Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Wanted: Someone else to receive my texts

Just call me Christopher McCandless, because I'm off the grid. And by that, I mean that I deactivated my Facebook for a week. If I knew how to deactivate my Twitter account without losing it, I would have.

Or I could have just deleted my Twitter account, but my handle is pretty awesome and I have a picture of a cat on there that I don't want to lose. But DON'T WORRY, everyone. I'm back on the old social medias. I'm back.

Anyway. I should probably get to the point of this blog post.

And here is it: My boyfriend grows weary of my constant text updates. I have an unfortunate desire to share every single thought that crosses my old mind grapes. I believe it has begun to take it's toll on his psyche. So for the past week, I decided that instead of sending every thought to him, I would write them all down so that EVERYONE can enjoy.

And hopefully somebody sees these texts and says to themselves, "SAY, I sure would like a tri-daily thought from Hannah. She has all the right ideas." And then I can stop writing these down like a damn fool.

Texts from the cutting-room floor
(full disclosure - I couldn't resist sending some of these out. That's how pathetic I am.)

1.  I could not stop bringing up the Chernobyl disaster at my haircut today. She seemed... uninterested.
2.  Lately I've been feeling like Fred Armisen may be stalking me. Like he has figured out my TV consumption and he is planning his career choices around it.
3.  All I'm saying is, you never see Nicki Minaj and Lil' Kim in the same room together. Maybe this feud is just a cover. Maybe they are one and the same.
4. Matthew Broderick has not aged well.
5. I just found out that the song Simply the Best exists outside of the Hollywood Casino commercials. How have I lived my life without knowing...

6. I think I'll take up tap dancing.
7. I think I'll take up pottery.
8. I think I'll take up sign language.
9. Justin Timberlake has done EVERYTHING right. And I mean that in absolute seriousness. The Love Guru may have been a misstep.
10. Watching Signs at night when I'm by myself:

11. When Mark Williams was playing Horace in 101 Dalmations, do you think he said to himself, "One day I'll be a part of the largest movie franchise in the history of movies!" Then do you think he turned to Hugh Laurie and said, "And everyone will think you're American because you'll play one in a T.V. show about a Vicodin-addicted diagnostician!"
Follow up text: Cruella De Vil. Cruel Devil. I JUST FIGURED IT OUT.
13. Best Alan Rickman movie of all time: Galaxy Quest. Agree or disagree?
14. This is what my life has become: My grocery cart has antibacterial ointment for my boil and Starburst jelly beans. End of list.
15. I would like to take a poll. What should I name my boil? Your choices are:

Boil McPoyle (In reference to It's Always Sunny in Philadephia)
Boil O'doyle (In honor of Billy Madison)
Tin foil McBoil
Loyal Boil
Susan Boil

And that's it, everybody. Those are the type of texts you can expect to receive if you request to be a go-to text receiver. All I'm saying it, think about it. I'll try to stop texting about my boil. Try.

Over and out,



  1. I received #14!!! Which must mean I am already subscribed. Although, you never answered me after I tried to offer words of encouragement and excitement about the jelly beans....

    Forget pottery, tap dancing and sign language. Knit me a scarf Hannah, knit.

    1. One day I'm going to knit you a scarf and it's going to be HIDEOUS but I'm going to make sure you wear it. And I'll cry if you ever take it off.

  2. 11 and 13 are so me! (Well, there is also Sense & Sensibility with Alan, which is perfection, but he's much funnier in Galaxy Quest, so let's just call them a tie).

    Also, you clearly don't go to the same karaoke bars as me (which is obviously because we are in different countries) or you would have heard "Simply the Best" every time you went. It's a standard.

    But 11...YES. Mark & Hugh! I have thought that SO often! And then Mark Williams ended up recurring on Doctor Who as well, and it was brilliant.

  3. I'm in the middle of Doctor Who and I haven't seen Mark Williams yet. So much to look forward to!