Monday, March 5, 2012

The way I remember my childhood

I kind of wish that I had kept a diary as a kid. It's not that I didn't try. I actually probably have about 50 diaries kicking around somewhere. I never committed, so each notebook has about once entry. So... congratulations to whoever discovers the non-chronological ruminations of a 12-year-old.

The one time I actually did discover one of my journals, it was rather embarrassing. Inside, I listed which boys probably liked me but I totally didn't like them. Then I had another column of boys I liked but didn't like me. THEN I had a list of boys that were cute but were also mean.

After discovering that journal I decided not to look for the others. I also decided that I better not have signed my name to any of the entries. Then I could blame the embarrassing ones on my sisters. I'm fairly certain they both kept regular diaries. Katie's had a lock. I so desperately wanted to open that lock... so I could read about all the boys she liked.

I somehow got WAYYY off subject here. Reel it in, Hannah.

So I decided to write down a couple of childhood memories, the way I pictured them as a kid. That way, when I'm old and wrinkly I can look back on the ol' blog and remember. (This is of course assuming that blogs are perfect and shall never be replaced by superior technology)

Without further ado...


1) Dads terrified me (except my own)
I was terrified of almost every single one of my friend's dads. I have no idea why. Looking back, they were never mean or intimidating, just normal dads. Lately this has been the subject of much deliberation between me and my siblings. All of us were particularly afraid of an old family friend's dad. Lets call him: Mr. Eeman. (GET IT?! Mr. Eeman? Sound it out... MYSTERY MAN!! I'm hilarious.)

We all recently ran into this Mr. Eeman at a bar. We hadn't seen him in about 15 years.Turns out, he's about 2 inches shorter than me and about 15 pounds lighter. And that's being pretty generous to me. Why was I scared of him as a child? Personally, I think it's because he had a raspy voice. It threw me off, man.

As a kid, when I looked at him, I imagined this:

Which brings me to a terrifying memory that happened when I was about 7. I was over at a friend's house (different friend, different dad) and we ran outside to play with... bubbles. Or something. I don't really know what 7 year olds play with. I was the last one out and I left the door open and their dog ran outside. To my memory, her dad was really mad about it, and it haunted me forever.

What probably happened:
Her dad walked by and calmly said something along the lines of "Hannah make sure you shut the door or our dog runs away"

What I remember happening:
Her dad walked by and said, "HOW DARE YOU STEP INSIDE OF MY HOUSE AND LEAVE MY DOOR OPEN?! I shall now summon Poseidon, god of the ocean, and he shall flood the ground on which you stand, dragging you to the depths of the sea!!!"

Tears were shed that day, my friends. Tears.

2) The time when my mom took me bra shopping for the first time
All I remember about my early bras is that I got by for about a year wearing my sisters's old sports bras. Which is disgusting, really.

Then one day my mom took me to Kohls to buy me a real bra. I was probably... 10? 11?

What probably happened:
My mom said calmly and quietly,  "Hannah what kind of bra do you want? More sports bras? Or one with more support?"

What I remember happening:
 My mom shouted from the rooftop, "Good LORD Hannah look at how simply ADORABLE these brassieres are! Do you have such cumbersome breasts that you need these bras already?! LETS GET A GREEN ONE! Oh look a cute boy! Lets invite him over to help you pick out underwear!"

3) My fashion
I thought I was the height of fashion. Looking back at old school photos, I was incorrect. In every school photo from age 5 to age 9 I wore a variation of this dress, with a variation of this hair.

If you're wondering what's going on with my hair in the back, I would guess... braid.

4) The opening scene to every Disney movie ever

This opening logo scared the ever-loving crap out of me. Why? I don't know. There is literally nothing to be afraid of. It's a castle. The music is a little creepy, I will admit. But still.

I would hide my face in couch cushions, behind people's backs, anything to get away from the scary castle. And the terrible part was... you couldn't avoid it! It started EVERY. DARN.  DISNEY MOVIE. And this was back in the VHS days so once you rewound a movie you just pressed play and watched the magic. There was no time for fast-forwarding!

Speaking of terrifying Disney-related things...

5) That scene from Fantasia
I can't be the only person who remembers that this scene was NOT whimsical, but rather terrifying.


There is nothing redeeming about this entire clip. Like.. even at the end it doesn't resolve itself. The sorcerer just gets mad. In fact, he looks a lot like what I imagined my friend's dads looked like when they were mad.

And Mickey is me:

And thus, my childhood memories come full circle.

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