Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Things I don't want to follow us into 2013

First and firstmost, thanks to everyone who took the poll. I learned two things: One, that the people who read my blog do not like stringing cranberries OR popcorn. Noted. Two, I was right. You string cranberries AND popcorn. A-thank you very much.

And now, let me be the first person to say: Merry Christmas. I assume you all spoke to no one before checking my blog and are therefore tickled pink that I thought of you on this special day.

You're welcome. Your Christmas card is on its way.

But I don't want to talk about Christmas today. Today, as we near the end of 2012, I'd like to take a moment to reflect.

Reflection over. It's time to move on to 2013. And I think 2013 has the makings of a fantastic year, as long as we leave behind some of the worst parts of 2012. With that in mind, I'd like to present:

Things I don't want to follow us into 2013

1. "That awkward moment when..."

I don't know where this trend came from, but it had a good run. The kind of run that seems endless. Like trying to run the mile in junior high when you're just a pimply french horn player with a history of lung illness.


The phrase is supposed to be used like this:

But it has been warped and twisted to be something that people say when they want to talk about something cute or funny they did earlier in the day. Something very Zooey Deschanel-esque.

Examples include:

- That awkward moment where I realized I'm wearing one plaid sock and one polka dot. #oops #lol #SoFetch

-That awkward moment when my fantasy football team (The Ray-Ban Bandits) beats everyone else's team by a LOT. #SorryImNotSorry

-That awkward moment when I go to pick up my ukulele so I can sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" at this underground bar called "Blank" and my thick-framed glasses fall into my PBR, causing me to drop the "I heart mustaches and bacon" sign I was holding.

Sit down, girl. You haven't even begun to know awkward.

Awkward is when you've doped yourself up on so much Dayquil that you open the door wrapped in a rainbow blanket. And standing there in the doorway are 4 middle aged men who had called the day before to remind you that they needed to check out your furnace. But you forgot. So you let them in. You've already set up your nest of blankets and used tissues on the living room and you don't want to seem rude by pulling everything into your room. So you sit there, still in your blanket, and eat ice cream super slowly while the middle aged men take down the American flag you use to hide the furnace door.

Again, hypothetically.

What I'm trying to say is, 'That awkward moment' had its time in the sun. And now it's time to let it go. Along with...

2. The use of the word "epic."

I don't like to complain about this one because I get it. It's a fun phrase. It makes things seems cooler than they actually are. But for the love of all that is holy, I would really like to see it die out with the year 2012.

And while we're at it, let's also get rid of "totes" and "winning." In fact, anything that was ever uttered by Charlie Sheen should be out.

Charlie Sheen should be out.

Somebody tell Charlie Sheen he's out. 

3. The mustache obsession

Let me be clear. I love mustaches. Real mustaches. If I were a guy, I know I would have facial hair of some kind. Actually, if my brother is any indication, I probably wouldn't. HEYOOO. Sorry John.

I'm not talking about real mustaches. I'm talking about the plastic ones that are in every store and are always handlebar for some reason. Every night before I go to bed I pray to the God of Urban Outfitters that he release us from this cycle of mustache worship.

**side note: if anyone got me a mustache-related present for Christmas, I was just kidding about this post! Thanks so much for the gift!**

Boys, grow your mustaches long and bushy every November if you want to. Grow a different mustache every month of the year. I love a good mustache.

But maybe in 2013 we can keep mustaches away from my baubles and trinkets.

4. The bacon obsession

Same thing, different noun. I love bacon. Real bacon. Anyone who has ever gone with me to Wando's in Madison, WI has seen me inhale a tray of free bacon that came with my $1 Miller Lite. Sigh... it's a wonderful city.

But we have hit the point of bacon saturation. Sorry, but 2013 cannot fit any more bacon keychains, bacon t-shirts, or bacon-scented nail polish.

5. The obsession with Lana Del Rey

I can't go into this, because I can barely understand it. But I will say that British GQ named her "Woman of the Year." And really, hadn't she earned it? I can't think of any woman who has done more to deserve the title. STEP ASIDE, Michelle and Hillary. In the last year, Lana has had a nude magazine cover and arguably the worst musical performance in SNL history. So, yeah. You could say she's earned it.

6. "Dear ___ 
     Blah Blah Blah. 
      Love, ____"

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

It's fun to write imaginary letters to an imaginary person so that you can get your complaint out quickly and succinctly and then post it as your Facebook status. Examples:

Dear Michigan,
It sure would be great if you could stop raining and start snowing.
Love, Hannah.

Dear TNT,
I would appreciate if you would start playing A Christmas Story earlier than Christmas Eve. Because lets be real, I'm gonna watch that bad boy about 50 times.
Love, Hannah.

Dear Time Warner Cable,
Love, Hannah.

Again, I get it. I've done it. But I think it's time to let it go. Let it be 2012's problem. 2013 should get it's own way to complain about inane things. OHH! What if we bring back Carnac the Magnificent from the Johnny Carson show? One person makes their Facebook status a list of stuff and their friends have to guess the answer.

Student loans, global warming, and this blister on my foot.

Things that are bumming me out right now!

Guys. It's happening. GUYS WE'RE DOING THIS. 

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