Thursday, August 23, 2012

What I can and cannot afford right now

Two things.

1) I got a job! A real one this time! Yes, I guess the last one was real. But when I realized they were attempting to pay me $250 for 50 hour weeks I was all, "LATA SUCKAH." Actually, because I'm terrified of confrontation I was more like "Uhm excuse me, my HR amigos. Would you mind please removing me from your list of employees because I just don't see this working out. Hope we can still be friends. Call me!"

And even that conversation required hours of pep talks from my roommates. Did I role play the conversation right before calling? Obviously.

This is me trying to "break up" with the people that hired me. Except it's Liz Lemon. Breaking up with the co-op board.

2) I've been exploring Tumblr because it's an awesome blogging tool and I'm considering making the switch. The problem is that cool, original layouts cost $39 and I can't afford it right now. Yeah. I can't afford THAT right now. Last night I had a dream that I got a manicure and when I woke up I thought, "Oh okay. I'll save for a couple months so I can afford that luxury."

Then I wept bitterly.

I need to start this job.

Other basic, human things that I've wanted to buy recently but can't afford include:

1) A knife block
2) Towels that I haven't been using for the last four years
3) The DVD Baby Mama

4) Brand name sponges

Scotch-Brite? What is this, Buckingham Palace?

Things that I didn't need but I spent the money on anyway include:

1) The biggest bag of veggie straws I've ever seen. But it was only $5 and it fed me for DAYS.
2) A ridiculously expensive iced coffee from this hipster-nonsense cafe. The barista had pierced dimples and she judged me into it. There were only 6 items on the menu. And they were all "infused" and "hand dripped" or whatever. HIPSTER NONSENSE.
3) A gas station XL t-shirt that had a wolf on it. The Megabus was freezing and I was wearing shorts. The shirt was my blanket and everyone thought I was weird.
4) Many, many pretzel rolls.

Friday, August 17, 2012

What do post grads want? Hell if I know.

So I just graduated from college. And it's weird. And I'm sitting at this coffee shop eating an orange chocolate chip scone. Pretending like nothing is different. Trying to figure out what I want, what everyone my age seems to want. It could be a fulfilling job or a partner to spend time with. A new kitten or acceptance into grad school.

After some reflection and a second scone, I have come up with a run-down of things I want to happen right now. Some of them are about big life changes, some of them are about food. Unsurprisingly.

I can only hope that there are other 20-somethings out there wanting similar things.

So. What do I want?

1) I want to wake up and suddenly like red wine. I feel like it would make me seem much older. A nice Chianti with my steak, perhaps.

*side note* I had to look up Chianti and make sure that it is, in fact, a red wine.

2) To be able to "up vote" and "down vote" comments on Facebook according to how funny or relevant to the post they are.

3) To be an extra in The Hobbit. (Yes, I know they're already filmed).

4) To be handed some sort of schedule for the next year of my life. A course guide, or maybe a list of professors I can look up. Then I'll complain to my roommates that, man... this is just going to be the worst semester ever. 

5) I want McDonalds to serve McFlurries made with chocolate ice cream. I'd also like McDonalds to permanently discontinue the Shamrock Shake. I don't understand the appeal of eating 10 oz of toothpaste.

6) I want the boxelder bugs that infested my house to suffer. Some of those bugs survived on my car after 7 hours of highway driving. And a car wash.

7) I want to be able to afford furniture that doesn't come from Ikea. Except for my precious LACK side tables. Those things rock my socks.

8) To stop being so unbearably susceptible to every illness that crosses my path. My immune system could take lessons from premature babies.

9) To create a video of me in all my Wisconsin Badger gear, running around the University of Michigan on game day.

10) I want future Hannah to follow me around so that every time I make a big decision she can assure me that I'll never regret it. Much like Katy Perry did in that music video.

There is nothing NOT hilarious about old Katy Perry singing to young Katy Perry.

11) I want to have a reason to post a Facebook status that is so exciting and awesome that I get 100+ likes. Examples include: Getting a dream job, getting accepted to medical school, winning the Nobel Peace Prize, etc.

12) I want reason to travel for my job. I'll be all, "Well I'm off to Italy to go crunch those numbers. Synergy! Job growth! Carbon footprint!"

13) I want to go do something to help humanity. Like teach deaf Haitian children how to use sign language.

14) I want this Lego set.

15) Finally, and most importantly, I want a new season of Girls to come out so that I can see my problems reflected in their 22-year-old self-absorption. And continue to pity myself for all these non-problems. Because that, really, is all I want.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Why I can't stay mad at Nicholas Cage

But first, an update.


Q: Is it your dream job? Are you in your dream city? Is it everything you wanted and more and is everything somehow magically falling into place for you at the age of 22?
A: No.

Q: Oh. Well is it a job then?
A: Yes!

Q: Well good for you then.
A: Thank you. Even though that wasn't a question.

And that's just about all the updates I have on that. I'll be moving to Ann Arbor, which is good and bad. Good because it's a very pretty city with lots of trees and young people and fun things. Bad because it's home to the University of Michigan Wolverines - the sworn enemy of the Galactic Alliance!

Yes, that was a Toy Story reference.

BuzzLightyear and I both agree,  Michigan fans are the worst. And their colors are terrible.

But on to more pressing matters: My feelings towards Nicholas Cage.

I have a special place in my heart for Nicholas Cage. Most people are surprised by that fact, mostly because I have a lot of irrational hatred towards a lot of actors. And Nicholas Cage is pretty widely disliked. And yet... I can't seem to quit him.

My main reasons for this:
1) He is consistently made fun of, but he takes it in stride.
2) National Treasure
3) Raising Arizona
4) Nick Cage cats

I love National Treasure and Raising Arizona for two very different reasons. Raising Arizona is actually a great movie and you should go to your nearest Netflix and watch it right now, because it's available on instant play. I bought it on a whim in a three disc set that includes Fargo, Raising Arizona and The Full Monty. Best $10 I ever spent.

National Treasure, on the other hand, is pretty average. Not terrible, I know a lot of people who like it. Just... not great. But for me, it's just one of those movies. If someone ever asks if I want to watch National Treasure, my answer will always be yes.

Someone can be like "Well we could watch this movie that won 3 Oscars and you've never seen it! Want to watch it? Oh and I also have National Treasure."

My reaction?


Also, I love that Nicholas Cage's face is perhaps one of the most widely used celebrity faces on the internet/in real life. A few examples:

I'm going to call this phenomena "Caging." It's a bizarre prank that involves going into someone's cubicle or office while they're out, and putting Nicholas Cage's face on the faces of that person's loved ones. Or perhaps paper their entire cubicle with photos of Nick. Or put photos of him around your apartment to scare your roommates.

When did this start happening? No one knows. But it's hilarious that it's happening to Nicholas Cage. 

Also, is an entire Tumblr account dedicated to photoshopping Nick Cage's face onto cat bodies. And that is just.... wonderful. 

And now, to conclude my reasons for loving Nicholas Cage, a photo montage of my favorite Nick Cage face mashups: