I'm meant to say. I am a robot programmed to ask innocuous questions. I think that's why people drink at these things. In the hopes that they may become relaxed enough to ask more sincere questions.

But the thing is, if I had found a job, everyone would know about it. I would be spreading that news like wildfire. I'm not trying to be modest over here. So if I don't immediately break out in a squeal that I've found my true calling in life, it's probably safe to assume that I haven't. And that asking me will send me into a shame spiral.

I'm pretty sure that almost none of my friends have jobs figured out. We're all just... hanging out. In fact, I don't trust people that have it all together. This is my general reaction to someone who says they start work in June and it's their dream job:

Followed closely by:

As for the second question, it amazes me how often I ask people about their significant others before I ask them about themselves. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's my WASPy blood that keeps me from asking directly personal questions about another person.

This is almost every conversation with someone I haven't seen in a while:

Me: Oh heeeeeeey *awkward hug, butts out* Wow! I haven't seen you in forever!
Anastasia Beaverhausen: Yeah! It's been way too long!
Me: Yeah. *panic. out of things to say* So how's Mr. Beaverhausen?

At some point I want to have a conversation that goes like this:

Art Vandelay: Hey Hannah! Long time, no see! How's that boyfriend of yours?
Me: Why do you ask? IS MY LIFE NOT INTERESTING ENOUGH FOR YOU?! *run away sobbing*


It would, of course, have to be a friend that I would be okay with never speaking to again.




So I say, lets get past these two questions because in 10-20 years we're just going to have to move on to the next set:

1) How's work?
2) How are (names of various children) doing?