Sunday, September 29, 2013

This will cheer you up.

Been feeling that end-of-summer slump lately? Or did you just click here so that you could take a break from reading tweets about how the pumpkin spice latte is back at Starbucks?

Either way, welcome.

Actually, no. If you're one of those pumpkin spice latte types, I must ask you to leave. This is a salted caramel latte blog. Always has been, always will be.

Now that we're alone, my caramel-loving compadres, I'd like a share with you a little list of things that make me happy. In the hopes that they'll keep you going through the cold, dark months ahead.

1. Remembering that Kermit the Frog rides a bike, sometimes.

2. The face that Jim Broadbent made as Professor Slughorn.

3. Amy Poehler's impression of Tim Gunn

4. Amy Poehler's Cockney accent

5. Amy Poehler.

6. Baby overalls

Babies in overalls are cute as crap. Lately I've been on the prowl for overalls because my sister is about to have a baby and this is my moment, dammit. But it appears that baby overalls, like baby bonnets, have fallen out of fashion.

Frankly, I find this lack of overalls disturbing. (So does Darth Vader, amiright?) I'm of the opinion that a baby should have overalls for all occasions.

Side note: "Overalls for All Occasions" would be a good way to describe my wardrobe choices from ages 5-8. Osh Kosh B'Gosh made good money on my childhood.

7. Chummy from "Call The Midwife"

Run, don't walk to your nearest Netflix and start watching "Call The Midwife." Especially if you like Downton Abbey. It's Downton Abbey with babies. I don't think I need to go on.

8. Velvety blankets that are always the second layer of bedding at a hotel

You know which blanket I'm talking about. It's not the disgusting lumpy upper comforter. It's not the ratty bed runner that runs along the foot of the bed. It's not the thin, white, almost-blanket that covers the actual sheet. It's the sweet, sweet, blanket in the middle.

And it's always forest green. Regardless of hotel color schemes.

9. Ralph Wiggum

10. Garfield Minus Garfield

Garfield Minus Garfield is essentially a blog that erases Garfield from every comic and leaves you with a bleak look into what Jon Arbuckle's life would look like without Garfield.

When I was about 12 I saved up my summer reading points and got a three-pack of Garfield comic books all squished into one mega-book. After dropping said book in the bathtub, I lovingly dried it out on a towel rack. Then I continued reading that soggy, wrinkly mess for about 6 years.

So, yeah. I had a weird Garfield obsession for a while there. Trust me when I say that Jon Arbuckle is one of the saddest cartoon characters in existence. And it's hilarious.

11. Behind-The Scenes Harry Potter gifs

See? I'm feeling better already. I might even be ready to forgive the pumpkin spice latte drinkers.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Who's going to buy the gold iPhone 5S?

You may have heard a few things about the new iPhone 5S. Like that it's fingerprint sensor is cat paw sensitive. That the Parallax effect of the background might make you feel like you’ve stepped into a Baz Luhrmann film. 

Is it tacky? Is it awesome? No one knows. But it's crazy popular. If you try to order a gold iPhone online, it won't even ship until October. Of course, the black and white models will ship in 7-10 business days. But really, who’s going to buy black and white models? Peasants? Please. Gold means exclusivity and wealth. 

And nothing says exclusive like buying the color that everyone else wants, too. 

So who's going to be buying these new golden iPhones once they're available? My predictions:

1. Your male friend who wears a down coat with a furry hood.

If he wears a thumb ring, it's almost guaranteed.

2. Macklemore

 A man not afraid of a coat with a furry hood

1. Every cast member of the now-defunct "Jersey Shore"

Because a gold iPhone is classy. Like ordering a tequila sunrise.

4. Ironic hipsters

"It's only cool because I know that it's not cool and I acknowledge it."

5. A parent – on accident

You go back and visit your parents and discover one of them has somehow accidentally bought  a gold iPhone.

“This was the only one available online!” They’ll insist, “I don’t even care what color I have!”

Anyone remember these bad boys?

Oh yes. The ol’ iPhone mini. The most coveted Christmas Present of 2002. And I was lucky enough to be given one by my parents. But this was no ordinary iPod mini (As if there was ever such a thing. Am I right, 7th grade Hannah?) IT WAS GOLD.

Did you know that Apple made gold iPod MINIs? Neither did anyone else who saw my iPod. Ever. When I brought it to the Apple store, the genius bar people would flock to my side. They insisted that they hadn't sold them in store and wondered where I got it. 

And yet when questioned, my parents they just shrugged and said it was just one of the color choices.

I DON’T KNOW WHERE MY PARENTS GOT THAT IPOD. I have not yet eliminated the idea they they found a black market dealer on the mean streets of the Chicago suburbs.

I would not be surprised if I came home to my dad holding a gold iphone, insisting that this was the only color left in this mysterious apple store that is evidently bankrolled exclusively by my mother and father.

6. Your friend who is too embarrassed to admit that they bought it 

You know. The one who insists that they ordered the black one but dude, Apple sent them this one. And what do you want them to do? Do you want them to send it back? And go through the hassle? With all their non-existent spare time? Nah, bro. They’ll just keep it and deal with it even though it’s so lame right? 

7. Any mom who emulates Amy Poehler in Mean Girls.

8. Girls who watch Pretty Little Liars 

And aren’t ashamed of it. 

9. Guys whose favorite TV show is Entourage and favorite movie is Boondocks Saints  

It’s a very specific subset. 

10. Maybe me. And probably a lot of people

It's shiny! It's new! And people are tired of getting a new iPhone that looks exactly like their old one. Can’t really fault them for that.

Am I going to buy it? Am I going to buy it?!? Yeah, maybe. I mean I know it’s just going to be covered by a case, but… it’s gold. It’s gold and it’s shiny. 

I make no guarantees.