Monday, February 24, 2014

Ideas for getting people to put their dishes in the dishwasher

It's been a while. My break from blogging was partially because I've been writing other things. Also my job got much more demanding. But primarily it was because I have been putting embarrassing amounts of work into creating gifs for my Tumblr because I find it very cathartic.

Hm. The front-facing view of my Tumblr doesn't look very pretty. I'll get on that.

...I probably won't get on that.

But anyway. I'm writing here because some things don't lend themselves to 140 character quips and an adorable gif of Martin Freeman.


Although frankly it never hurts.

All Martin Freemans aside, the reason why I'm writing today is very simple: I would like to give people an alternative to leaving passive aggressive notes in a shared space. There is no way to leave a note in a shared space and come out of the experience looking like the bigger person.

And there's no way to say anything about the problem without using lines like:

"YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T LIVE HERE."
or
"Oh, I guess the magical elves that clean out the drain are on vacation, KYLE."

We're better than this. We're better than these clichéd lines. So let me offer a few alternatives that I came up with while I was staring at a pile of dishes in the break room. I call it:

How to avoid leaving passive aggressive notes at a shared sink when there's a dishwasher just a foot away, Kyle. JESUS, Get it together.

1. Construct a crow's nest in the kitchen. Then set up camp. When someone puts a dish into the sink, put a comically large telescope up to your eye and scream "I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, DENNIS. WHY DON'T YOU CLEAN THAT DISH?"

2. Tape a picture of a disapproving Mr. Rogers above the sink. Draw a word bubble near his mouth that says, "I taught you better than this."


3. Rig your dishwasher so a heavenly light streams out of it and people are so curious that they open up the dishwasher and think, "meh, while I'm here I might as well put my dish away."

4. Hide in the cabinet under the kitchen sink. When someone puts a plate in the sink, grab their ankles and scream, "HOW DARE YOU?"

5. Install metal spikes along the bottom of the sink that will shatter anything that is rested upon them.

6. Use weight sensors so that every time someone puts anything into the sink, this line from the Steel Magnolias funeral scene plays:

video

7. Right after someone leaves a dish in the sink, walk over to them and tell them that it's a magic sink. This sink is going to force them to Benjamin Button themselves. And unless they move the dish to the dishwasher, they will end up meeting Jaden Smith in the middle.

8. Release snakes into the drain.

9. Create a life-sized papier-mâché version of the sink. The sink will collapse under the weight of any dish. It will also be useless as a sink because it will become paper mush when it comes in contact with water. These are the sacrifices we make.

10. This one will take a little forethought. Not like the one where you have to construct a pirate ship crow's nest.

Hang up a mirror behind the sink. Allow the dish-leaver (Let's call her Edna) to get accustomed to the mirror. Next, find Edna's doppelganger. Remove the mirror and have Edna's doppelganger stand where the mirror used to be and copy Edna's actions. Then when Edna puts a dish in the sink have the doppelganger break character and whisper, "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Edna."

*Cue Twilight Zone Music*

Fade to black

Scene.

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