My face was exactly like Tom Haverford's:
After a while they both just kind of trailed off and told me to get my forms in by Friday. So... one more day to figure out what tax forms are aaaaaand how money works!
Why the first day of work is the worst day of work
1) Paperwork that you don't comprehend and will never have the capacity to understand
Have you filled out your W-4s and your Y-3s and savings & loans and stock options and insurance and healthcare?
No. I haven't done those things because I'm 22 and I don't know what you're talking about. Please don't stand there and wait for me to fill out these forms. Because I don't know what I'm doing. And unless I can somehow learn to understand them through osmosis, you're gonna be standing there for a looooong time.
2) Not having anything to do
Oh man when your laptop is exposed to the rest of the office... life sucks. There ain't no Facebook surfing for you, no sir. You feel like you need to be doing important things. But you don't know how to do anything yet. So you spend the first day exploring the homepage for the company you now work for.
"Hm, yes. I'm very interested in this press release you guys put out 2 years ago. So interested, in fact, that I'm going to spend the next 20 minutes reading it. Then I'll scroll through the pictures of your company BBQ again."
3) Being afraid to go to the bathroom
This might just be me. But my office is just one GIANT room with lots of windows and bright colors. So when I get up, everybody's watching. I don't want to spend too long in there, and I don't want to walk too weird on my way there. It should be inconspicuous. So I try to walk normal. And pee really quickly.
Unfortunately for me, someone else in my office seems to be on my pee schedule. Without fail, after I sit at my desk for 10 minutes with inner turmoil on whether I should visit the loo, I finally get up and this guy gets out of his chair and walks to the bathroom. Then I have to pretend like I was awkwardly half out of my chair for a different reason.
Rearranging my feet, or something. I don't know.
4) They usually ask you where the office should go for lunch.
Most people think this is a nice treat. I think it is torture and this is why:
- They've lived in the city for 5 years and you've lived there for 5 seconds so you have no idea where the closest McDonald's is, let alone normal people food. So anything you pick is not going to be what they want.
- You are just trying to get through the day unnoticed. So asking the new person to make a decision that will probably infuriate half the office is just... cruel and unusual. It almost made me want to pick a really unpopular food so that I could just get the hate out in the open.
Me: "You know what I could REALLY go for? Long John Silvers. But if you guys don't have that, I'm not picky. I'm just really craving some day-old shellfish right now."
This was my face when I was asked to pick where the entire office went for lunch.
To conclude this post, I would like to regale you with a (kind of long & rambling) story of going home after work. Sit down, my children. Let me tell you a tale:
Not for the first time, I find myself identifying with a foal