Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Worst things I've seen on Pinterest

Before I get to this post I just want to take a moment to talk to all the guys reading this. Ladies, you can stop reading now and just pick it up in a couple of paragraphs. Do something ladylike with your time. Perhaps organize your tampons by level of absorbency.

Fellas, you still there? Excellent.

Bros, it's your ladybro here. I know I'm your favorite blogger. And as you can tell, I know what you like to read. In the last 5 posts I've mentioned not only Steel Magnolias, but also gender stereotyping in the automobile industry AND several Maggie Smith references.

Hello, Margaret

And today is no different. Today I bring you a post on something I know men are totally into: Pinterest. Yes, yes. I can feel the heat of your faces as you inch closer to the computer screen. But don't get too excited. I'm not going to talk about how awesome Pinterest is. Mostly because I don't think it's that awesome. I get it. It's like God's gift to being organized or something.

I think I'm just not doing it right. Because I can see, objectively, that it is a pretty sweet tool for organizing thoughts, ideas, and most importantly, food. But I'm still only checking on it every month or so. To pin some recipe for 3-foot-long Kit Kat bars. 

But I think everyone, even the most avid Pinterest user, has to admit that there is some stupid crap on Pinterest. 


Some of the stupidest crap I've ever seen on Pinterest

1) Stuff that serves no purpose. To anyone.

Why. Why would I do this? Just because it's a thing you can do and I suppose it's technically a craft. But what am I doing with large amounts of colorful ice balls? WHAT. AM. I. DOING. WITH. THEM. Because it looks like the most creative thing you could think of is put them in a slightly uneven line that runs along your driveway. 

Pfft. This DIY project got no class. Looking like a line of unicorn turds. 

2) Stuff that seems kinda cute but then you think about it, and it's actually pretty useless, too. 

I see. Hooked. Hooked like on a fishing line. And worms. Leads to gummi worms. Leads to a glass bucket full of gummi worms with the words "hooked on you." Because... that's a thing I guess. I just don't know who I would give this to. I believe it's meant to be given to a significant other. But here's what I'm imagining:

Girlfriend: Hey boyfriend, I made you something for Valentines day!
Boyfriend: Aw, girlfriend. That was nice of you. Here, I bought you a scarf since it's so chilly, tee hee!
Girlfriend: Giggle giggle! It's so nice! Here, I made you a clear jar full of gummi worms that says "hooked on you." Hope you like it!!
Boyfriend: Oh.....kayyyyyy.

I'm not saying I don't appreciate a good gummi worm. But there is a time and a place. Also, aren't cans the traditional worm holder, not buckets? The expression is "opening up a can of worms" correct? I'm not trying to be difficult and split hairs here. But I'm totally right and I refuse to hear otherwise. 

It's like that old adage says,  

"Just because it can be made, doesn't mean it should be made and then put on Pinterest for a bunch of people to put on their DIY board and then never look at again. Because like, when am I going to make this REALLY. And who am I giving it to? No one, right? Right."
                                                                                -Ben Franklin

Did you know that Benjamin Franklin was really into Pinterest? He had a whole pinboard of key & kite themed foyer decorations. 

What am I talking about? How did we get here? The point is, go watch the movie 1776 because Ben Franklin is awesome in it. Plus a young Mr. Feeny plays John Adams and it's magnificent. 

"Salt Peter! JOHHHHNNNN"

No, wait. The real point is, Pinterest is full of things that seem awesome but are actually just tricking you and they will sit on your pinboard forever. 

3) Stuff that borders on eating disorder encouragement. 

I'm NOT talking about those inspirational running images that are like "The first step is the hardest!" and "It's about being healthy, not skinny!" Or just photos that lead to links of exercise routines. That's fine. Whatevs whatevs. Be healthy and such. 

I'm talking about photos like these:

Remember: Girls who wear clothes live longer than girls who take semi-nude MySpace photos in abandoned lots.

Oh ho ho my strong-jawed friend, you are dead wrong. I know a lot of foods that are absolutely worth it. Right now, for example, I am eating fistfulls of Veggie Straws straight from the bag and I'm eyeing that Klondike Bar in the freezer. This is happiness. It's deep and it's real. 

If you felt a pause just there, it was me getting up to get that Klondike bar.

I don't want to get preachy about body image issues among women on Pinterest because... this is not the time or place. I will simply put up this Norman Rockwell image.

YEAH. Think about THAT, creators of "Thinspiration."

Ugh, that name. Thinspiration. Like someone saying,"I need some thinspiration." 

I just... buhhhggggghhhhh Ican'tgetintothis... MOVING ON. 

However! If you would like to hear a rambling, poorly thought-out speech about the lack of female empowerment in The Walking Dead... then just wait a week because I can't keep this in much longer.

4) Stuff that is pretty much garbage

I'm not trying to be mean here, but girlfriend sewed Ziplocs into her purse. And now she's using it to store wet wipes and what appears to be single-serve Aspirin. 

I imagine that whoever came up with this idea showed it to her friends and her friends said "OMG iT's 2 cUte! Can you make me one? I want to pre-order 500 of them before you get Kenneth Cole to mass produce them and the price goes WAY up!" 

And then the friend turn around and trash talks the purse, Regina George-style. 

But it's too late. The damage is done. And the poor purse creator has already posted it to Pinterest. Where some snotty 22-year-old will find it and rip it apart on her blog.

Sigh.. the circle of life.