Saturday, March 24, 2012

How to endure a long-distance relationship (kind of)

Man it has been a while since I've posted here. I've missed you, old bloggy. I'm done with my travels so I should be able to post more often. Right now I'm still catching up on work... so here's a half-thought out post that I wrote when I was strung out on caffeine and fiber. All I had eaten that day was two handfuls of chocolate-covered espresso beans and a box of those "Special K" cracker crisps. So... yeah. It's obviously well-written.

May I present:

Enduring a Long-Distance Relationship 101

I'm gonna level with you. I have no idea how to actually survive a long-distance relationship. These are just the things that I do. Or exaggerations of things that I wish I did. So to everyone who wants to end up like me (* crickets*) follow this advice precisely.

1) Drink cheap wine and go out with your roommate who also has a long distance boyfriend. Be sure to wear your cheetah coat.

This is an accurate representation of the cheetah coat. And for those who have never met me, this is also an accurate representation of my face and hair.

2) Buy a body pillow. Paint your significant other's face on it. Play love songs for him/her on the pan flute. 

*disclaimer: I haven't actually done this... yet*
**side note: Just noticed that James Franco is wearing Liz's spanks**

3) Plan a cute dinner date over skype and then end up eating frozen pizza together instead. Except you don't even eat it together because you foolishly forgot to put yours in the oven. So you end up eating frozen pizza at separate times. On camera.

4) Watch Sex in the City the movie and decide that you should start writing adorable love letters. Then decide that you can't be bothered and send him an email that has a photo of a cat attached.


I'm actually laughing. Alone. Staring at my mellophone. I might compose a song about this cat. 

5) Contemplate getting a dog.

6) Abandon the dog plan.

7) Contemplate getting a cat

8) Decide that you don't need a cat's judgmental eyes watching you while you spend hours looking for photos of Steve Martin as a young man.

you're welcome

9) Watch cute couples walk by and narrow your eyes, menacingly. How dare they hold hands. 

10) Convince yourself that you're funnier than Kristin Wiig & Maya Rudolf's bi-racial lovechild. Record yourself reciting a scene from Bridesmaids (The airplane scene, for those who are curious) and decide to send it to your significant other. 

Other exemplary Bridesmaids quotes that I like to say:
-"Oh you're from MILWAUKEE? Oh I'm sorry! oh. Oh! Ohhh."
-"This is my husband. You don't have a husband."
-"At first I didn't realize that it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad, hand-written book."

11) Realize that it's weird and delete the recording without sending it to your significant other. 

aaaaannnd that's all I got. These are all things I've done in the last few months. I want to hear your additions. Particularly if they are actually real.


  1. Did you find this one? Because I bet you did not.