Thursday, May 30, 2013

Your first year, post-grad. As told by the movie 1776

The year is 1972. You're listening to Harry Nilsson's Without You because you've just gone through a tough breakup. Suddenly - a preview for a movie comes across your television. You get up to adjust your rabbit ears, narrowly avoiding the fondue pot that you've left out on the floor.

What is this movie? It's set in colonial times, but everyone is singing. The graphics... so crisp. So modern. You get a premonition that the lead actor will go on to star in a 90s teen sitcom.

You guessed it. It's 1776. The 1972 movie retelling of a musical that premiered on Broadway in 1969.

Is everyone still following? Yes? On we go. Because I'm about to write something that only ten people will find funny. But guys... the eleven of us are going laugh our asses off.

Here we go. A guide to your first year of post-grad, from someone who just survived it. As told by 1776.

So you graduated, huh? Feels pretty good.

You're finally done writing those endless papers.

Maybe you feel like telling off that terrible professor. You know. The one who made you study over SPRING BREAK?!?

But hey, man. Don't live in the past. That's not what graduation is about. Why don't you go out and have a drink with your friends?

Because pretty soon you're going to look  around and notice that everyone is leaving for fancy new jobs/opportunities.

And you'll start going off on interviews of your own. They will not always go well. Be sure to stay cheerful! When you psyche yourself up in the mirror, say this:

Not this:

Employers won't be interested once they see that you have no real-world experience. You'll try to run through your interview spiel that you've had memorized for months. But their eyes will glaze over after a few minutes.

Maybe your potential employer will ask you how you're planning on showing them that you want this job.

But eventually someone will recognize you for being awesome. 

When you're celebrating your new job at the bar, a more successful friend might corner you.

They will have incredible job offers that they can't wait to tell you about. "Have you heard I'm moving to San Francisco to open up a therapeutic bee colony that teaches at-risk youths about child development?!?"


They might throw in a backdoor brag when they hear that you just accepted a mainstream job. "Oh, you're thinking of entering the 9-5 work force? I couldn't possibly imagine myself there. I think it would crush my soul. But good for you! You're so grown up!"

And then you'll smile at them all,


But ask me, how do I feel about paid vacation?


To paraphrase Dr. Seuss's "Oh the Places You'll Go"
"You're well on your way, so just go out there and do whatever makes you happy. Stop asking me for advice. I'm a book. Perhaps you should have picked up 'Yertle the Turtle' instead. Oh the places you'll go, indeed!"
If you don't remember that part of the book, don't go back and check. Just trust that I am always correct.

Also trust the fact that I just quintupled the number of 1776 gifs on the internet.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Some abandoned post ideas

So I've been a bit lax in posting lately. I'm working on another project that is taking up almost all my free time, so these posts are probably going to get a bit shorter. Or I'll start having huge bursts of creativity and I'll simply have to post them here.

Probably not, though. Considering these were my most recent big ideas:

- Another attempt at a post about my love for Jeff Goldblum. It would be my third draft and it's still painfully unfunny. Just believe me when I say that he and I have a relationship. A relationship in my mind. A mindlationship.

-A shot-by-shot analysis of Star Trek III: The Search for Spock. 

-An entire post dedicated to Spock's funeral in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

At 1:06 they start playing the bagpipes. In space. So... yeah. It's worth a look.

- A post about why you shouldn't buy boxed wine. Reasons 1-100: You will finish it too quickly and then have to do some life-reflecting calculations about how many days it took you to get to this place.

But none of those were very funny, so I leave you with this final thought: The person who trademarked It's-a-girl lying-in-bed-but-then-it-turns-out-she's-standing-and-then-she-walks-through-an-elaborate-set must be a millionaire right now.