Monday, January 30, 2012

I'm gonna stop talking about T.V. for a second here...

Even though it pains me guys. It pains me. Because I could talk about my buddy T.V. for so long that you would all grow comically long grey beards, Fred and George Weasley- style.

I'm giving myself a high five for such an excellent Harry Potter reference.

aaaaaaannnnd THAT was my last T.V. reference. For this post, and this post only.

Because I found something glorious. Something so ridiculous and embarrassing that I assumed I threw it away months ago: A journal of my thoughts as I took a 23-hour plane ride from Brussels to Chicago. I recently dusted off the 'ol Moleskine that I was using to chronicle my trip and I found this list. You doubt? Behold the evidence of my nerditude!

At the time of its conception, I thought "plane thoughts" was a hilarious title. Like how "plain thoughts"  sounds like "plane thoughts." I don't know. It was a long trip and I had already watched the in-flight movies ("Water for Elephants" & "Rio") three times.

And now that I re-read these thoughts, I realize that I was totally right! And now I'm going to explain, thought by thought, why my revelations were all so awesome.

1) Planes are essentially fart chambers
Uh... yeah. I stumbled across this thought about 2 seconds into the flight. And once I started thinking about it I couldn't STOP. These planes have to be sealed air-tight. Therefore, where do the farts go? As soon as they close that door, you are trapped in a chamber of a hundred other people's farts.

It's distracting to think about. And now you're going to fixate on it the next time you sit down on a plane.

2) I'm almost positive I didn't screw the cap on my lotion.
Answer? I didn't. So that was awesome.

3) It's unacceptable that planes can't serve peanuts.
Okay I don't want to be all "What's the DEAL with airplane food" but come on. I also don't want to be all "Who else is tired of peanut allergies" but come ON.

I feel for you people with peanut allergies, I really do. I don't know what I'd do without my daily spoonful of peanut butter. But you're really cramping my style, airplane snack-wise. Peanut allergies must be running RAMPANT among Americans because I'm pretty sure peanut-related snacks are banned everywhere. I was just in a high school where the tables were labeled "this is a peanut-free table." Which totally sucks for the kid with peanut allergies, because it means he has to sit with the other peanut allergy kids instead of his friends. And I'm sorry but I can't imagine anything nerdier than sitting at the allergy table. Except maybe having to take gym with the other asthma kids.

Q: Hannah, did you have to take gym with the other asthma kids?
A: Mind your own business...... and yes.

Q: Was the gym teacher standing by, with your inhaler locked and loaded?
A: That would be a yes.

Q: Did you have to report to the nurse before and after every gym class for her to test your breathing?
A: Lets move on from my tragically uncool childhood.

Q: Did you once knock yourself out during gym on a volleyball pole because you were taller than everyone else and didn't see it coming?

4) This is the end. And the man next to me doesn't seem to notice. 
Admittedly, I was being a bit melodramatic. But we were going through some serious turbulence and we were in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean!

I don't know about you, but there's always one point in the flight where I look out the window and think to myself, "This is the end, Hannah. Enjoy these last precious moments, because lets be honest: If you get trapped on an island "Lost" style, you are the Hurley of the group. Nothing substantial to offer, but you say "dude" a lot and you like to eat.

This doesn't count as a T.V. reference

And the guy next to me was just SLEEPING through it. Some business guy that probably flies a million times per year and never fantasizes about his life on an island, or the coconut phone he'd have to create once on that island. 

And speaking of that guy...

5) Whats the appropriate way to wake this man up?
This dude was not to be disturbed. He crossed both legs and arms, and then put a little eye mask on, and went to sleep. We're talking... 5 hour nap here. AND HE WAS ON THE AISLE. Oh and his tray table was down and his laptop was on it so no hope of hurtling his body. I spent a good ten minutes staring at his stupid little eye mask, willing him to wake up with just the power of my mind. It didn't work. 

Eventually he woke up on his own and in about 2 seconds my face was in his face asking him to please get up so I could pee. 

He looked pretty weirded out but... Haters to the left, amiright?

And finally,

6) If we sink into this ocean and all I have is this cushion, my arms are clenched around a thousand people's butts.
Sorry that some of these are so crass, and also quite dramatic. I think a lot about plane crashes and it's probably not something the people sitting next to me want to hear. OH WELL. Should have picked somewhere else to sit, eh business man? Ah, business man, the laughs we shared. Or at least... the laughs that I shared by myself. 

Anyway, how often do you think the airline changes those seat cushions? My guess is never. So essentially, if you crash land in an ocean and survive, your floatation device is a foam cube that has been cushioning butts for the last 5 years. (Speaking of fart chambers...) I won't go on. But you get the idea. 

So... yeah. I don't know if anyone else has these thoughts on airplanes (probably not the ones about imminent death), but I'd love to hear what goes through your mind every time you get on a plane. I'd also like to be reassured that I'm not being too harsh on people with peanut allergies. 


  1. it's like they said "if we can't serve peanuts, we won't serve anything! So THERE!"

  2. Right?! I remember once they served Lorna Doones and it was the happiest day of my life.