You may have heard a few things about the new iPhone 5S. Like that it's fingerprint sensor is cat paw sensitive. That the Parallax effect of the background might make you feel like you’ve stepped into a Baz Luhrmann film.
Is it tacky? Is it awesome? No one knows. But it's crazy popular. If you try to order a gold iPhone online, it won't even ship until October. Of course, the black and white models will ship in 7-10 business days. But
really, who’s going to buy black and white models? Peasants? Please. Gold means
exclusivity and wealth.
nothing says exclusive like buying the color that everyone else wants, too.
So who's going to be buying these new golden iPhones once they're available? My predictions:
1. Your male friend who wears a down
coat with a furry hood.
If he wears a thumb ring, it's almost guaranteed.
A man not afraid of a
coat with a furry hood
1. Every cast member of the
now-defunct "Jersey Shore"
Because a gold iPhone is classy. Like ordering a tequila sunrise.
"It's only cool because I know that it's not cool and I
parent – on accident
You go back and visit your parents and discover one of them has somehow accidentally bought a gold iPhone.
“This was the only one available online!” They’ll insist, “I don’t even care
what color I have!”
Anyone remember these bad boys?
yes. The ol’ iPhone mini. The most coveted Christmas Present of 2002.
And I was lucky enough to be given one by my parents. But this was no
ordinary iPod mini (As if there was ever such a thing. Am I right, 7th
grade Hannah?) IT WAS GOLD.
you know that Apple made gold iPod
MINIs? Neither did anyone else who saw my iPod. Ever. When I brought it
to the Apple store, the genius bar people would flock to my side. They
insisted that they hadn't sold them in store and wondered where I got
And yet when questioned, my parents they just
shrugged and said it was just one of the color choices.
I DON’T KNOW WHERE MY PARENTS GOT THAT
IPOD. I have not yet eliminated the idea they they found a black market dealer on the mean streets of the Chicago suburbs.
I would not be surprised if I came home
to my dad holding a gold iphone, insisting that this was the only color left in
this mysterious apple store that is evidently bankrolled exclusively by my
mother and father.
friend who is too embarrassed to admit that they bought it
You know. The one who insists
that they ordered the black one but dude, Apple sent them this one. And
what do you want them to do? Do you want them to send it back? And go through
the hassle? With all their non-existent spare time? Nah, bro. They’ll just keep
it and deal with it even though it’s so lame right?
mom who emulates Amy Poehler in Mean Girls.
who watch Pretty Little Liars
And aren’t ashamed of it.
whose favorite TV show is Entourage and
favorite movie is Boondocks Saints
It’s a very specific subset.
10. Maybe me. And probably a lot of people
It's shiny! It's new! And people are tired of getting a new iPhone that looks exactly like their old one. Can’t really fault them for that.
Am I going to buy it? Am I going to buy it?!?
Yeah, maybe. I mean I know it’s just going to be covered by a case, but… it’s gold. It’s gold and it’s shiny.
I make no guarantees.