Thursday, July 25, 2013

Somebody figure out the math on this.

I have spent years honing my answer to one stupid argument that seems to pop up all the freaking time:

Should the toilet seat be left up or down?

Don't be fooled. That's no doctor. It's Doctor Toilet.

Now, I am a fan of finding the simple solution to every question. Like the "dog mouths are cleaner than human mouths" argument. Here's my solution: I will lick one spoon, and your dog can lick another. Then you can decide which spoon you'd like to use to eat your cereal.

I have watched my dog eat a bottle of Aspirin, then puke up everything she's ever eaten, then eat that puke. Do you REALLY want to take the chance that your dog hasn't licked its own butt today? Because I'm going to spoil that little surprise... it has.

 So when the question of toilet seat etiquette comes up, I try to go for the simplest answer. And it is this: 
Close your eyes.
Imagine yourself on a deserted island full of nothing but coconut milk and wild bonobos. 
But suddenly, something rustles at your feet.
You look down... it's paper. A trail of paper? Perhaps... toilet paper?
No. It's a magazine. And what is the magazine called?
"Toilet Magazine"
"Well. That's fortuitous." You think to yourself, "I was hoping that I'd get some reading done while I'm on this island."
Then you sit down on a mossy rock and open up the magazine. 
There, on the inside cover, is the most beautiful toilet you've ever seen. 
It glistens. 
It glows. 
And the seat. It's....
Now. What did the toilet look like in your mind? Was it perhaps... down?

Because, yes. A toilet's point of stasis is with the seat down. And when you leave an appliance, you return it to its point of stasis. You don't open the oven door and then leave the door open just because you're going to come back to it later and ughh it's such a hassle to lower the oven door againnnnnn.

Is the simplest answer not good enough for you?

Well I'm glad we're going on this journey together. Because I'm about to drop some math knowledge. But not real math knowledge because, you know. I'm lazy.

I can tell you this, though. I took an introductory Statistics course when I was 19. And in that course, my professor typed out all of his lecture notes. And then he bound those lecture notes. And dedicated the lecture notes to his wife. And then made us buy them for $50.

So... YEAH. I think I know a thing or two about statistics.

And this is my argument: If the average person uses the bathroom four times per day, it breaks down like this,
Women need the toilet seat down 4/4 times. 
Men need the toilet seat down 1/4 times.

Women need to toilet seat up 0/4 times.
Men need the toilet seat up 3/4 times. 
So ignoring the preferences of the sexes, human beings - on average - need the toilet seat down more frequently than they need the toilet seat up.

Exactly how much more frequently? I'm going to let you figure that one out for yourself. Mostly because I just spent 20 minutes trying to remember the difference between nCr & nPr and it sent me into a shame spiral.

Plus, I'm a very busy woman, and I haven't got all day. It won't cost much. Just your voice.

Anyone? Little Mermaid? Moving on.

I just hope that I've put the argument to rest. Because I have better things to do than get myself wrapped up in this toilet seat argument ever again.

Like putting together a list of the greatest Disney Villains of all time. Or re-watching old episodes of Homestar Runner. Or coming up with a really cool roller-derby name.

Ruth Skater Ginsburg