Tuesday, October 30, 2012

So there's a car made just for women.

Ladies. Gentlemen. Allow me to introduce you to...

... The Honda Fit She's

I just... I can't... No.

This car (produced and manufactured only in Japan) is marketed as a car for women. I'mma go ahead and say that again. A car for women. Because apparently every other car that has been produced for the last century has been for men. I would now like to go through a few of the She's features.

Feature 1. It's called She's. In case you couldn't tell from the color that it's for women. Even the most masculine car (which is... I don't know... A Dodge Ram? I know A LOT about the fellas. Obviously) is not called the Dodge Bro's. 

Feature 2. It comes in two colors. Bubblegum pink and "eyeliner brown."

Because a woman couldn't possibly drive a car in one of those dull colors like black or white because they're so grotesque. (That should be read in the voice of Liz Lemon in that one 30 Rock episode. You know. That one episode. Come on.) Okay here it is. You must listen for the full effect.

I'm so grotesque

Feature 3. The apostrophe in She's is a heart.

Feature 4. It's described as having "Tutti-Fruity" colors in the interior. I don't want to hear the words tutti-truity unless it's describing a flavor of jelly bean. And even then, I really don't want to eat it. Throw it in the no pile. Right next to buttered popcorn and top banana.

Feature 5. The windshield blocks out 99% of ultraviolet rays. This is supposed to stop women from getting those pesky wrinkles that we old hags can't seem to avoid. You know who doesn't have wrinkles?

wrinkle free since '63

If Meryl Streep made it this far without a wrinkle-free windshield and she still ended up like this - I WILL TAKE MY CHANCES.

Feature 6. A "plasmacluster" climate control system that is supposed to improve skin quality. First of all, "plasmacluster" is a disgusting word. Second of all, there is no way that a climate control system improves skin quality. Third of all, what's up with the wrinkle/skin obsession, Honda? Don't make me use my Meryl Streep argument again.

Did we learn nothing from the ill-fated 1956 Dodge La Femme?

The stunning car that came with a pink floral purse to match the car's interior as well as a swivel driver's seat. So as to preserve a lady's modesty. To summarize, the world's image of women is now slip sliding on down back to 1956.

I realize that the Honda She's is only being sold in Japan. And I also realize that Japan tends to have some pretty traditional gender roles for men and women. But I don't care. Women are women. And women don't need pink hearted wrinkle-free force fields around their cars. Cars are genderless. Like tables. Or paper. Or pens.


Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Halloween Costume Predictions MMXII

Now, some of you may not have heard, but it's election year. At least, that's what my morning news routine (eating a bagel and laughing at Matt Lauer) tells me. And with every election year comes a few things:

1. A huge ratings boost for SNL 
2. An obnoxious number of commercials that are meant to mimic the debates. 

3. Political halloween costumes. 

With that in mind, allow me to present, 


1. A binder full of women

You know it's coming. And it's coming hard. In several variety. And my reaction is going to be exactly the same every time. "Oh. Ha. You're a binder full of women. Have you been introduced to the 20 other binders full of women at this party? Ha ha. Haaaaaa. So... So. How bout them Tigers?" (The Detroit Tigers are the only thing anyone in Michigan cares to talk about right now.)

The only way this costume could be made awesome is if it's a guy/girl who has an empty binder attached to their stomach and a polaroid camera. And they go around taking pictures of women at the bar and asking them to sign it, then put it in the binder. Wait, is that awesome? Or is that creepy? I think it's awesome. I could be wrong. I often am. 

2. Sexy Big Bird

This is wrong on several levels. But also, kind of awesome. Ask my sister Emily. She has a tendency to take beloved childhood characters or inappropriate historical figures and make them into sexy Halloween costumes. In a good way. Like sexy Fidel Castro. Or sexy Clifford the Big Red Dog. 

Unless we're both wrong and it's not cool to dress like that. Apparently not being able to distinguish between awesome and creepy is a family trait. 

Upon further review, Sesame Street is hella mad about their treasured characters being made into sex symbols. So unless you want the wrath of Frank Oz on you (which I do) don't show up in a sexy sesame street costume. Unless it's sexy Bert and Ernie. I give my full approval for that. 

3. Clint Eastwood and a chair

Okay, now I understand that the Republican Party does not have a large number of celebrity endorsers. As far as I know, the big three are Clint Eastwood, Donald Trump and Chuck Norris. But Clint Eastwood did not have a great showing at the RNC. 

And he got a lot of crap for it.

But I maintain that Clint Eastwood and chair would be the greatest costume ever because you get to bring a chair to every party. My number one complaint at any party is a lack of places for me to rest my weary bones. I would kill to have a chair with me at a Halloween party. And people would be like, "Hey Hannah can I sit on your chair for a little while?" And I'd be like "SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU CAME DRESSED AS A VICTORIA'S SECRET ANGEL, SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE?! You will get nothing. Nothing but the stares of a thousand adolescent boys."

4. Ryan Lochte

Whether he's in the pool or wearing his ridiculous light-up mouth guard with matching light up shoes, the man is easy to impersonate. I will say that I have a lot more respect for him after he appeared in a 30 Rock episode and made fun of himself. At least he knows and accepts what he is. And he's making millions of dollars off of it so... well done sir.

5. Felix Baumgartner

This one is difficult to recreate. If you can pull it off, you'll probably receive many free beers throughout the night. 

6. Honey Boo-Boo

I think most people expect me to hate Honey Boo Boo, but I really don't. The girl tells it like it is.

Plus I don't think the show is the downfall of society that people are making it out to be. If my family had a camera crew following us around while we were growing up, they would see some weird things. This includes me and my brother wearing underwear outside of our pajamas, my family tending to a few litters of feral cats and one particular feral cat living in the walls of our house for a few months. To clarify, I do not mean that he was within the confines of my house. He was living in the drywall. He is now a moderately well-trained house cat. His name is Wally and he would like your attention right meow.

Wally. The horse/cat

In conclusion, everybody looks crazy to somebody. I ain't here to judge Honey Boo Boo. That tiny blonde child and her sisters adore their mom. Each of them say their mom is their best friend. That's more than some people can say. BOOM.

And that's all, folks. My list of predicted Halloween costumes for the year 2012.

I now leave you with a few of my options for a costume. I would like it to be from just long enough ago that it's awkwardly out of date. Options include:

1. Austin Powers
2. Omarosa from The Apprentice
3. Monica Lewinsky
4. Jared from Subway
5. Me dressed as a zombie with Newsweek covers taped all over me. Get it? Because Newsweek is going out of print? This one is timely!

NOBODY STEAL THAT IDEA. I have patents pending.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Some pet peeves I felt like sharing

This post was meant to be more light hearted, but some parts get a little preachy. I promise if you make it to the end you get to see a clip of Maggie Smith being adorable. 

Pet Peeve 1: Adult Banter

Just so we're all clear, I am not yet qualifying myself as an adult. I'm also not qualifying every adult as someone who does this. But a startling number of men and women over the age of 40 seem ready to jump off a bridge at the beginning of every conversation. 

When I worked at a pharmacy, I heard the most depressing conversations. They would start, "Jim you old so-and-so how are ya?!"

And the response is invariably something along the lines of:
- "Oh you know, hanging on."
- "Alive."
- "Well I'm doing the best I can with what I've got."

Like they're resigned to say this and it just comes with age. And there's this sanctimonious little nod that comes with it that says, "ah yes. I see you are also a bitter old man with a distaste for anything happy or optimistic. Now lets go terrify that new teenage pharmacy tech who looks like she's about to vomit all over herself."

Maybe I'm just not prepared for adult conversation.

Pet Peeve 2. People (particularly undergrads) who use elaborate sentence structure when normal writing would suffice. There is a time and a place for fancy writing and your Poli Sci 106 class is not it. 

I remember reading people's papers that would say something like "And, regardless of prior prosperity, whomsoever were to allocate funds to the Democratic Party would likely find themselves the subject of much adoration."

We must remember that somewhere there is a poor grad student who is currently taking three days out of their studying to read our crappy papers. Do them a solid. Write like a human being. 

Pet Peeve 2b. Along the same lines, for the love of god don't write in cliches, idioms or phrases if you aren't 100 PERCENT CERTAIN that you know how they're used/spelled. 

I had an arch nemesis that would constantly make this mistake. Guys, I have an arch nemesis. Actually, I have a lot of arch nemeses. It does not take much. The list includes: 

1. My parent's guinea pig, Curby

There's hatred in those eyes

2. The guy that was texting when he was first in the left turn lane and made everyone miss the arrow except him because he wasn't paying attention.
3. Any other Hannah that I meet. Including the one that was my roommate for two years. Still don't trust her. Even though I live text her when I watch new episodes of Downton Abbey. 
4. The idiom/cliche misspeller/misuser

First of all, the cliche user hated me. I believe this is because I wrote a paper about how the Daily Show is a growing source of hard news for people my age, even though it's a comedy show. Which is just straight up fact, ladies and gentlemen. However, he was very conservative. He circled my thesis statement a million times and wrote "NO" on top of it. Things got real after that. Words were said. 

To make a long story short, his paper used the expression "come to virition" by which I assume he meant "come to fruition" so I circled it a million times and wrote "NO." Oh yeah. I was awesome.

Pet Peeve 2c: On second thought, I don't like when people write in idioms or cliches at all so... I'm gonna forget 2b and just stick with no cliches or idioms in writing. 

Pet Peeve 3: Tip jars at coffee houses

What gives you the right to a tip jar over, say, a McDonalds employee? They get paid a lot less and deal with people a lot crazier. Presumably. 

Pet Peeve 4: People who cross the street outside of crosswalks (particularly diagonally through 4-way stops) SLOWLY. 

I understand. Sometimes you just need to get somewhere. And sometimes this is the biggest gap you've gotten in ten minutes and you just need to go for it. 

But if you're going to go for it then you better be hauling ass. Don't walk briskly for two steps then suddenly begin shuffling slowly along while texting and determinedly not looking me in the eye. I KNOW YOU SEE ME. I'M IN A CAR.

Then again, 20 minutes ago I was weeping softly while listening to Barbra Streisand sing "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" and looking up photos of Maggie Smith as Wendy in Hook. So I'm not certain anyone should be listening to me in the first place. 

Does the woman age BACKWARDS?!?!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The thievery of children. Mostly me.

Oh man my mom will be so ashamed that I've decided to document these stories. Never before have they been published to the world at large.

I have a confession. And here it is. Right now. Here. On this blog. I shall make a pronouncement that you never before thought possible. This is it.

I used to steal stuff when I was a kid.

Was that hyped too much? Meh. Anyway.

So, yeah. From the ages of 5-9 I stole a lot of stuff. And it wasn't a thrill thing. It wasn't one of those, "I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE!!! I MUST STEAL TO CONTINUE THESE ENDORPHINS!!" Come on, I was 5. But I was absolutely old enough that I should have known better. Here's the thing: I didn't care. It's really weird to look back on, because I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway because I felt absolutely no remorse.

That's where my mom doesn't like the story. I think it's because it sounds like the opening lines to a Lifetime special titled, I should have known from the Stealing: How I found out I was raising a psychopath. The child in the special would say things like, "I used to steal from kids all the time. Why? BECAUSE I COULD." Then she shows off her collection of headless Barbies.

You know who stole from kids? Tom Riddle. When he was a little kid at the orphanage.

And we all know how he turned out.

But as far as I can assess from an online test. I'm not a psychopath. Although I do want to go see the movie Seven Psychopaths starring Colin Farrell, Christopher Walken and Woody Harrelson. It looks terrible, but darn it I just can't resist a good Christopher Walken flick.

What was I talking about? Oh. Stealing.

In my wild youth, I stole many items. But four of them come most clearly to mind. Lets list them chronologically.

1.  The small brown plastic dog - Age: 5

In Kindergarten, I used to play with a little farm set with my best friend John-John (yeah we called him that. He might be reading this. What up, John?). To my memory, the dog looked something like this, but even less detailed.

I. Wanted. That. Dog.

I wanted it, so I took it. Except in my tiny little 5-year-old brain I decided that I had to make it the perfect crime, and I wanted to be able to blame it on John-John. Because what if the teacher discovered that the dog was missing? WHAT IF SHE DISCOVERED IT MISSING?! So one morning, before playtime, I got the dog out of the box and put it in my sock. Because otherwise the outline of the dog would show in my pocket, RIGHT?!

And when John-John and I sat down to play with the farm, I made sure that I was the first to say "HEY! Where did the dog go?" I narrowed my eyes, menacingly and hissed at him, "Where did you put it?!" He obviously had no idea and he started to explain himself but I acted all put out and mad at him and I told everyone I knew that he stole it.

I do feel bad about that part. Sorry John-John.

2. The Coin - Age 7

Anyone heard of the American Silver Eagle coin? It was minted in 1986 and it's worth one dollar. But it's really big and I had never seen anything like it when I was seven.

So one day, I was over at my friend Veronica's house (Veronica might also be reading this. Hi Veronica. Sorry about the coin.) She had this coin sitting on her desk. If I recall correctly, I asked her about it and she seemed pretty ambivalent. Or I might just be saying that to make myself feel better. Aaaaand I took the coin. I think I just put it in my pocket.

The story does not end here. Once again, my young brain went into overdrive because I convinced myself that without a brilliant plan, my parents would suspect this new coin in my collection and make me return in. So... I put a ridiculous plan into motion.

I waited until my mom came home (I think it was my mom... I don't remember which family member) and I took the coin out to the front yard and put it in the dirt under the bushes. Then I pretended to dig it up in front of her. I put on this surprised voice and was like, "Oh! A coin! HowEVER did this get here? Well I'll just keep it then..."

I'm pretty sure my Mom didn't even hear me say that. But my tiny conscience was soothed.

I also feel bad about this one. Veronica, (if you're reading this) in my defense I forgot all about this until I found the coin a few years ago. Let me know if you want it. I assume it's somewhere in my parent's house.

3. The shark tooth - Age 8

This one is the closest to actual stealing. Who remembers the Discovery Store? Or is it still open? Or was it just one store in Oakbrook Mall?

Whatever. It was the type of store that would have one of those electricity balls that makes your hair stand on end. And robotic cats. And.. I don't know. Marbles that are exact replicas of the planets in the solar system.

Well they had a little bucket full of shark teeth. Out of all the things in that store I HAD to have that shark tooth. So, like the other stories, I formulated a scheme. You know those theft detectors they have as you exit a store?

Yeah, those. My little 8-year-old mind decided that they must have somehow placed an anti-theft device on the shark tooth (which by the way there's no way they possibly could) and the alarms would go off if I walked through with it in my pocket.

Now, the Discovery Store left their doors open. So while I was inside, I snuck over and placed the shark tooth in the small space between the door frame and the alarm. Then, once we got outside, I pretended to tie my shoe, so my family wouldn't be suspicious, and I picked it up from the outside.

The perfect crime.

4. The grapes from Hobby Lobby - Age 9

I'm becoming self-conscious about my potential childhood psychopathy, so I'll make this last one quick.

I went to Hobby Lobby with my... Dad? I think. And I saw those fake grapes that are always there for some reason. I decided that I needed them.

So the next time we went to Hobby Lobby, I was prepared. I put a Ziploc in my pocket to put the grapes in. So that if my dad or a cashier made me turn out my pockets for some reason it would just look like I had brought a little grape snack to Hobby Lobby. 

Overall, not so proud of my thievery days. But it makes for some pretty good stories.

 I will leave you with this thought. It's about TV, because that's all I think about:

Ladies, go watch The Mindy Project.

Fellas, go watch Bob's Burgers. Ladies, you should watch it too.