Monday, January 28, 2013

Resolutions that I can absolutely keep

I've been real lazy on the blog front, lately. In my defense, The West Wing and Dr. Who just came on Netflix and I also decided to give Big Bang Theory another chance.

My assessment of Big Bang Theory the second time around? I feel the same way about it that I felt about Lost. I get why people like it, I'll watch it if it's on. But if you corner me at a social occasion and try to get me to discuss it with you I will pretend like I have no idea what you're talking about. I will lie to your face and say I don't watch the show.

Then I'll steer the conversation toward that one time I had food poisoning but I needed to get home so I bathroom-hopped from restaurant to restaurant, offering no explanation to the hostess or the people in the bathroom with me.

And nobody wants that. Especially not that stranger who was forced to listen to that story in a grocery store one time. It started cute and ended with this face:

All this to say - I've been busy, dude. I did actually do real things, like spend a week in Mexico building cisterns. But that was less funny and more eye-opening and amazing. And I like to keep things superficial.

So instead, I'd like to talk about something near and dear to my heart: cheating on New Year's resolutions. I'm tired of picking resolutions and then failing at them. So this year, I'm opting to choose only resolutions that I have either already halfway finished or things I'm probably going to do this year anyway.

I wouldn't want to strain anything.

Resolutions I can absolutely keep this year:

1. Accumulate more Muppet movies
I recently realized that it has been years since I watched Muppet Treasure Island and it is making me sick to my stomach.

Also, the other day I was grocery shopping at Meijer and I spotted Muppets in Space from across the room. I dropped the off-brand toilet paper I was holding and abandoned my cart to go get it. 

I have an emptiness in my soul that can only be filled with the complete collection of The Muppets. And if anyone was wondering, it turns out that if you memorize the song "Moving Right Along" when you're 7, then you will not have forgotten it by the time you're 22. 

2. Keep making purchases based on the most inconsequential aspect of the product. 
I'm a simple girl with simple tastes. I don't often spend a lot of money. But when I do spend money, it's because of a feature that no one else cares about. The other day I came across the Blu-ray disc of Girls season 1.

This conversation went through my head while I blocked the entire TV on DVD aisle at Best Buy:

"Girls, huh? That was a good show. I wouldn't mind owning it. Ugh, but $40? No... I don't need it. Hm. I wonder how Brian Williams feels about his daughter being on that show? Probably he feels poorly about it. One would assume. She's the worst. No. I won't get it. I won't. I don't need it. I'll just...


3. Become a wedding planner for people who aren't taking their weddings very seriously

No one believes me, but planning a wedding sounds like my own kind of personal hell. When I say that to people, there's always someone who smiles all knowingly at me and says something like, "but you KNOW you've been planning your dream wedding since you were a little girl!"

And then I throw them the old Tommy Lee Jones loving stare. 

Except last night I came up with the most brilliant of brilliant ideas for a wedding.
Except it's possibly not that great and I just have terrible personal style.
I'm leaning towards the second option. 
I call it, THE LEGO BOWL.

So here's what you do: In the middle of each table at the reception, you put a bowl of Legos instead of a centerpiece. Or do a centerpiece too, I'm not picky. I'm a very laissez-faire wedding planner. Then give each table the instructions on what they have to build. And make it something awesome, like the Lord of the Rings Lego set, or a Harry Potter Lego set.

And the table can't clink their glasses and request a kiss from the bride and groom until the set is built. So it bonds the table AND the happy couple gets some sweet Lego sets out of it. Win, win.

4. Find someone who sells Girl Scout Cookies

One resolution down already. My laziness knows no bounds. 

This has been a resolution for the majority of my life. And a co-worker just announced that her daughter was selling cookies. And that, my friends, is reason enough to join the workforce. 

Although I did just find out that the Keebler Elves have come up with some sort of Samoas knock-off. This may change everything.

Somebody let me know if these bad boys are worth my time.

5. Give sushi another try.

God sushi just seems SO COOL.

There has been more than one occasion when I'm left at home sobbing into my cup o' noodle because my friends all went out for a sushi night. It's just... it's a lifestyle. People get really into sushi and they make it a lifestyle. And I want in. 

This is a perpetual New Years resolution. I assume it will go on forever. I can think of several foods that I try every year in hopes that I will miraculously have grown up and started liking grown-up foods. This list includes:

-greek yogurt
-most crumbly cheeses. Let's stop putting on airs here - most cheeses in general
-red wine
-refried beans

I'm ever hopeful that I will learn to love these foods ever since The Great Avocado Discovery of 2010. Also the Butternut Squash Reconsideration of 2008.

6. Accumulate more GIFs of Tina Belcher

I have now been told by three different people that I remind them of Tina. These GIFs should give some indication of why that's not exactly a compliment. But it's also not exactly wrong.

Guys... just go watch Bob's Burgers.