Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Halloween Costume Predictions MMXII

Now, some of you may not have heard, but it's election year. At least, that's what my morning news routine (eating a bagel and laughing at Matt Lauer) tells me. And with every election year comes a few things:

1. A huge ratings boost for SNL 
2. An obnoxious number of commercials that are meant to mimic the debates. 

3. Political halloween costumes. 

With that in mind, allow me to present, 


1. A binder full of women

You know it's coming. And it's coming hard. In several variety. And my reaction is going to be exactly the same every time. "Oh. Ha. You're a binder full of women. Have you been introduced to the 20 other binders full of women at this party? Ha ha. Haaaaaa. So... So. How bout them Tigers?" (The Detroit Tigers are the only thing anyone in Michigan cares to talk about right now.)

The only way this costume could be made awesome is if it's a guy/girl who has an empty binder attached to their stomach and a polaroid camera. And they go around taking pictures of women at the bar and asking them to sign it, then put it in the binder. Wait, is that awesome? Or is that creepy? I think it's awesome. I could be wrong. I often am. 

2. Sexy Big Bird

This is wrong on several levels. But also, kind of awesome. Ask my sister Emily. She has a tendency to take beloved childhood characters or inappropriate historical figures and make them into sexy Halloween costumes. In a good way. Like sexy Fidel Castro. Or sexy Clifford the Big Red Dog. 

Unless we're both wrong and it's not cool to dress like that. Apparently not being able to distinguish between awesome and creepy is a family trait. 

Upon further review, Sesame Street is hella mad about their treasured characters being made into sex symbols. So unless you want the wrath of Frank Oz on you (which I do) don't show up in a sexy sesame street costume. Unless it's sexy Bert and Ernie. I give my full approval for that. 

3. Clint Eastwood and a chair

Okay, now I understand that the Republican Party does not have a large number of celebrity endorsers. As far as I know, the big three are Clint Eastwood, Donald Trump and Chuck Norris. But Clint Eastwood did not have a great showing at the RNC. 

And he got a lot of crap for it.

But I maintain that Clint Eastwood and chair would be the greatest costume ever because you get to bring a chair to every party. My number one complaint at any party is a lack of places for me to rest my weary bones. I would kill to have a chair with me at a Halloween party. And people would be like, "Hey Hannah can I sit on your chair for a little while?" And I'd be like "SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU CAME DRESSED AS A VICTORIA'S SECRET ANGEL, SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE?! You will get nothing. Nothing but the stares of a thousand adolescent boys."

4. Ryan Lochte

Whether he's in the pool or wearing his ridiculous light-up mouth guard with matching light up shoes, the man is easy to impersonate. I will say that I have a lot more respect for him after he appeared in a 30 Rock episode and made fun of himself. At least he knows and accepts what he is. And he's making millions of dollars off of it so... well done sir.

5. Felix Baumgartner

This one is difficult to recreate. If you can pull it off, you'll probably receive many free beers throughout the night. 

6. Honey Boo-Boo

I think most people expect me to hate Honey Boo Boo, but I really don't. The girl tells it like it is.

Plus I don't think the show is the downfall of society that people are making it out to be. If my family had a camera crew following us around while we were growing up, they would see some weird things. This includes me and my brother wearing underwear outside of our pajamas, my family tending to a few litters of feral cats and one particular feral cat living in the walls of our house for a few months. To clarify, I do not mean that he was within the confines of my house. He was living in the drywall. He is now a moderately well-trained house cat. His name is Wally and he would like your attention right meow.

Wally. The horse/cat

In conclusion, everybody looks crazy to somebody. I ain't here to judge Honey Boo Boo. That tiny blonde child and her sisters adore their mom. Each of them say their mom is their best friend. That's more than some people can say. BOOM.

And that's all, folks. My list of predicted Halloween costumes for the year 2012.

I now leave you with a few of my options for a costume. I would like it to be from just long enough ago that it's awkwardly out of date. Options include:

1. Austin Powers
2. Omarosa from The Apprentice
3. Monica Lewinsky
4. Jared from Subway
5. Me dressed as a zombie with Newsweek covers taped all over me. Get it? Because Newsweek is going out of print? This one is timely!

NOBODY STEAL THAT IDEA. I have patents pending.

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