Monday, January 30, 2012

I'm gonna stop talking about T.V. for a second here...

Even though it pains me guys. It pains me. Because I could talk about my buddy T.V. for so long that you would all grow comically long grey beards, Fred and George Weasley- style.

I'm giving myself a high five for such an excellent Harry Potter reference.

aaaaaaannnnd THAT was my last T.V. reference. For this post, and this post only.

Because I found something glorious. Something so ridiculous and embarrassing that I assumed I threw it away months ago: A journal of my thoughts as I took a 23-hour plane ride from Brussels to Chicago. I recently dusted off the 'ol Moleskine that I was using to chronicle my trip and I found this list. You doubt? Behold the evidence of my nerditude!

At the time of its conception, I thought "plane thoughts" was a hilarious title. Like how "plain thoughts"  sounds like "plane thoughts." I don't know. It was a long trip and I had already watched the in-flight movies ("Water for Elephants" & "Rio") three times.

And now that I re-read these thoughts, I realize that I was totally right! And now I'm going to explain, thought by thought, why my revelations were all so awesome.

1) Planes are essentially fart chambers
Uh... yeah. I stumbled across this thought about 2 seconds into the flight. And once I started thinking about it I couldn't STOP. These planes have to be sealed air-tight. Therefore, where do the farts go? As soon as they close that door, you are trapped in a chamber of a hundred other people's farts.

It's distracting to think about. And now you're going to fixate on it the next time you sit down on a plane.

2) I'm almost positive I didn't screw the cap on my lotion.
Answer? I didn't. So that was awesome.

3) It's unacceptable that planes can't serve peanuts.
Okay I don't want to be all "What's the DEAL with airplane food" but come on. I also don't want to be all "Who else is tired of peanut allergies" but come ON.

I feel for you people with peanut allergies, I really do. I don't know what I'd do without my daily spoonful of peanut butter. But you're really cramping my style, airplane snack-wise. Peanut allergies must be running RAMPANT among Americans because I'm pretty sure peanut-related snacks are banned everywhere. I was just in a high school where the tables were labeled "this is a peanut-free table." Which totally sucks for the kid with peanut allergies, because it means he has to sit with the other peanut allergy kids instead of his friends. And I'm sorry but I can't imagine anything nerdier than sitting at the allergy table. Except maybe having to take gym with the other asthma kids.

Q: Hannah, did you have to take gym with the other asthma kids?
A: Mind your own business...... and yes.

Q: Was the gym teacher standing by, with your inhaler locked and loaded?
A: That would be a yes.

Q: Did you have to report to the nurse before and after every gym class for her to test your breathing?
A: Lets move on from my tragically uncool childhood.

Q: Did you once knock yourself out during gym on a volleyball pole because you were taller than everyone else and didn't see it coming?

4) This is the end. And the man next to me doesn't seem to notice. 
Admittedly, I was being a bit melodramatic. But we were going through some serious turbulence and we were in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean!

I don't know about you, but there's always one point in the flight where I look out the window and think to myself, "This is the end, Hannah. Enjoy these last precious moments, because lets be honest: If you get trapped on an island "Lost" style, you are the Hurley of the group. Nothing substantial to offer, but you say "dude" a lot and you like to eat.

This doesn't count as a T.V. reference

And the guy next to me was just SLEEPING through it. Some business guy that probably flies a million times per year and never fantasizes about his life on an island, or the coconut phone he'd have to create once on that island. 

And speaking of that guy...

5) Whats the appropriate way to wake this man up?
This dude was not to be disturbed. He crossed both legs and arms, and then put a little eye mask on, and went to sleep. We're talking... 5 hour nap here. AND HE WAS ON THE AISLE. Oh and his tray table was down and his laptop was on it so no hope of hurtling his body. I spent a good ten minutes staring at his stupid little eye mask, willing him to wake up with just the power of my mind. It didn't work. 

Eventually he woke up on his own and in about 2 seconds my face was in his face asking him to please get up so I could pee. 

He looked pretty weirded out but... Haters to the left, amiright?

And finally,

6) If we sink into this ocean and all I have is this cushion, my arms are clenched around a thousand people's butts.
Sorry that some of these are so crass, and also quite dramatic. I think a lot about plane crashes and it's probably not something the people sitting next to me want to hear. OH WELL. Should have picked somewhere else to sit, eh business man? Ah, business man, the laughs we shared. Or at least... the laughs that I shared by myself. 

Anyway, how often do you think the airline changes those seat cushions? My guess is never. So essentially, if you crash land in an ocean and survive, your floatation device is a foam cube that has been cushioning butts for the last 5 years. (Speaking of fart chambers...) I won't go on. But you get the idea. 

So... yeah. I don't know if anyone else has these thoughts on airplanes (probably not the ones about imminent death), but I'd love to hear what goes through your mind every time you get on a plane. I'd also like to be reassured that I'm not being too harsh on people with peanut allergies. 

Friday, January 27, 2012

First annual 30 Rock Drinking Game

BREAKING NEWS. Tina Fey has the guts to pose with a homeless man. Clearly I need to step it up. If we remember, I can't even walk past a homeless person without looking like an awkward fool.

Even though she looks like she's about to cry

Anyway, after I started re-watching 30 Rock from season 1 (for the 50th time) I realized something: It is ripe for a drinking game.

If you don't watch 30 Rock, you are [1] not going to understand this post and [2] you are also a miserable fool. You're missing out on a show where the lead actor takes time to pose with homeless people. So... take THAT, Parks & Rec! Just kidding. I'm sure Amy Poehler poses with plenty o' homeless people.

So do yourself a favor. Grab a beer (or a refreshing glass of lemonade), pull up episode 1 on Netflix, and enjoy...



Drink every time
1) There is a flashback to Liz Lemon's childhood/teenage years

That's a flashback of the "crazy times" Liz spent in Germany. Is that approximately how I spent my time in Belgium? Replace the word "sparrows" with the word "waffles" and you have exactly how I spent my time abroad.

2) Tina Fey gets a little nuder than you think she ever would
Rufus T. Barleysheath is kicking!

HAPPY 2012!!

I'm not saying that I considered that for a Halloween costume... but I'm also not NOT saying it. 

3) Drink for Devon Banks

Will Arnett is my reason for living. And I think this venn diagram explains why. 

4) Drink every time Jack insults Liz

Shoulders back, Lemon. You aren't greeting people to castle Frankenstein. 

5) Drink when Kenneth Parcell messes up instructions.

You and me both, buddy. 

This can refer to whenever Kenneth messes up an order that Jack or Liz gives him, causing them to call him a "mouth-breathing Appalachian" or perhaps an "apple-cheeked goon." 

OR it can refer to any time Kenneth tries to explain the rules of a game, and never can. Like when he tries to explain secret santa: "And then the person with the highest number gives the smallest gift to the tallest person. If they want to switch, they cannot! Unless they do! Then everyone puts their head down, except the murderer! Oh wait that's not right..."

Also, I now want to name a club: "House Parcell"

"And as the head of this tour... I'm going to have to deny your request"

6) Drink for every catchphrase. 

Examples of this include:


-"Good God, Lemon"
-"Lemon, out"

Annnnd that's about all I can think of right now. That's a lie I can think of so many more... but I think it's time to stop trolling the interwebs for GIFS where Liz Lemon gives birth to Meat Cat. 

Any suggestions from other 30 Rock fans?

Hannah, out. 

Monday, January 23, 2012

How I made a fool of myself in front of a homeless man today

I would like to preface this post by stating that I do not dislike homeless people. I am simply discomforted to the point of awkward burbling and drooling every time I walk past them. I think the growing number of homeless people is a serious problem that is consistently overlooked. However, that's not what you're here to read about. You're here to read about why I can't seem to just walk past them like a normal human being.

Now, I grew up near Chicago so I am not ignorant of homelessness. I have worked in soup kitchens, and with a program that offers a bed and a meal for homeless people for a night.

AND YET. Walking past someone who is shaking a can of change under my nose will consistently cause me to babble uncontrollably or perhaps stand in a state of frigid guilt. Much like Troy, when he meets LeVar Burton:


I'm sorry did I just loosely compare LeVar Burton to homeless people? Lets move past that. My apologies, Mr. Burton. And in case anyone is curious, I love him most from Reading Rainbow, not Star Trek. 

I think in order to understand my discomfort with walking past homeless people, we need to go back about 6 years. I was in Chicago with my sister Katie, my dad, and my sister's friend, who was from New Zealand. (Katie, you should let me know if I'm remembering this wrong, because I was 15 at the time and details are fuzzy). But as I recall, we had just finished eating pizza at Lou Malnati's. (BEST pizza in Chicago. Don't go to Gino's East, their crust is too bready) Katie's friend from New Zealand (lets call him Frodo) saw a homeless man with a sign that said "hungry and homeless, please help."

Frodo wanted to give the man his pizza, but we told him it was a bad idea. The homeless man might be insulted by the leftovers, etc. However, Frodo insisted. He put the box of pizza at the man's feet (The man was sitting cross-legged with his head bowed) and we started walking away. When the man saw the pizza, he looked up, grabbed the pizza box, and started walking quickly towards us. I had no idea what was happening. Was he mad? Was he thankful? Just then the man stopped in front of us, threw the pizza into the garbage, glared at us, and went back to his sitting spot. 

Wasted Lou Malnati's! And let me tell you guys, you don't just throw away Lou Malnati's. 


I was traumatized. Lets remember that I was 15, and quite easily distressed. He seemed so insulted, and so angry at us.   

Flash forward everyone, to the present day. In fact, flash forward to about 6 hours ago. Since the pizza incident, I have never known what to say or do when I walk past homeless people, for fear of insulting them. This incident actually occurred earlier today:

Scene: I walk casually from one job to my other job, down State Street. Suddenly, I realize that in about 2 blocks, I will have to walk past a homeless man who has his coffee cup extended, asking for money. (yes, I start freaking about these things BLOCKS in advance)

My thought process: **Should I look left, past him? I should give him change. BLAST, I have zero change. How is that possible? What kind of person only carries debit cards? Oh right, broke people. I'll look right, and ignore him. NO, YOU FOOL. That's rude. He's a person. Look him in the eye. No. No, don't do that. He might say something. WHY am I sweating? ONE BLOCK LEFT. I should cross the street. No. Too late for an evasive maneuver. 10 steps left... he has locked on. He's calling me young lady and asking for a few quarters. WHAT DO I DO? Smile. No! Too late I'm smiling. STOP SMILING, Smiley McSmilerson! Say something!**

"mehhh HERghh no change ha ha ha I don't have money. Well not with me I mean... I - oh goddd. I forgot my wallet. Nope, it's in my hand. But it's... empty..."

And then I KID YOU NOT, I dove into the nearest store. Except the nearest store was, in fact, Nogginz. A hair cut/beauty parlor place. I walk in, sweaty and babbling. The woman asks if I have an appointment.

Me: I... don't. Ha ha ha. I actually just got a haircut (**shut it, Hannah. SHUT IT NOW. Turn around and leave! **) I was wondering if you guys have Bed Head products. (**In my panic I couldn't think of ANY designer brands. Mostly because I don't know any designer brands**). 
Woman: Um, no we don't. But I'm pretty sure they sell those at Walgreens. And CVS. And Target.
Me: Oh right! I'll go there! Thanks!


So I have no idea what causes the butt-clenchingly awkward reaction every time I walk past a homeless person... but there it is. Am I alone in this? Am I insensitive and awkward beyond recognition?

Friday, January 20, 2012

Does everybody know what time it is?

Oh man people my life has been DULL lately. How dull? Well I honestly wrote half a blog post about my crush on Jeff Goldblum but then I decided I wouldn't subject you all to that (OR I'm saving it because I actually love him and want to do his homage justice) (and I couldn't find enough animated GIFs to warrant a whole post) (and I ended up watching every episode of Will & Grace that remotely involves Mr. Goldblum)

Shmanyway, this will have to do for now.

By the way, on a Will & Grace episode with Jeff Goldblum, Patti Lupone had a cameo. That link was almost entirely for my friend Keith. Also a little for my sister Emily. But mostly for me. Oh Will & Grace, I miss you. If my heart contained a cedar chest full of favorite 90s sitcoms, you'd be right there beside Friends, Seinfeld, and Home Improvement. Side note, I've taken to saying "I don't think so, Tim" instead of saying "no." It's going well, I think. Minimal complaints from my loved ones.

Speaking of Home Improvement,

Ew. Mark

DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?! JTT ended up the shortest. Hilarious. Also, why in the holy crap did they include Heidi in this picture? And why is she more central than Al? Al made that show! He was the lynch pin! Heidi was the least essential person in the show, and yet she is front and center in this photo! And you know who isn't in the photo?

The big man himself. Wilson. That, by the way, is not Wilson. I know that we all can't be Home Improvement experts like myself, but that is actually my brother John in his Halloween costume. Best costume I've ever seen... hands down. (Or rather... "hands up!" Get it? Because if he puts his hands down he would reveal his identity? Moving on.)

There's nothing NOT 90s about this photo

All of this to say... I've had a lot of down time in Ann Arbor and I've filled a lot of it by re-visiting 90s sitcoms. And you know what I realized? Sitcoms are awesome. I don't care if they're so predictable that I can guess the episode's ending by the time the first joke rolls around. They're comforting. Everything gets resolved and nothing is too serious. And there's always someone there for comedic effect.

I'm watching "How I Met Your Mother" for the first time ever. I boycotted it in the past, mostly because I was lumping it in with "Two and a Half Men" and "The Big Bang Theory" (both of which I'm against, I can explain later). It's the best thing ever! It just... it's so... it's just a happy show. It brings me back to a time of yesteryear, a time when black blazers over black turtle necks were in fashion. When mothers could wear the same black vest as their oldest sons.

What I'm trying to say is: Sitcoms, you're alright.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The things I do at 2 a.m.

It's the little things that make me laugh, folks. And when I created this at 2 a.m. I couldn't stop laughing. In the harsh light of day... not so funny. 

"Hello, Hannah here. Local business owner, and cat enthusiast. Is your cat making too much noise all the time? Is your cat constantly stomping around? Driving you crazy? Is your cat one legged? Is your cat fat, skinny, or an in-between? Try Kitten-Mittons"

Just kidding it's still totally funny. 

For reference:

*editor's note: I'm aware that "mitten" is spelled incorrectly. But that's how Charlie spells it.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

The Mayan predictions will be the death of me (har!)

So I’m visiting Ann Arbor for the next week, and I decided to go by train. The most glorious Amrak train in the entire world. Why is it so glorious?



It doesn’t take much to impress this ol’ gal. And yes, there is a girl sitting between me and the outlet. And no, I did not ask her if I could take that photo. And yes, she thought the photo was of her. And no, I didn’t clarify it later because I was too embarrassed. 

So…yeah. I’m on a train to Ann Arbor. Stories to come about the incredible fool I made of myself trying to figure out how the whole “train station” thing works. (Preview: I thought an ATM was a ticket-scanner)

But the Ann Arbor adventures haven’t even begun, so instead I’m going to talk about something that’s been bothering me for the last… oh lets say two years.

Those damn Mayan death predictions.

First of all, I really hate talking about the end of the world. I don’t like watching any of those unsettling apocalypse movies. Day After Tomorrow, 2012, Children of Men, Contagion. I watch them, and then I’m terrified for the next two years.  

This looks... terrible.

And that’s not even the main reason I hate the Mayan Predictions. The reason I hate them is because it’s giving fodder to advertisers and promo-makers a new focus for all of their ads.

“Watch our show! It’s the last one before the end of the world, ha ha ha”
“2012 Rockin’ New Years Eve, last one before we all die, HA HA HA”
“Could the Mayans have predicted these low prices? HAHAHAHAH MWAHHAA”

And I PROMISE that come November, we’re going to start seeing “end of the world” sales. That is just unsettling. 

Am I alone in this? Isn't anyone else tired of hearing about 2012 doomsday stuff? 

To leave this on a happy note, here's a note (part 1 of 3 in a note series) that my Dad left.


Thursday, January 12, 2012

Excuse me while I drool over crepes

I need to talk about a place that is near and dear to my heart. A place I like to call La France Cafe & Crepes. I know that a lot of the people reading this are not from Illinois, and in fact many of you would rather die than visit us FIBs... but oh my god La France is completely worth the visit.

Exhibit A:
The glory, the splendor, the carbs.

That is a ratatouille crepe and it was glorious. Peppers, mushrooms, olives, tomatoes, and I think some sort of cheese sauce. Lovely. 

And really, "lovely" is the best word to describe the whole experience at La France (I'm really starting to sound like a restaurant reviewer here. Sorry boutcha.) It's very small, and probably has a staff of about five. But it's cozy!

Teeny tiny

The head chef is a gregarious Moroccan, so his crepes and tea and pastries are actually not French at all, but I'm not complaining. He's French trained (whatever that means). As soon as you step in the door, you're greeted by this man slaving over the ovens.

It's always Christmas at La France.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The forgotten Disney movies

I’mma lay something on the line for you. I know it might come as a shock, but here it is: I wasn’t that cool as a kid. I assume you’re all so shocked that you’re currently murmuring together with disbelief. Much like this:

But I digress. As a kid I almost never enjoyed the T.V., movies, and music that everyone else my age liked. I blame that on the fact that I’m the youngest of four and I always wanted to be cool like my older siblings. I watched Armageddon and Ever After at least five times each, even though I was eight when those movies came out.

Every time this scene gets me. EVERY DAMN TIME.

Then there were the Disney movies. I never seemed to like the Disney Classics that every other girl liked. I watched Sleeping Beauty for the first time when I was 17, and I’ve never completed Cinderella. However! I did enjoy a wide variety of obscure Disney Classics that seemed, for everyone else, to be the “back-up option.”

Here, for your viewing pleasure, is a description of my love for two obscure Disney movies. They may not have been everyone’s favorite, but the young girl in the back of the class with the glasses, expander, and butterfly clips sure seemed to enjoy them.  

1)    Alice in Wonderland

Oh Alice. You and I had such fond memories together. And by that I mean that I would sit two feet from the T.V. and watch you from start to finish several times a day.

Do you remember how once you got to the very end of a VHS tape it would rewind itself and then start again? Yeah. I do.

How hilarious did I find the Mad Hatter and the March Hare? Incredibly. I would sit and laugh and laugh while my sisters and brother looked on in disbelief. The part where they repair the rabbit’s pocket watch? Funniest thing I’d ever seen in my life.

Q: Did I have “The Jabberwocky” memorized at a young age?
A: I would rather not say. But if I did, I certainly could NEVER have learned it from this Muppet Show sketch that I also watched obsessively. Good lord, the more I write the more I wonder why I had friends.

Moving on. To….

2)    Peter Pan

Here’s one thing that bothered me the most about Peter Pan: How did Wendy sew Peter’s shadow onto his feet? Also, he tries to put soap on his feet, then get the shadow to stick. I don’t… I can’t….

 Yes, yes. This is certain to work. 

I understand that there are things in the movie that are a lot less believable than soap being used as an adhesive (flying children and fairies come to mind) but it was always the one thing that I could not let go of.

Otherwise I was completely obsessed with that movie. And it led to my later obsession with one of the greatest movies of all time.

Hook. It gets better every time I see it. And I don’t care what you say, Dustin Hoffman is the best Captain Hook of all time. I don’t want to overstate this… but Dustin Hoffman is also the greatest person in the history of forever.

And there is it. My two favorite Disney movies as a kid. I did like other normal Disney movies too, like The Lion King and Aladdin, but not as much as I liked these two. 

For the truly curious, here is the short list of the other movies I watched most as a kid (I only WISH I was making this up)

  1. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
  2. The Pagemaster
  3. Tall Tale
  4. All Muppet Movies
So were there any movies I missed? I'm sure I'm not the only person with weird movie obsessions. 

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

You're grammer is turrible.

I started writing this post and realized that I could write 500 posts about grammar/spelling, but they would be extremely boring and pretentious and nobody wants that. Lets keep it light, shall we?
I would like it made clear that I’m NOT one of those people that goes around correcting grammar all the time. In fact, if there’s one thing I hate, it’s petty Facebook or YouTube arguments about grammar. A-like so:

Person 1: Your a pickle-faced weasel-lover!

 A small grammar mistake between friends is allowed. You come off as jerkface supreme (or like this dog) if you go around saying: “Oh you foolish simpleton. Don’t end sentences in prepositions! How truly wearisome I find you.”
Nice ascot
That said, some people need to get their act together. For real. I STILL remember when my 6th grade music teacher announced that “lose” (as in when you misplace something) is spelled “loose.” I immediately raised my hand and told him that he was wrong. “Loose” is an entirely different word. Much like “nose” and “noose.” His answer was, AND I QUOTE: “Oh well, what does it matter?”


There’s my issue. If someone makes one grammar mistake, that’s fine. They probably just didn’t notice. It’s the people that say, “Ehh who needs grammar? Bunch of nerds with their correct spelling and their pocket calculators and their Urkel glasses. I don’t have the time to bother with sounding like a competent adult!”
I bet he has excellent grammar
Here’s my thought. Grammar and spelling are not a choice. We don’t just get to decide that we’re above the English language. In second grade, I was mortified when I had a paper returned to me and I had misused “their.” Why should I be any less mortified now?

Ross, would you like to express my pent up anger?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to re-read this post about 10 times to make sure I didn’t make any errors. Peace out girl scouts.  

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Damn! We're in a tight spot.

*Disclaimer: I know I promised the three of you who are reading this that I would post about grammar first, but I honestly can't stop analyzing George Clooney. So this needs to be said.*

For the last couple of years, I’ve had a sneaking suspicion. It’s been growing since I first laid eyes on Ocean’s Eleven (2001) and my feelings were confirmed as soon as I stepped out of The Descendants last night. I really dislike George Clooney.

Hello, sailor

He only has two characters. One is the clowning around, good-time guy with a bit of a mysterious past. Examples: Ocean’s Eleven (…and Ocean’s Twelve. Hell, lets throw Ocean’s Thirteen in there too), Oh Brother Where Art Thou, Burn After Reading.

The other character is the more serious, yet still mysterious, man with a chip on his shoulder. He has something to prove or some part of his life that must be filled. Examples: Up in the Air, The Descendants, The Ides of March.

And both of these characters bother me. Apparently they bother him, too. He told the LA Times that he enjoys seeing himself on screen less and less. I’m right there with you, George old pal.

Most importantly, Clooney’s version of Batman is the only Batman with nipples. In his armor suit, that is. I’m sure all the Batmen had nipples. Regardless, he had purposeless nipples (side note, “purposeless nipples” would make a good band name) in his armor suit.

His eyes say no, but his nipples…

 HA! Ha ha ha…. haaaaaa. Why? Why George?! It’s never NOT funny.

I’m just going to go ahead and add ol’ George to my list of celebrities that I have ill feelings towards.

Celebrities I dislike that everyone else loves
-Ryan Reynolds
-Lady Gaga                                   
-Cameron Diaz
-Drew Barrymore
-Scarlett Johansson
-George Clooney

This post was pretty aggressive against Clooney. Anyone want to disagree? Or tell me about a celebrity that you think I should add to my list? 

Let's start at the very beginning

... A very good place to start. When you read you being with "A,B,C" when you sing you begin with "Do, Re, Mi"

Yes! One sentence in, one Sound of Music reference down. 999 more to go.

I don't have a concrete reason for doing this besides the fact that I've always wanted to have a blog. It was my new year's resolution and blah blah blah. I have a lot of resolutions. One resolution was to stop using cliche movie references in my writing and in conversation. And we all saw how long that lasted.

Also, please realize that I will be changing the design of this blog. It's... unpolished. To put it rather delicately. I just needed to check this off my life list. (A list which might be on this blog later! If you play your cards right.)

In conclusion, welcome to my word vomit.