Sunday, February 17, 2013

First annual Downton Abbey Drinking Game

Well everyone, the end is nigh. We're in the final episodes of Downton Abbey season 3. In fact, tonight might be the season finale. Or it might not. I'm far too busy to open up another tab and check.

The thing is, I watched the whole season while it was coming out in Britain, so I saw these episodes a while ago, and they're starting to blend together. As a result, I've given away a few spoilers to unsuspecting friends. ACCIDENTALLY. And you do not want to be on the wrong side of a Downton-viewer scorned.

**Side bar: Has a cutesy name REALLY not been invented for Downton Abbey viewers? Something like Clay Aiken's "Claymates" or Jimmy Buffett's "Parrot-heads?" Uh, hi. I'm definitely going to think of a good one. And I will announce it at the end of this post, when I've had time to ponder.**

So. I've decided to forgo the post that I was planning on writing about Downton Abbey because I'm afraid I'll give things away. Instead, I've come up with something that I think truly encompasses the style and grace of the Downton Abbey series. A post that could be utilized for any episode, and wouldn't contain spoilers. A post I like to call:


Because nobody appreciates a good drink like those crazy Crawleys. Remember that time that Mary drank a bottle of wine and then stabbed Mr. Bates in the back with a knife that had Mrs. Patmore's fingerprints ALL OVER IT?

Guys that didn't happen. I promise I won't give anything away about the remaining episodes. In fact, this game probably won't give anything away since it's going to be a lot of blanket statements followed by GIFs that I've been collecting for a week or so. And with that in mind, lets get started.

**WARNING: You should be caught up to season 3 episode 6 to continue reading this post**

Rule 1. Take a sip of your drink every time Maggie Smith says something so devilishly sassy that you laugh out loud.

Rule 2. Finish that same drink when 5 seconds later she does something so heartwrenchingly adorable that you start sobbing into the nearest pillow.

Rule 3. Drink when Thomas and O'Brien start scheming

Rule 4. Let a few tears fall into your glass when it ends up blowing up in Thomas's face, and you feel so bad for him that your heart is breaking into a million pieces. 

Rule 5. Let out a girly squeal and take a sip of your sherry when Branson is adorable with his baby. 

 Rule 6. Take a sip for every magnificent piece of advice/admonishment from Ms. Patmore.

Other choice quotes include:
“Daisy, I said you could go for a drink of water, not a trip up the Nile”
- “Judas was only trying to help, when he brought the Roman soldiers to the garden”
- “Oh dear, have you swallowed a dictionary?”
- “Anyone who has use of their limbs can make a salmon mousse”
- “Of course she married beneath her. And who are you, the Habsburg Archduke?”

Rule 7. Ditto for Ms. O'Brien. 

- "Get back in the knife box, Miss Sharp."

Alfred: They're showing a film tonight in the village hall. "Way Down East". It's about a wronged woman who survives in the wilderness through her own wits and courage. 
O'Brien: Blimey! They've stolen my life story! 

Rule 8. In fact, drink for every British phrase that you don't understand, but desperately want to start using. 

Rule 9. Every time they have tea, you have tea. But yours is a Long Island Iced Tea. 

I feel like tea is just what you do in this family. Meeting someone for the first time? Tea. Need to bring up a touchy subject? Tea. Trying to force a woman out of your family for fear that she'll get the family fortune and you'll be left with nothing? Tea.

Now, a year ago I was in London for three whole days and nobody offered me tea. I have to assume that I blended in so well that there was no need for the tea ice-breaker. I was basically a native. Except for the laptop that I had to carry with me everywhere and the large amount of time I spent posing for a photo in a phone booth, only to be told it is often used as a toilet for homeless men. 


Rule 10. Remember this guy? Pour some out for the writer that came up with the idea for this subplot and probably got fired because it was so bad. 

Rule 11. Finish your drink if it took you half a season or more to realize that Cora is American. 

Only when the writers spelled it out for me did I realize...

And here we are at the end. I hope you're all good and drunk. Drunk enough to enjoy the names I came up with for avid Downton Abbey watchers:

- Downtonians
- The Downton Fabbys
- The Downton Fattys
- Downton Divas
- Ground-ton Abbey (Dibs on this name for the Downton Abbey-themed coffee shop I plan to open one day)
- Dabbeys

So enjoy this episode, ladies and gentlemen. And may I leave you with:

Jim Carter sometimes looks remarkably like Eugene Levy. That is all.

Also this.

Friday, February 1, 2013

30 Rock: In Memoriam

Last night, I was one glass of wine away from tearfully live-blogging the final episode of 30 Rock. I told myself that if I waited 24 hours and it still seemed like a good idea in the harsh light of day, then I would do it.


30 Rock got me through some tough times. Like that time I let my friend cut my bangs and I ended up with severe Rooney Mara bangs for a month.

 Except shorter

If I was at my parent's house, I would photocopy my 2007 Pool Pass and put it here. That is the only photo that remains of that dark month. You could say I was 5 years ahead of a trend that is too cool for me in the first place. You could say that. Or you could say that I made sophomore year of high school SOMEHOW more awkward.

You've done a lot for me, 30 Rock.  And now I'd like to give back. So may I present to you:

Candle in the Wind: 30 Rock, a Reflection

Come with me on a journey of the soul. I recommend playing the video below, then following along with my lyric-by-lyric reflection on a TV show that captured hearts and minds for seven years.

"Because I am a sailor. On the sea of the human heart."

***Warning: This video is live. Although I hate listening to live music on YouTube, Elton John is dressed like some sort of Colonial Amadeus sprinkled with stardust and I love it. If you'd like a different version, then I recommend taking your mouse and clicking over to YouTube and finding one. I certainly can't condone any other version but this one.***

Goodbye Norma Jean

Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself

While those around you crawled
They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill

And they made you change your name

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind

Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in

And I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid

Your candle burned out long before
Your legend ever did
Loneliness was tough

The toughest role you ever played
Hollywood created a superstar

And pain was the price you paid

Even when you died

Oh the press still hounded you

All the papers had to say
Was that Marilyn was found in the nude

[repeat chorus]
Goodbye Norma Jean
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself

While those around you crawled
Goodbye Norma Jean
From the young man in the 22nd row

Who sees you as something more than sexual

More than just our Marilyn Monroe.
[repeat chorus]