What I can and cannot afford right now

Two things.

1) I got a job! A real one this time! Yes, I guess the last one was real. But when I realized they were attempting to pay me $250 for 50 hour weeks I was all, "LATA SUCKAH." Actually, because I'm terrified of confrontation I was more like "Uhm excuse me, my HR amigos. Would you mind please removing me from your list of employees because I just don't see this working out. Hope we can still be friends. Call me!"

And even that conversation required hours of pep talks from my roommates. Did I role play the conversation right before calling? Obviously.

This is me trying to "break up" with the people that hired me. Except it's Liz Lemon. Breaking up with the co-op board.

2) I've been exploring Tumblr because it's an awesome blogging tool and I'm considering making the switch. The problem is that cool, original layouts cost $39 and I can't afford it right now. Yeah. I can't afford THAT right now. Last night I had a dream that I got a manicure and when I woke up I thought, "Oh okay. I'll save for a couple months so I can afford that luxury."

Then I wept bitterly.

I need to start this job.

Other basic, human things that I've wanted to buy recently but can't afford include:

1) A knife block
2) Towels that I haven't been using for the last four years
3) The DVD Baby Mama

4) Brand name sponges

Scotch-Brite? What is this, Buckingham Palace?

Things that I didn't need but I spent the money on anyway include:

1) The biggest bag of veggie straws I've ever seen. But it was only $5 and it fed me for DAYS.
2) A ridiculously expensive iced coffee from this hipster-nonsense cafe. The barista had pierced dimples and she judged me into it. There were only 6 items on the menu. And they were all "infused" and "hand dripped" or whatever. HIPSTER NONSENSE.
3) A gas station XL t-shirt that had a wolf on it. The Megabus was freezing and I was wearing shorts. The shirt was my blanket and everyone thought I was weird.
4) Many, many pretzel rolls.

What do post grads want? Hell if I know.

So I just graduated from college. And it's weird. And I'm sitting at this coffee shop eating an orange chocolate chip scone. Pretending like nothing is different. Trying to figure out what I want, what everyone my age seems to want. It could be a fulfilling job or a partner to spend time with. A new kitten or acceptance into grad school.

After some reflection and a second scone, I have come up with a run-down of things I want to happen right now. Some of them are about big life changes, some of them are about food. Unsurprisingly.

I can only hope that there are other 20-somethings out there wanting similar things.

So. What do I want?

1) I want to wake up and suddenly like red wine. I feel like it would make me seem much older. A nice Chianti with my steak, perhaps.

*side note* I had to look up Chianti and make sure that it is, in fact, a red wine.

2) To be able to "up vote" and "down vote" comments on Facebook according to how funny or relevant to the post they are.

3) To be an extra in The Hobbit. (Yes, I know they're already filmed).

4) To be handed some sort of schedule for the next year of my life. A course guide, or maybe a list of professors I can look up. Then I'll complain to my roommates that, man... this is just going to be the worst semester ever. 

5) I want McDonalds to serve McFlurries made with chocolate ice cream. I'd also like McDonalds to permanently discontinue the Shamrock Shake. I don't understand the appeal of eating 10 oz of toothpaste.

6) I want the boxelder bugs that infested my house to suffer. Some of those bugs survived on my car after 7 hours of highway driving. And a car wash.

7) I want to be able to afford furniture that doesn't come from Ikea. Except for my precious LACK side tables. Those things rock my socks.

8) To stop being so unbearably susceptible to every illness that crosses my path. My immune system could take lessons from premature babies.

9) To create a video of me in all my Wisconsin Badger gear, running around the University of Michigan on game day.

10) I want future Hannah to follow me around so that every time I make a big decision she can assure me that I'll never regret it. Much like Katy Perry did in that music video.

There is nothing NOT hilarious about old Katy Perry singing to young Katy Perry.

11) I want to have a reason to post a Facebook status that is so exciting and awesome that I get 100+ likes. Examples include: Getting a dream job, getting accepted to medical school, winning the Nobel Peace Prize, etc.

12) I want reason to travel for my job. I'll be all, "Well I'm off to Italy to go crunch those numbers. Synergy! Job growth! Carbon footprint!"

13) I want to go do something to help humanity. Like teach deaf Haitian children how to use sign language.

14) I want this Lego set.

15) Finally, and most importantly, I want a new season of Girls to come out so that I can see my problems reflected in their 22-year-old self-absorption. And continue to pity myself for all these non-problems. Because that, really, is all I want.

Why I can't stay mad at Nicholas Cage

But first, an update.

JOB ACQUIRED.

Q: Is it your dream job? Are you in your dream city? Is it everything you wanted and more and is everything somehow magically falling into place for you at the age of 22?
A: No.

Q: Oh. Well is it a job then?
A: Yes!

Q: Well good for you then.
A: Thank you. Even though that wasn't a question.

And that's just about all the updates I have on that. I'll be moving to Ann Arbor, which is good and bad. Good because it's a very pretty city with lots of trees and young people and fun things. Bad because it's home to the University of Michigan Wolverines - the sworn enemy of the Galactic Alliance!

Yes, that was a Toy Story reference.

BuzzLightyear and I both agree,  Michigan fans are the worst. And their colors are terrible.


But on to more pressing matters: My feelings towards Nicholas Cage.

I have a special place in my heart for Nicholas Cage. Most people are surprised by that fact, mostly because I have a lot of irrational hatred towards a lot of actors. And Nicholas Cage is pretty widely disliked. And yet... I can't seem to quit him.

My main reasons for this:
1) He is consistently made fun of, but he takes it in stride.
2) National Treasure
3) Raising Arizona
4) Nick Cage cats

I love National Treasure and Raising Arizona for two very different reasons. Raising Arizona is actually a great movie and you should go to your nearest Netflix and watch it right now, because it's available on instant play. I bought it on a whim in a three disc set that includes Fargo, Raising Arizona and The Full Monty. Best $10 I ever spent.

National Treasure, on the other hand, is pretty average. Not terrible, I know a lot of people who like it. Just... not great. But for me, it's just one of those movies. If someone ever asks if I want to watch National Treasure, my answer will always be yes.

Someone can be like "Well we could watch this movie that won 3 Oscars and you've never seen it! Want to watch it? Oh and I also have National Treasure."

My reaction?

PUT DAT NATIONAL TREASURE IN THE DVD PLAYER!!!!&!^!**!&!

Also, I love that Nicholas Cage's face is perhaps one of the most widely used celebrity faces on the internet/in real life. A few examples:

I'm going to call this phenomena "Caging." It's a bizarre prank that involves going into someone's cubicle or office while they're out, and putting Nicholas Cage's face on the faces of that person's loved ones. Or perhaps paper their entire cubicle with photos of Nick. Or put photos of him around your apartment to scare your roommates.

When did this start happening? No one knows. But it's hilarious that it's happening to Nicholas Cage. 

Also, http://nickcagecats.tumblr.com/ is an entire Tumblr account dedicated to photoshopping Nick Cage's face onto cat bodies. And that is just.... wonderful. 

And now, to conclude my reasons for loving Nicholas Cage, a photo montage of my favorite Nick Cage face mashups:

Going Veg: Day 17

Well things have been getting REAL on the job front, so I've fallen a little behind on blog post updating.

For example, today at an interview someone asked me what my technical experience with data programming is and I was all,

And then they put a spreadsheet in front of me that was meant to test my Excel knowledge and I was all,

And then once I finished I tried to sneak out of there all,

But they saw me (I probably should have taken off the fake mustache and glasses) and asked me a million more questions.

So... yeah. Busy. Also, I've been watching a lot of How I Met Your Mother. Also, for the last three days I've been listening to a lot of Harry Potter books on tape. Also, my next two post ideas are going to take a lot of research and quite frankly that sounds like a huge helping of no thank you. 


But I will finish them/start them, I swear. For now, lets talk veggies.

I have cheated on this vegetarian excursion three times. Only one time was on purpose.

1. The second day of my vegetarian month, I went to a bar called Johnny O's that offers free mini corn dogs with the purchase of a $2 pitcher. I'm not a strong person and corn dogs are my weakness. They were free and I hadn't eaten all day. And I kind of forgot I wasn't eating meat. Kind of. 

2. Ate a bite of fried chicken before remembering that I was vegetarian, lolz.

3. Ate a bite of chicken fried steak because I've never had it and I wanted to try. So the only time I purposefully ignored my vegetarian promise was to eat meat that's been fried in other meat, covered in a third meat's gravy.

NO REGRETS

Worth it.

The hardest part about going veg has been going out to eat. I like vegetarian dishes, but sometimes there's something else on the menu that I want more.

I'm not saying that the fried green tomatoes I had last night weren't awesome. They were scrumptious. And I never would have tried them if I wasn't vegetarian. But I was at a restaurant that's famous for wood fire barbecue. And I wanted some wood fire barbecue, dang it!

The other hard part is cooking with non-vegetarians. I don't want other people to have to make concessions for me, but oftentimes I end up the diplodocus at the t-rex party.

Essentially what I'm saying is:

Good parts about being vegetarian

-Trying new foods

-Vegetarian options cost less

-Probably healthier

Bad parts about being vegetarian

-Limited options

-Feel like a burden to people cooking

-I'm tired of cooking with tofu

Going Vegetarian!!! (???)

Well everyone, I'm doing it. I'm going vegetarian. For one month. 

Some of you may ask, "But why, Hannah? You love meat. You don't consider a pizza complete until it's covered in some sort of salty meat-type."

And to that I say, you are entirely correct. However, this is something I want to try. I don't really have one concrete reason why I'm doing it. Mostly, I just want to see what happens. 

Some things I will miss more than others. This includes:

1) Bacon

2) Pizza toppings

That, my friends, is a barbecue-chicken-bacon-ranch piece of pizza. It was my last meat-inclusive meal. And it was awesome.

3) Hamburgers
4) Being able to order whatever I want at restaurants
5) Brats

But now is the perfect time for me to try being a vegetarian because Madison is so very vegetarian- friendly. In fact, being vegetarian isn't even a huge accomplishment in Madison. I'm a little embarrassed to brag about it in public because the raw food vegans are probably snickering at me into their soymilk cucumber shakes.

In fact, I'm currently writing this post from a vegan coffee shop. They have about 15 options for vegan baked goods. And the big selling point that they keep stressing: We don't make you pay extra for soy milk!!!

And the vegans come a-running.

Some of my interactions with vegans in Madison remind me of the scene in Notting Hill where Hugh Grant has a blind date with a fruitarian. Check the hilarity out here.

Then again, sometimes I feel like vegetarians/vegans get a bad rep. As in, because you're a vegetarian you must also be pretentious and a bit insufferable.

Because I relate everything through TV, I would like to offer a television example. If you watch the show Bob's Burgers (which you absolutely should) they take a few jabs at vegetarians. Such as:

Louise (Bob's daughter): "It’s not a lie if you tell it to vegetarians. You taught us that!” 

So here I am, toeing the line between vegetarian and meat-eater. Will I end this month a veggie-loving Prius-driving hippie with eyebrow piercings and dreadlocks? Or will I rebel and become a bacon-snarfing gun-toting American flag-decorating pick-up truck aficionado?


Not to fall back on stereotypes or anything. 

Will I get cranky? Will I feel healthier than I ever have? Will I lose weight? Will I gain weight? Will my skin begin to glow with that famous carrot-shine? Is "carrot-shine" a term? 

Tune in to my next posts to find out! Or don't. I'm a blog writer, not a police officer. 

So I'm really into Game of Thrones lately.

**WARNING! POST MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS!!**

Because I'm nothing if not a follower of pop culture trends.

Although I'm not really sure if Game of Thrones is "pop culture." It's more "just under the surface" culture. Where people brag about liking something because it sounds really unknown/hip/meta/"you wouldn't have heard of it"

But actually... a ton of people like it. Just not the grand majority. It's not Rihanna... but it might be Gotye. Mainstream hipster.

Other examples of this phenomena include:

1) People who brag about liking Lord of the Rings or Star Wars  or Star Trek. But they aren't like... REALLY into it. They aren't getting dressed up for them or anything. They haven't learned elvish. They just like the movies and maybe they read a book or two. (This is me).

2) People who complain that PBR got so expensive once everyone started calling it the hipster beer. But they liked it before it was cool. (This is also me).

3) Saying things like, "Oh my god I love this Mumford and Sons song." (Me).

4) Or, "I wish Downton Abbey would fall back into obscurity" (obviously me).

5) Talking about how much you like Calvin and Hobbes. (Yup).

6) Referencing 1984 or On the Road or Kurt Vonnegut novels. (We can just safely assume that all of these refer to me).

7) Getting bangs. (Hi. Me).

8) Wearing thick framed glasses. (yeah...)

Anyway, before I so rudely interrupted myself to start making a startling realization about my personality, I was talking about Game of Thrones.

My reaction when someone turns down ice cream when it's offered

I think the reason that I love Game of Thrones is that it isn't afraid to just kill off a character or completely change the plot. Usually you figure out who the main characters are and you assume they'll succeed in the end and it will be happy. But in Game of Thrones, you never know. Suddenly they could be stampeded by a pack of wild boars. (I don't know if that actually happens, I'm just guessing).

It's the same reason I liked the last Harry Potter book. JK Rowling was killing off main characters like it was her job (which I suppose it was). You were never safe in assuming anything. So everything was a surprise.

However! I would not like to recommend Game of Thrones as fiercely as I recommended Downton Abbey. This is for a couple of reasons.

1) It is on HBO, and therefore impossible to watch unless you pay for HBO. (Maybe Mr. Moneybags  over there can afford HBO. I definitely cannot).
2) Because it's on HBO, it of course includes graphic death scenes and sex scenes. Maybe this is a plus for you, maybe it isn't. But I know some people (mostly my mom) who hated Lord of the Rings as soon as the hobbits left the Shire because the movie got too violent.

For example, in the first season, one dude is killed by another guy pouring molten gold(?) all over his head until it hardens and he hits the ground with a thud. Plus, the director really seems to enjoy filming scenes where horses die. And nothing depresses me more than horse deaths.

ARTAX!!!!!

My only real problem with Game of Thrones is that it keeps being broadcasted as if it has all this girl power. But I aint seeing it. I accept that the show is set in some quasi-medieval time period and women didn't have a lot of power. I'm forced to accept this in pretty much every single movie/TV show that is set in pre-1980s.

But don't go around acting like you're making some stand for women, because you aren't. Arya is not some advocate for women's rights, she's a little girl who pretends to be a boy for a while.

Lady Stark frustrates me more than any other character because she has a huge opportunity to wield her power and does nothing. And Sansa is stupid.

Shut up, Sansa. 

Pretty much every other female character is a prostitute. Maybe the dragon queen will turn out cool. I don't know.

She's got some potential.

I will leave you with this final realization:

DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?! The insufferable King Joffrey is the adorable little kid from Batman Begins! The kid that's like, "Batman you're awesome! I want to be just like you!" Or something like that. I haven't seen the movie in a while.

"So how's the job search coming?"

Here's the scene that goes through my mind whenever someone asks me that question:

Ah, Charlie Kelly. You speak to my soul. Not for the first time, and certainly not the last.

I'm at that awkward time in my life where I'm graduated from college but I have no marketable skills and no company wants to waste their time and money educating me in the ways of the real world.

Basically what every interviewer has said to me: "Do you have 5-10 years of experience in anything? No? Well it looks like it's unpaid internships for the rest of your life, then. Carry on."

God I hate unpaid internships. But I don't want to rant, lets move on. Lets not make this about unpaid internships. Which are terrible. And benefit the affluent who don't need any more benefits. I SAID MOVING ON.

Here's the thing. Lately, when I get back together with my friends, two questions are immediately asked:

1) How's the job search coming?
2) How is (insert name of significant other) doing?


And I'm not saying that I'm blameless here. I'm pretty much the biggest perpetrator. I ask these questions like they're going out of style. At grad parties, it feel like it's what I'm meant to say. I am a robot programmed to ask innocuous questions. I think that's why people drink at these things. In the hopes that they may become relaxed enough to ask more sincere questions.

But the thing is, if I had found a job, everyone would know about it. I would be spreading that news like wildfire. I'm not trying to be modest over here. So if I don't immediately break out in a squeal that I've found my true calling in life, it's probably safe to assume that I haven't. And that asking me will send me into a shame spiral.

I'm pretty sure that almost none of my friends have jobs figured out. We're all just... hanging out. In fact, I don't trust people that have it all together. This is my general reaction to someone who says they start work in June and it's their dream job:

Followed closely by:

As for the second question, it amazes me how often I ask people about their significant others before I ask them about themselves. I don't know why that is. Maybe it's my WASPy blood that keeps me from asking directly personal questions about another person.

This is almost every conversation with someone I haven't seen in a while:

Me: Oh heeeeeeey *awkward hug, butts out* Wow! I haven't seen you in forever!
Anastasia Beaverhausen: Yeah! It's been way too long!
Me: Yeah. *panic. out of things to say* So how's Mr. Beaverhausen?

At some point I want to have a conversation that goes like this:

Art Vandelay: Hey Hannah! Long time, no see! How's that boyfriend of yours?
Me: Why do you ask? IS MY LIFE NOT INTERESTING ENOUGH FOR YOU?! *run away sobbing*


It would, of course, have to be a friend that I would be okay with never speaking to again.




So I say, lets get past these two questions because in 10-20 years we're just going to have to move on to the next set:

1) How's work?
2) How are (names of various children) doing?